this

blog remains very difficult for me
addicted to my abstract thoughts
or unable to break from the need to only reveal small snippets of myself
unable to honestly reveal things


maybe cos approx two years ago i discovered a world that i never thought possible
outside of berkeley, my mind began to wrap around ideas and emotions for the first time
but that receded quickly



i am left with the inability to process, because during that time, i did not need to. and what a wonderful feeling that was.

writing in abstract allows me to write whatever the fuck i want, and you as the reader would never fully know/comprehend my emotions or thoughts at that time.

ironically i leave you hanging because i want you to come back.


now trying to process things in a non-mundane manner

so that my reader will be able to process and understand it too. and comeback.


and maybe,
finally, i will too.

yesterday

while enjoying a two hour moto ride from (ba thay) i don't quiet know how to spell it.
and thoroughly enjoying my moto chat with my driver who was a friend of the family
and watching landscapes fly by
mosquitos thwart the wind
and so on
the driver asked me if i knew what my name meant
i said it meant mau vang (the color gold)

yes, that's what it means, but it also means something else.
what do you mean?
it means needle.

oh like a toothpick?

no, like a sewing needle.

how do you spell it?



exactly the same.

according to the vietnamese dictionary,

kim: đồ dùng đổ khâu vá, nhỏ, có một đầu nhọn, đầu kia để xỏ chỉ

hardly

ever do i get homesick. its a trait that i know few people have. i've moved away from ontario, ca to berkeley to hong kong back to berkeley and then now to vietnam.

sometimes i wonder where this inability to feel homesick stems from. maybe its because i'm a visual thinker, and a visual learner, and the only way for me to grow is to constantly find ways to see new things.

yes, i do get tired. complain once and a while. and miss my friends. but this sense of longing is absent for the most part.

maybe because i'm finally home.

the

rain pours like my thoughts do



my mind wraps around things with fleeting considerations
often times
i'm unable to process things until i sit
sit and do nothing


and that
i don't have enough time for.


===


seeing that it is difficult for me to stray away from my tendency to make my blog entries very "vague" as a friend once told me, i suppose its because i tend to be scatter brained when it comes to processing things and getting things done. starting one thing ill forget to do another, and start another. many things run through my head through the day and few get recorded.

and wondering, as a scatter brained person internally, but externally ordered, if these contrasting characteristics conflict with one another, and as a result produce something false.


===

while here, i have a fellowship project to do, i'm really excited as my thoughts wrap around anything that i see and add on until i finally get to implement it. here are my current inspirations: