Mind blowing.
July 6, 2011 Correction: Plinko is actually a game on the Price is Right. Thank you Sally Kikuchi for pointing out my blunder. I am glad you read my blog.
26.6.11
There is something a bit mesmerizing about karaoke.
At deafening volumes, karaoke to the Vietnamese is sort of what plinko pachinko is to the Japanese. Loud, mindless, and a tad bit enjoyable, Vietnamese people find refuge in the wailings of their fellow karaokers. I find myself sometimes satisfyingly staring blankly at the white words turning red as the monotonous beat with occasional high synth note hits.
Mind blowing.
July 6, 2011 Correction: Plinko is actually a game on the Price is Right. Thank you Sally Kikuchi for pointing out my blunder. I am glad you read my blog.
Mind blowing.
July 6, 2011 Correction: Plinko is actually a game on the Price is Right. Thank you Sally Kikuchi for pointing out my blunder. I am glad you read my blog.
Welcome to the wonderful world of Kim the randomiest place on earth.
Of course this goes to say that all human beings and living creatures are complex.
I love that word. Complex.
I mean the word itself looks complex. There's an x in it and usually words with x's arouse notions of complexity and confusion.
Xenophobia
Xena
Xylophone
Ex-boyfriend
Experience
X-men
X-generation
XXX
You know the works. Anyways, I just finished my GRE's which means that I will resume my normal state of randomosity twinkled with a bit of crazy happy fun.
I think IMPACTFUL is a word but it isn't. I really wish it was. I think I'm mixing it up with another word but have yet to find that original word. For now, IMPACTFUL will erroneously suffice. It has also dawned on me that I have less than 2 months left before I return to the suburbs and it's probably going to go something like this:
@ Grocery store:
Wandering around the grocery store I will become saddened by the impressive array and replete nature of processed foods that I will just squat in the middle of the aisle hoping that fresh green vegetables, lively jumping fish and red blood unsanitary meat covered in flies will appear.
Announcement over the p.a. "Clean up on aisle three. There is a despondent asian girl crying in front of the spam"
@ Starbucks:
Can I have some sweet milk with my coffee?
What? 2% Soymilk with no sugar?
No, You know condense milk.
What? No we don't have that.
"Um boss there's this asian girl who just started squatting and crying and won't leave."
@ the Mall:
Hi how much is this?
Let me check the price for you. Ok $10.99
How about $9.99?
What? No ma'am it's $10.99
Oh c'mon I just volunteered in Vietnam for two years and I'm poor just give me a dollar off $9.99.
Ma'am we don't bargain here.
"Ma'am please get up, you're making a scene. Please."
@ a restaurant
What is this TIP?
Kim, you gotta give 20% TIP.
What? TIP? I can tip the table at a 20 degree angle by putting some napkins under it but that's gonna be a mess.
Kim.
What?
...
"Kim, please get off the floor. I got the tip don't worry about it."
@ 10 am calling a friend on Tuesday
Hey, wanna grab some food and drinks?
What? Kim I'm in the middle of work I'm not even suppose to be on the phone.
Yeah don't worry about it, c'mon let's grab a smoothie.
I can't.
Why? I don't get it.
BECAUSE I HAVE TO WORK.
And? I have no idea what you are saying right now, you still drink and eat food don't you?
No, I can't. Here let me look at my calendar I have some time on Saturday between 2 to 3 pm does that work for you?
...
Kim? You there?
...
Kim stop crying...Ok ok, how about 2 to 3:30 pm.
Yup, and the list goes on. Be ready folks for the crying and squatting Kim. It will probably happen at regular intervals seeing that American life is pretty mundane, banal and predictable.
---
A friend told me that one of my difficult challenges will probably be relaying my experience and what I've learned to people back home. I believe this is the task of life in general as everyone has a difficult time relaying their experience and what they've learned from other people. Some of my friends have written to me telling me that their life is usual and they have nothing really to update. I believe they are wrong. Stories are how you tell them. I love to hear about little things in life, the conversation with the 10 year old, the past stories of youth, the day of doing nothing but learning something new on tv, working hard for something and accomplishing it. These small things I care about. Things that are gaudy and flashy rarely impress me. What impresses me is people who are people. People who are just themselves around me. People who work hard. People who are nice. People who care for their loved ones. People who have difficult times at home. People who share. People who laugh and make me laugh. People who find beauty in everything. People who are creative naturally and in their own way. This is what that impresses me. This to me is what is worth living for.
