Occassionally, or almost always I relapse into faded memories.

serious face*

Sometimes I slip between emotions and fall into a space that I cannot comprehend or convey with clarity. My favorite moments are those that I experience isolated, even when there is someone next to me.

"On the tip of my tongue

As the back beats cracks

I hit my drum

I get into my car"

It's more about the process, rarely about the result. 

If you reflect back on whatever memories your mind chooses to recall, it's selective, few, and unpredictable.  I surround myself with images, things I like, and visual things because well, I tend to forget a lot. I have a pretty good habit of collecting small items, such as ticket stubs, scribble pieces of paper, or receipt, throwing them in some drawer in case I may need it for the future. 

What if I want to remember? What if I need to show people, perhaps my grandchildren?

I think about these things.

She looks down because looking up may mean that she will see the blue hues not as how she intended it to be. She realizes that the possibility of giving up is probable but unlikely to happen. Relishing in moments of rising fears, her heart hears her breathe. Steady but heavy. Steady. But heavy. Heavy. She holds her breath. Pinches her nose so the water doesn't come in. Breathe. Steady. Leap.

And the blue hues swirled exactly as she expected.

Now being in Vietnam, my realizations are much more stronger, vibrant, and easily detected. Chosen displacement is a privilege and I take advantage of it. For the most part, I lay hidden and when my identity as a "foreigner" is revealed I cringe inside. A knot twists and I get over it. Annoyed but I'm over it. I've had many other realizations during my time here, too much to even begin to write down, but I suppose I must start somewhere.

• Our assumptions about people are always never complete.
• People process and reflect on things very differently from one another - this sometimes causes conflicts
• People don't think like me. Some do, but even when I think they do, they don't completely.
• Everyone has something to share - although the will to share is another story.
• People are very very giving.
• Sharing your life with someone requires a great deal of effort and opening on your behalf.
• You don't need to find love, really you just have to be prepared to accept it, it's all around you.
• There is no single right solution to complex multi-faceted problems.
• People only know as much as you share with them.
• Sharing requires a vulnerability from me that I am not really well prepared for.
• I create distance in order to not be disappointed by others. I get disappointed at myself instead.
• Children are a lot stronger than we think they are.
• People are a lot more resilient than I think.
• In order to really get the whole picture of a situation it requires time, access & understanding. The whole picture may never be achieved.
• Patience
• Sharing my thoughts and ideas is very difficult for me because I am highly afraid of judgement and rejection. Something I've conditioned myself with.
• The habits of my parents make complete sense.
• I wallow back and forth awkwardly between my identity as a child and an adult.
• I'm ready to fall in love.
• I am content with what is in front of me. 
• I lack discipline and often get lost in my thoughts or facebook. 
• Often times, the issues discussed in the first world never ever make it to the community being spoken of in the third world. They have no idea what you are talking about, what your life is like, nor do they care.
• Don't invalidate other people's experiences, thoughts, and opinions - yours is like that because of your background, theirs is like that because of theirs - find a middle ground. share.
• Adults don't remember what it's like to be in a younger person's shoes.
• I sometimes don't remember.
• People make up a lot of excuses for their fears.
• The Office is really funny.
• Being "silenced" because you don't know the language is a complete eye opener and transforms the way I think about "voice" To literally not be able to speak your mind is a very frustrating and disempowering process. It's liberating once you overcome it. 
• Express what you think to people, people cannot predict at all what you are thinking.
• Human trafficking is not going to go away.
• It's hard to "un-do" what a person has learned.

I've met amazing admirable people along my time here, and I am grateful to have made all the friends and acquaintances that I have made. I have learned that its not about wanting things and wishing it would be like this or that. Things do not necessarily come to you unless you are ready to receive it. I've also had the opportunity to spend  a great deal of time with older women, families, and strangers. Surprisingly strangers are really really nice to me. Even though its fleeting, it has shaped the way that I treat others in my life. 

*In real life, I actually cannot hold this look on my face for more than 10 seconds. I smile too much.