YOUR daughter decided to break the dishes.

My mom would say that all the time, when she would inform my dad of something bad I did. Your. Such a simple shift in wording, but it completely changes the tone and reveals many underlying emotions with just a shift in ownership.

One week at work I had two separate staff members either give me attitude, raise their voices at me, or yell at me. I was not having a good time and was getting frustrated at people's anger and unnecessary rude attitude. So of course when talking to my boss I let it out,

"YOUR staff keeps yelling and getting mad at me!!!"
"...what do you mean "your," you're part of the staff too, that makes no sense"
"Yes it does! It's your staff!"

A few minutes pass...I remember how my mom does that...

"Man, I totally just tried to shift the blame on you for no reason."

My boss is not at fault for my staff members actions and it made absolutely no sense (non-sequitor) for me to do that.

It was so natural though, that's what so scary and shocking about it. Made me wonder how often arguments and disagreements occur because someone is trying to shift the blame somewhere else. Because they are trying to deal with an emotion or situation and they don't know how. The only way they know how to deal with things emotionally is to make it so it's someone else who is causing it. Someone else who is charge or responsible for the way you feel.

I do it all the time. It feels really good to use the word "your."

"Your stupid ass shut the door on my foot"
"Your idiot dog pooped and I stepped on it"
"Your Your Your!"

That's why people hurt others when they feel hurt themselves. That's why people try to make others feel like shit because they feel like shit. It's not so productive.

I was just butt hurt and taking things personal with people yelling at me that I tried to deal with it by giving the agony to someone else.  Deal with it yourself and don't let others fight your internal problems for you, it can only be overcome by you. Take ownership.

A small lesson learned with such clarity.

Let's continue this shall we?

I've been on a roll with these lessons, realizations, things on my mind pizazz while I am here in Vietnam, so here it goes:

• I do not believe you can change people and their habits by merely telling them to.
• I do believe that being the way you are may just be the way life is.
• I think that people can better themselves, but only through their own experiences, not yours.
• Mistakes are nice. Disaster may be even better, because when you survive then it shows that it wasn't that bad in the first place.
• Life won't get any easier - so why not do what you like?
• Age has nothing on maturity.
• I am really really bad at idioms. The above sentence probably doesn't make sense.
• Don't expect to receive if you don't give.
• Taking things personally will not get you anywhere.
• Meeting me may fortunately or unfortunately be nothing like the way I write; depending on who you are.
• People who think they are all that, actually aren't.
• People who don't think they are all that, actually are.
• Coffee makes me feel passion sometimes. 
• I don't like to force anything on anyone. 
• I won't really try to get to know you because I already have enough trouble trying to get to know myself, unless you feel like getting to know me. I really appreciate those who try to get to know me.
• I realized that a place means nothing without the people, it's all about the people you meet. Buildings can't feel.
• Some people are idiots.
• Some people really do deserve a second chance.
• I've seen adults talk about love as if they were my age. With that came the sudden realization and shock that love isn't what I thought it would be when older.
• Rude, immature people are very hard for me to deal with emotionally.
• I like people who genuinely laugh at me. Only I can tell.

Chi Anh, who is a board member of Pacific Links Foundation, recently gave me this book by Andrew Lam, called East Eats West. I just read a few of his short essays and I really like it so far, especially this line:

"A radio commentator and a writer, I am a traitor now to the old ways, for my medium is the written word, and my playground is the public forum onto which my private passions spill. The written words are my songs." 

This quote speaks volume for my seemingly lasting search for my "medium" which I realized in February. I had a chance to meet the author when he was in Vietnam with PBS Newshour filming our organization.

I realize I get to meet lots of pretty cool people here that I probably wouldn't get to meet otherwise. The other month or so I shook hands with Dustin Nguyen, from 21 Jump Street. I held my excitement in pretty damn well, especially since his last Vietnamese movie, Canh Dong Bat Tan (Floating Lives), made me cry my eyes out and is one of my favorites during my time here.

Also, I may meet the author of the book Canh Dong Bat Tan in her hometown in the rural areas in Ca Mau in the Mekong Delta, where she resides despite her fame! Legit.

I meet so many rich characters and people here, so full of life that they don't even know it. Today I went to go eat Pho at my usual place a block away from the house. I haven't gone in a while, since I don't like to eat out too much. They know me, and every time I go eat there, I bring a new friend. It makes it seem like I always have new friends. The man said I looked fatter, which I thought was rather sweet.

Comments about my weight are what I like to say very Vietnamese compliments - the kind you give to people so you know that they remember you, that they remember what you look like, and recognize you. It's their way of saying "How are you doin'? In a very genuine way...  I ask his wife for some coffee, but she doesn't have condense milk. And I make a sour face. She then asks if we want her to order it for us, and we say yes. She goes across the street to call us coffee. The coffee lady knows me too. Her rough face is disrupted by a big smile. "Where have you been?? I haven't seen you in so long?!" It's a question I know well and get a lot from people around here. I disappear for days and months at a time. Basically, I don't come out to get coffee. I tell her that I've been working a lot, and that I go to and from Saigon and Long Xuyen too much. I smile really big.

They share with me things that I take with me, from a small conversation to a seemingly minute gesture, all of it adds up to an amazing experience in Vietnam. I never ask too much from people. Well, in fact I never ask anything of anyone, something my dad has unknowingly taught me, to not trust anyone for anything. I like things the way they are. Floating along, undisrupted by my presence. In the end, we'll meet if time allows us to, our lives will intersect, and things will come together just as they do for me now.


---

Very few of us live in the present. I mean if our mind is allowed to choose between the past, present and future, why would it want to stay in one place? Unfortunately, our bodies can only be in the present. Our souls, dreams, and desires on the other hand are able to transcend the limitations of the real world.