Many people will try to live through their materials. Materials are finite and something you can have and touch and have someone be envious of you. But there is no strength in living through your materials because in the end of the day we all do the same things. That is eat, sleep, drink, and feel. People do each one to varying degrees. Some people hide their feelings, some people eat fancy meals, some people eat to survive. I have a hard time relaying my experiences and stories to people. I have a hard time really being outgoing and connecting to people because sometimes my shyness takes over me. Actually my shyness consistently takes over and I get nervous and my insecurities turn on. My voice is really little. Some people can't hear me sometimes, or most people. It actually hurts my throat to talk too loud. I have really nice friends who are conscious of this and always ask me to speak or to hear my opinions. I appreciate that.
As for now, I am going to try to figure out ways to express myself. To create. It's really hard for me sometimes because this sense of laziness sort of overcomes me or perhaps its insecurities and this lostness I feel when I am forcing myself to do art. I'd rather be doing nothing than something. Ok, art based workshop #5 today. I'm going to teach the girls how to story tell and mural today. I have less than two hours to put it together now.
18.6.11
G.R.whhhhhhhaaaaat.
Vestiges of soft unrequited love remain nestled between the cracks of broken cement and dirty brown carpet. Masked by straight lines and squared lawns, his love for her was reduced to the consistent inaudible drone of Chinese and Vietnamese radio, hum drums delights of celebrity Taiwanese game shows, and the wailing rain of Korean dramas. Outside of this, the clanking of dishes and sizzle of blood-fresh meat and pounded garlic occasionally surfaced. It was hard to believe that love existed in this place.
For their daughter, love was finite and existed at her desk. Her desk was small, made of plastic plywood and had an eclectic variation of shelves. Dents and marks were covered with stickers. Stickers were layered with even more dents and marks. She would methodically place her school papers to the left, her aladdin picture on the back and whatever novelty items she hoarded.
Her dad's peculiar obsession with moving furniture around the house kept her desk moving. Her desk was familiar with many rooms in the house. For a period of time her desk spent time in the dining room/living room. She rather enjoyed this lack of privacy. She saw her dad more this way.
...to be continued
---
Dear Arcade Fire,
You are good to me. Thank you for filling my morning with inspirational dance goodness through the harmonious belching of your preachy songs. Thank you for existing and creating.
hugs, kim
I've been in a frenzied state because I have my GRE's in 4 days and continue to score very poorly on practice tests. I realized that most of this has to do with stress and me concentrating on "finishing" rather than answering each one with caution and care. I'm just going to relax and breath and concentrate on the test. Listen to Arcade Fire. Try to do my best and if I don't do well, it won't be the end of the world.
Afterwards I'm getting a cupcake for myself and my friend Linh and we're going to eat fuckin' crab. Linh will fly to America back to Des Moines, Iowa the very next day so I am sad. However, I am very delighted with the fact that I have friends in the Midwest. This means that I can probably satisfy my dreams of midwestern way of life by being a stupid California tourist who can't tell the difference between Idaho and Iowa in the very near future.
June 23rd will mark the "last stretch" if you will. Here are my travel plans:
July 2nd - July 4th - Hue, Vietnam - final VIA hooplah! Goodbye to Ellioto.
July 11th - 13th - Phnom Penh, Cambodia for work (maybe Siem Reap?)
August 16th - 21st - Taipei, Taiwan - to do what I don't know but I really want to speak Chinese.
August 21st - Los Angeles, CA, USA (!) - land of people who speak English!
August 28th - Huntington Beach, CA - ADAPT Inspires - Pacific Links Foundation fundraising luncheon - I'm a speaker!
In there I want to fit in another rendezvous in Hong Kong to see some friends and a trip to Hanoi and our shelter for trafficking returnees in Lao Cai province. In addition to all the goodbye Vietnamese dinners I must do before I leave.
---
And what is a post without videos? Arcade Fire!
I GUESS WE JUST HAVE TO ADDJUUUUUUUUUUUST!!! My Vietnamese neighbors probably don't know what hit them.
