A rather obvious soliloquy for the audience at large.

Sometimes I get lost in visioning or daydreaming about the future. I like to do that you know, daydream. I also like to talk to myself, but only when I am by myself and really by myself. Some people like to talk to themselves with people around. I don't because I don't want anyone to answer me. I want to be that tree that falls and no one hears.  I imagine conversations, what had been and what could of been. If I had only done this and that. I reenact things. 

In my conversations with myself I am confident, articulate, profound. I can stop, pause, rewind. Redo a sentence. Make it more clever. In my conversations I am sexy. In my conversations I am at least 5 feet tall. My teeth don't clatter from nervousness. I make sense.  There is no question about my intelligence. I am clear and people can see me for who I am. In my conversations my inhibitions do not stop me. People love me. I can talk back quickly and keenly. I am sassy. In my conversations I am a lead singer of a band. I play guitar. And drums. And electric keyboard. Sometimes the synth. 

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If you look at kids, all they want is love and to be cared for. Adults want that too, but for whatever reason we have forgotten how to ask for that love and care, as if we aren't allowed to.

"Grow up"
"Act like an adult"
"Stop being a child"

It's through this denial that we ironically don't grow and develop. That humans are stagnant. It's this inability to reconcile our childhood, face the truth that is us.

Now I'm not saying "avoid all responsibility!" "BE A BIG BABY!"
No. I am not saying that, if you think I am than you're an idiot. One should embrace who they are. Remember that you have feelings. And that it's okay. Underneath a wizened smile and hoary exterior, everyone is truly a kid, an experienced aged kid but essentially that's what we want: love and care.

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I'm going to apologize for my previous haphazard posts about what I don't exactly know. A combination of current pop culture music videos, gaga mother monster syndrome, random adoration for musicians who are 25 years old, and photos of my favorite cartoons. This is probably what insanity looks like.

Speaking of insanity, I've always liked it when my friend Ed asks me the following simple question:

"How you be?"

It's sort of an unintentional spin off of "to be or not to be" but instead of asking me that...the question assumes I chose "to be." So the next obvious question is "How you be?"

How do you live? How are you present? How have you been truthful to yourself?

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I once met a social worker who told me to think of a place where I felt the most comfortable and most free to be by yourself. She said something that surprised me:

"For example...think of when you're on the toilet and you are free to truly be yourself with no restrictions"

I laughed because the toilet was the last place I thought of as the most "comfortable" place to be but I have to admit, I feel pretty fuckin' free on the toilet honestly! (Insert toilet joke)
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My friend Diane reminds me to be silly. I've recently recruited her to volunteer for my organization stateside so I get the pleasure of hearing her voice in our staff meetings with the staff in the U.S.
I forget what it's like to have a person who you can laugh with/at.

"Bubbly thoughts kimmy!"

I don't think she knows how much the staff love her. I like how her personality, words, phrases, and sentences unintentionally makes people laugh and lighten up even across oceans. That's the magic of it, almost always it's unintentional. She's just herself. People love it! I love her!

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I knew that you were nervous around me.

Years ago, a cute boy once recommended Broken Social Scene's Lover's Spit to me. It's still one of my top favorite "romantic" songs to listen to. I've had the stupidest crush on you since.

I saw his shoes from the corner of my eyes and smiled. I loved his shoes. It was the first time he came up to me to speak to me. "I really like your painting" Speechless, I uttered a mere "thanks." It was also the last day of class.

You lingered for a little longer than you should of. I noticed. 

Although you were just the boy who worked in the art store and I knew nothing about you, I think I fell for you when you suddenly told me a story about your mom. 

My teeth clattered not because I was cold...but because you were cute. 

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Moments only become real when you yourself are.