Sometimes when I meet or hear about extremely materialistic people, who really are creatures of their own sort, I wonder how they came into existence. How a person, a human being can find happiness rooted in a Louis Vuitton bag. Surely the bag isn't very warm. It's not that nice, in fact it's probably a bit rough, cold and hard. Maybe they're just a really awkward person. Maybe the Louis Vuitton bag is like their imaginary friend that makes them feel good. An adult imaginary friend manifested in objects.

"Isn't this bag so cute! I am so in love with it!!"
"In love with it?"
"Yes!!"
"Jesus, I've never uttered those words to a lover, let alone a bag"

This is how I feel about the iphone. Another adult imaginary friend. It feels good to get recognition from tweets and facebook likes doesn't it? Feels good that someone is validating your experience as a human being who spends most of your time staring at a screen (*hypocrisy unfortunately noted as I am typing this). Awkward? Let's stare at the iphone, dance your fingers on it so you look really cool, but you damn well know that you got nothin' on the dance floor.

In conclusion, expensive unnecessary objects such as Louis Vuitton bags and iphones are like I said, adult imaginary friends for awkward people trying to be cool.

Unfortunately for me, since I don't have these objects to hide behind or be my friend, I end up being just an awkward person looking awkward.

And I will end it with that.

Awkward.

P.S. My very very good friend Sally Kikuchi is also not a fan of iphones. However, since I cannot access face book anymore, I decided to google her name to see if I can find an awkward picture of her. Low and behold on a japanese kickboxing website:

P.P.S. Yeah! We don't need no damn Louis Vuitton bags OR iphones. What it do.


I love you Sally "anti- iphone" Kikuchi! (I would vote for you for senate).


---

GRE distraction and procrastination accomplished. I write my best during these times.

Occassionally, or almost always I relapse into faded memories.

serious face*

Sometimes I slip between emotions and fall into a space that I cannot comprehend or convey with clarity. My favorite moments are those that I experience isolated, even when there is someone next to me.

"On the tip of my tongue

As the back beats cracks

I hit my drum

I get into my car"

It's more about the process, rarely about the result. 

If you reflect back on whatever memories your mind chooses to recall, it's selective, few, and unpredictable.  I surround myself with images, things I like, and visual things because well, I tend to forget a lot. I have a pretty good habit of collecting small items, such as ticket stubs, scribble pieces of paper, or receipt, throwing them in some drawer in case I may need it for the future. 

What if I want to remember? What if I need to show people, perhaps my grandchildren?

I think about these things.

She looks down because looking up may mean that she will see the blue hues not as how she intended it to be. She realizes that the possibility of giving up is probable but unlikely to happen. Relishing in moments of rising fears, her heart hears her breathe. Steady but heavy. Steady. But heavy. Heavy. She holds her breath. Pinches her nose so the water doesn't come in. Breathe. Steady. Leap.

And the blue hues swirled exactly as she expected.

Now being in Vietnam, my realizations are much more stronger, vibrant, and easily detected. Chosen displacement is a privilege and I take advantage of it. For the most part, I lay hidden and when my identity as a "foreigner" is revealed I cringe inside. A knot twists and I get over it. Annoyed but I'm over it. I've had many other realizations during my time here, too much to even begin to write down, but I suppose I must start somewhere.

• Our assumptions about people are always never complete.
• People process and reflect on things very differently from one another - this sometimes causes conflicts
• People don't think like me. Some do, but even when I think they do, they don't completely.
• Everyone has something to share - although the will to share is another story.
• People are very very giving.
• Sharing your life with someone requires a great deal of effort and opening on your behalf.
• You don't need to find love, really you just have to be prepared to accept it, it's all around you.
• There is no single right solution to complex multi-faceted problems.
• People only know as much as you share with them.
• Sharing requires a vulnerability from me that I am not really well prepared for.
• I create distance in order to not be disappointed by others. I get disappointed at myself instead.
• Children are a lot stronger than we think they are.
• People are a lot more resilient than I think.
• In order to really get the whole picture of a situation it requires time, access & understanding. The whole picture may never be achieved.
• Patience
• Sharing my thoughts and ideas is very difficult for me because I am highly afraid of judgement and rejection. Something I've conditioned myself with.
• The habits of my parents make complete sense.
• I wallow back and forth awkwardly between my identity as a child and an adult.
• I'm ready to fall in love.
• I am content with what is in front of me. 
• I lack discipline and often get lost in my thoughts or facebook. 
• Often times, the issues discussed in the first world never ever make it to the community being spoken of in the third world. They have no idea what you are talking about, what your life is like, nor do they care.
• Don't invalidate other people's experiences, thoughts, and opinions - yours is like that because of your background, theirs is like that because of theirs - find a middle ground. share.
• Adults don't remember what it's like to be in a younger person's shoes.
• I sometimes don't remember.
• People make up a lot of excuses for their fears.
• The Office is really funny.
• Being "silenced" because you don't know the language is a complete eye opener and transforms the way I think about "voice" To literally not be able to speak your mind is a very frustrating and disempowering process. It's liberating once you overcome it. 
• Express what you think to people, people cannot predict at all what you are thinking.
• Human trafficking is not going to go away.
• It's hard to "un-do" what a person has learned.

I've met amazing admirable people along my time here, and I am grateful to have made all the friends and acquaintances that I have made. I have learned that its not about wanting things and wishing it would be like this or that. Things do not necessarily come to you unless you are ready to receive it. I've also had the opportunity to spend  a great deal of time with older women, families, and strangers. Surprisingly strangers are really really nice to me. Even though its fleeting, it has shaped the way that I treat others in my life. 

*In real life, I actually cannot hold this look on my face for more than 10 seconds. I smile too much.