---
I really like this blog entry from good girl dinette in Los Angeles, CA - "American diner meets Vietnamese comfort food." I like how she captures her parent's early dates with such color and liveliness.
Because her blog is nestled into her website I am unfortunately am unable to get the link to the exact entry. If you scroll down you can find the entry under the title "date" Here's a snippet:
banh khot
the tiny stall is packed with hungry diners waiting in front of dimpled pans in which a mixture of rice, coconut milk, and scallions is sputtering in oil. when the banh khot with dried shrimp and mung bean come out, they are perfectly blistered and crisp. she eats deliberately. he can see her mind working. she knows the basic recipe, but cannot discern the ingredient or technique that distinguishes these cakes from the others at the market. he laughs as she looks from their empty plates to the coveted batter next to the fire. he lets her take one last look, then takes her hand and they exit onto the street.
che
before too long, a vendor stops in front of them. in today's yoke are mung beans and red beans in coconut milk, neatly poured into plastic bags, each with a straw fastened by rubber bands. they take two bags and resume their saunter.
cine
the marquee advertises charlie chaplin's "modern times." they walk toward their seats, arms carrying beef jerky, coca-colas, and popcorn. the cool and dark of the movie house and her perfume do their magic and he falls asleep halfway into the film. this time it's she who indulges him and lets him sleep. when the movie ends, she nudges him awake and takes his hand to leave the theater.
---
I've realized that I'm very good with creativity if I have limitations or guidelines. Like a homework assignment. I love K-12 homework assignments, I'm very good at them. Make this. Make that. Do this using these things. I may entertain the idea of doing a project that gives me guidelines to make this and make that. I also love following rules (like a martinet) and hate not following rules, and I say this with as much veracity as I can. Breaking rules gives me a heart attack.
If I can focus this much time to my GRE's I probably damn could focus it on other things...like learning how to read music, doing art and trying to practice and be good at it, exercise, spend time with family, old friends.
6.6.11
Read 'em: "Who Runs The World?: On Beyonce, Sampling, Race, and Power" by Isaac Miller
Very recently, I posted Beyonce's video "Who Runs the World (girls)" - praising it. I was a bit hesitant of my praise because the little Berkeley activist voice inside me was like "this video is problematic"
But I decided to "fuck it" and post it anyways from the mere naive exhilaration I felt from the video. Explosions! Beyonce dancing! Mainstream pop music focusing on what seems to be girl's empowerment! AMAZING.
Note: I was also experiencing American pop music and culture for the first time in a long time. After a long period of watching teeny bopper Vietnamese and Korean music videos, this stuff was mind blowing.
I overlooked the problems of the video, being that I have taken on the "absorb and listen (and ignore) instead of critique and attack immediately" stance since first studying abroad in Hong Kong years ago. (This is my way of dealing with stupid people and enjoying myself.)
Hyenas on chains! Whatever!
A girl crawling out of a cage? I...I didn't see that.
Militant like theme of the video? What? Her outfit is awesome!
Anyways this article by Isaac Miller a fellow Berkeleyian and CalSERVEr puts it together so well that it's mind blowing! Read it here.
He goes beyond talking about "Who Runs the World" video, but dives into diplo, sampling, and provides just an in depth look at music, race, and all the things I love to critique all rolled into one.
---
"This seems like it wasn't originally written in English" - a fellow volunteer on a case story I wrote originally in English.
I am going to make a conscious effort to reduce my grammatical errors and passive sentence structure on this blog. The combination of speaking Vietnamese and being surrounded by Vietnamese locals who don't speak English 95% of the time, translating Vietnamese to English, and not writing anything else outside of my blog and factsheets has led to the demise of my writing ability.
Unfortunately this frequent and careless dismissal results in the attenuation of my ability to write eloquently and well.
Also, apologies in advance for my superfluous use of annoying "difficult" words. I'm trying to practice for my gre's - bear with me.
But I decided to "fuck it" and post it anyways from the mere naive exhilaration I felt from the video. Explosions! Beyonce dancing! Mainstream pop music focusing on what seems to be girl's empowerment! AMAZING.
Note: I was also experiencing American pop music and culture for the first time in a long time. After a long period of watching teeny bopper Vietnamese and Korean music videos, this stuff was mind blowing.
