Loss and sunshine.

Somewhere along the way over the course of the past year I lost myself and stopped writing in my blog. There were circumstances that I won't describe here in detail (because you know, the internet), but to sum it up I wasn't myself and it wasn't my fault - although I felt that it was at times.

The other day I described to my friend a sense of loss of my childhood. I had felt it present in the past 5 years or so, but today I would have to say that it's no longer really there and I'm okay with that. Perhaps loss is a strange word to use, but more so a sense of detachment or transformation.

Baltimore is an interesting city. I've grown to slowly love it, and it's still growing on me. However, I've seen less and less these days, but my love grows stronger and stronger as my three major prongs of life continue to grow: work, relationships, and health. Now that I'm older, I value those three things and put a lot of energy into them. Now I feel that I am in a good place with all three and I hope to keep that momentum going and building along. I sure did not feel that way in the past year especially when a few of those pillars were crumbling and not helping me stand (or rather I was not helping them stand).

I say this a lot but I cried almost every week in the past year despite having fallen in love with someone. Isn't it strange how life can be - this ebb and flow of things? And still my heart finds a way to strengthen and I find a way to shine.

I'd like to set my intention for the now and to not give a timeline to it. I'm not going to force it, I'm not going to worry about whether I'm doing enough. Just going to set my intention when I'd like to and not get too overwhelmed with the time of things. I think I've pushed myself to strive for something in the past 5 years or so, and the adventure, as old as this story sounds, was really what was valuable. I'm at where I want to be but not exactly, and that's alright.

**

I was thinking about trying to find my perfect job. And today I realized that it doesn't exist and you have to make it and create it. Albeit an environment is something that you may want to search for, but it is also what you put into it. Today was a good day where I felt that I put in some work and my thoughts and the output was quiet supportive. So perhaps instead of fixating on this crazy idealism of a "perfect" job, I can actually try to make my job as close as possible to this as I can and also envision what this means to me.