I overlooked the problems of the video, being that I have taken on the "absorb and listen (and ignore) instead of critique and attack immediately" stance since first studying abroad in Hong Kong years ago. (This is my way of dealing with stupid people and enjoying myself.)
Hyenas on chains! Whatever!
A girl crawling out of a cage? I...I didn't see that.
Militant like theme of the video? What? Her outfit is awesome!
Anyways this article by Isaac Miller a fellow Berkeleyian and CalSERVEr puts it together so well that it's mind blowing! Read it here.
He goes beyond talking about "Who Runs the World" video, but dives into diplo, sampling, and provides just an in depth look at music, race, and all the things I love to critique all rolled into one.
---
"This seems like it wasn't originally written in English" - a fellow volunteer on a case story I wrote originally in English.
I am going to make a conscious effort to reduce my grammatical errors and passive sentence structure on this blog. The combination of speaking Vietnamese and being surrounded by Vietnamese locals who don't speak English 95% of the time, translating Vietnamese to English, and not writing anything else outside of my blog and factsheets has led to the demise of my writing ability.
Unfortunately this frequent and careless dismissal results in the attenuation of my ability to write eloquently and well.
Also, apologies in advance for my superfluous use of annoying "difficult" words. I'm trying to practice for my gre's - bear with me.
3.6.11
A rather obvious soliloquy for the audience at large.
Sometimes I get lost in visioning or daydreaming about the future. I like to do that you know, daydream. I also like to talk to myself, but only when I am by myself and really by myself. Some people like to talk to themselves with people around. I don't because I don't want anyone to answer me. I want to be that tree that falls and no one hears. I imagine conversations, what had been and what could of been. If I had only done this and that. I reenact things.
In my conversations with myself I am confident, articulate, profound. I can stop, pause, rewind. Redo a sentence. Make it more clever. In my conversations I am sexy. In my conversations I am at least 5 feet tall. My teeth don't clatter from nervousness. I make sense. There is no question about my intelligence. I am clear and people can see me for who I am. In my conversations my inhibitions do not stop me. People love me. I can talk back quickly and keenly. I am sassy. In my conversations I am a lead singer of a band. I play guitar. And drums. And electric keyboard. Sometimes the synth.
---
If you look at kids, all they want is love and to be cared for. Adults want that too, but for whatever reason we have forgotten how to ask for that love and care, as if we aren't allowed to.
"Grow up"
"Act like an adult"
"Stop being a child"
It's through this denial that we ironically don't grow and develop. That humans are stagnant. It's this inability to reconcile our childhood, face the truth that is us.
Now I'm not saying "avoid all responsibility!" "BE A BIG BABY!"
No. I am not saying that, if you think I am than you're an idiot. One should embrace who they are. Remember that you have feelings. And that it's okay. Underneath a wizened smile and hoary exterior, everyone is truly a kid, an experienced aged kid but essentially that's what we want: love and care.
---
I'm going to apologize for my previous haphazard posts about what I don't exactly know. A combination of current pop culture music videos, gaga mother monster syndrome, random adoration for musicians who are 25 years old, and photos of my favorite cartoons. This is probably what insanity looks like.
Speaking of insanity, I've always liked it when my friend Ed asks me the following simple question:
"How you be?"
It's sort of an unintentional spin off of "to be or not to be" but instead of asking me that...the question assumes I chose "to be." So the next obvious question is "How you be?"
How do you live? How are you present? How have you been truthful to yourself?
---
I once met a social worker who told me to think of a place where I felt the most comfortable and most free to be by yourself. She said something that surprised me:
"For example...think of when you're on the toilet and you are free to truly be yourself with no restrictions"
I laughed because the toilet was the last place I thought of as the most "comfortable" place to be but I have to admit, I feel pretty fuckin' free on the toilet honestly! (Insert toilet joke)
---
My friend Diane reminds me to be silly. I've recently recruited her to volunteer for my organization stateside so I get the pleasure of hearing her voice in our staff meetings with the staff in the U.S.
I forget what it's like to have a person who you can laugh with/at.
"Bubbly thoughts kimmy!"
I don't think she knows how much the staff love her. I like how her personality, words, phrases, and sentences unintentionally makes people laugh and lighten up even across oceans. That's the magic of it, almost always it's unintentional. She's just herself. People love it! I love her!
---
I knew that you were nervous around me.
Years ago, a cute boy once recommended Broken Social Scene's Lover's Spit to me. It's still one of my top favorite "romantic" songs to listen to. I've had the stupidest crush on you since.
I saw his shoes from the corner of my eyes and smiled. I loved his shoes. It was the first time he came up to me to speak to me. "I really like your painting" Speechless, I uttered a mere "thanks." It was also the last day of class.
You lingered for a little longer than you should of. I noticed.
Although you were just the boy who worked in the art store and I knew nothing about you, I think I fell for you when you suddenly told me a story about your mom.
My teeth clattered not because I was cold...but because you were cute.
---
Moments only become real when you yourself are.
In my conversations with myself I am confident, articulate, profound. I can stop, pause, rewind. Redo a sentence. Make it more clever. In my conversations I am sexy. In my conversations I am at least 5 feet tall. My teeth don't clatter from nervousness. I make sense. There is no question about my intelligence. I am clear and people can see me for who I am. In my conversations my inhibitions do not stop me. People love me. I can talk back quickly and keenly. I am sassy. In my conversations I am a lead singer of a band. I play guitar. And drums. And electric keyboard. Sometimes the synth.
---
If you look at kids, all they want is love and to be cared for. Adults want that too, but for whatever reason we have forgotten how to ask for that love and care, as if we aren't allowed to.
"Grow up"
"Act like an adult"
"Stop being a child"
It's through this denial that we ironically don't grow and develop. That humans are stagnant. It's this inability to reconcile our childhood, face the truth that is us.
Now I'm not saying "avoid all responsibility!" "BE A BIG BABY!"
No. I am not saying that, if you think I am than you're an idiot. One should embrace who they are. Remember that you have feelings. And that it's okay. Underneath a wizened smile and hoary exterior, everyone is truly a kid, an experienced aged kid but essentially that's what we want: love and care.
---
I'm going to apologize for my previous haphazard posts about what I don't exactly know. A combination of current pop culture music videos, gaga mother monster syndrome, random adoration for musicians who are 25 years old, and photos of my favorite cartoons. This is probably what insanity looks like.
Speaking of insanity, I've always liked it when my friend Ed asks me the following simple question:
"How you be?"
It's sort of an unintentional spin off of "to be or not to be" but instead of asking me that...the question assumes I chose "to be." So the next obvious question is "How you be?"
How do you live? How are you present? How have you been truthful to yourself?
---
I once met a social worker who told me to think of a place where I felt the most comfortable and most free to be by yourself. She said something that surprised me:
"For example...think of when you're on the toilet and you are free to truly be yourself with no restrictions"
I laughed because the toilet was the last place I thought of as the most "comfortable" place to be but I have to admit, I feel pretty fuckin' free on the toilet honestly! (Insert toilet joke)
---
My friend Diane reminds me to be silly. I've recently recruited her to volunteer for my organization stateside so I get the pleasure of hearing her voice in our staff meetings with the staff in the U.S.
I forget what it's like to have a person who you can laugh with/at.
"Bubbly thoughts kimmy!"
I don't think she knows how much the staff love her. I like how her personality, words, phrases, and sentences unintentionally makes people laugh and lighten up even across oceans. That's the magic of it, almost always it's unintentional. She's just herself. People love it! I love her!
---
I knew that you were nervous around me.
Years ago, a cute boy once recommended Broken Social Scene's Lover's Spit to me. It's still one of my top favorite "romantic" songs to listen to. I've had the stupidest crush on you since.
I saw his shoes from the corner of my eyes and smiled. I loved his shoes. It was the first time he came up to me to speak to me. "I really like your painting" Speechless, I uttered a mere "thanks." It was also the last day of class.
You lingered for a little longer than you should of. I noticed.
Although you were just the boy who worked in the art store and I knew nothing about you, I think I fell for you when you suddenly told me a story about your mom.
My teeth clattered not because I was cold...but because you were cute.
---
Moments only become real when you yourself are.
1.6.11
Liking Is for Cowards. Go for What Hurts.
NYTimes opinion article can be read here. Found this on my friend Elliot's gchat status and LOVED IT. It's exactly how I feel about technology and life. The author's sudden for love mirrors the love that I've encountered while living in small city Vietnam for the last two years. An unexpected love that lasts.
