13.12.11

Make the lines shake.

My former home: Long Xuyen, Photo credit: Someone else!
The big Q tip in Long Xuyen Photo credit: Someone else!

Perhaps there is.
photo credit to the awesome Hy Huynh




---

The lines shake 
The feet hit the cold
Bare
I run towards the sunrise
I reach towards the horizon
Touch

---

I recently accepted a job offer in downtown L.A. I will provide more details when it becomes real (i.e. after my first day of work). I am ecstatic about the position, the people I will be working with, the organization, and the prospects of living in Los Angeles for the next few years. It feels like a great time in my life and I feel like this is exactly where I want to be. It was a hurdle to get here, mentally and physically from 2 years of living abroad to get to understand the community on a much deeper level, to a month of wandering the Pacific Northwest and the Bay area, to a month at home, really focusing and trying. It may seem like an incredible amount of "sacrifice" if you will, but at the same time there was an immense amount of return for all the decisions that I made, for all the times I listened to myself.

I cannot wait to explore L.A., crossing invisible borders of communities, the cemented cracks of sidewalks, and airy sounds of rusty buildings. 

My mom drove me to my job interview. It was her one day off. She is currently helping my uncle at his new Vietnamese restaurant out in the boonies (Ridgecrest, CA) and is gone for most of the week. My interview happen to fall on her one day off. 

We argued in the morning because I said her driving me to my job interview will make me nervous. She has a tendency to drop by grocery stores and whatever not and I was anxious that she would do that. She said she wouldn't and that she would drive me straight there. She reassured me that she was good luck. 

There is a part of the 10 freeway that intersects with the 101, 5, and 60. It is a matrix of vibrating stone and beating wheels. One little mistake in the wrong lane will put you in a whole other part of L.A. and cause you to be very late or frazzled. This part happens to be my favorite part of driving to L.A. You enter in what feels like a yarn ball of freeways - and right when you forget what the blue skies look like - it happens. 

The buildings rise and the blue hues surface.

My mom tells me she used to work in Downtown L.A. She tells me to look for a gigantic B in the skyline as we drove. I tell her to watch the road. It is the part of the 10 freeway that makes the most noise because of these funky lines etched into the ground. I like to think that the vibration of the lines is a reminder to "watch the fuck out for L.A. drivers."

She tells me she sewed. She tells me the floor that she would go on after doing something. I forget the details. Perhaps I was really focused on finding that B. Perhaps it was my side thoughts that entered at that particular moment that made me forget what she said. This is exactly where I want to be for the next few years. This confirms it. Los Angeles Times blocks my view. The Korean churches call me to the left. The burgundy brick and the shiny glass turquoise mix into the crystal blue backdrop with a touch of hazy lingering exhaust. I see the B. I finally see it.








10.12.11

The patterns of my life.




3.12.11

Familiar beats put me at ease

just like the heart beats quick with the warmth of lover's heat
the sounds of unsettled dust and damp gossip distract me
my consciousness slips 
melting into a consistent drone of familiar beats, comfortable
perhaps too comfortable
the notes mold
shape
grasp the lines
and I struggle to understand 
my consciousness 
slips
so I fall 
into familiar beats 
comfortable
nothing 
---


Today, on this lazy Saturday of mine I decided to write on paper (and type on a computer) things that I want to remember, things that I like, things that I put aside to get to know my homeland. I sacrificed an incredible amount of self in the process but in the process of shedding things that were important to me, I learned and discovered the things I was capable of. One thing I really want to return to is my passion for music. My passion for music was accidental. I wasn't really allowed to go outside when I was a kid so I sought refuge in my mom's radio. I was laying on her bed one day, and I turned it on, I liked what I heard (rock music) and started to listen religiously. The turning of dials and static between stations was comforting in the unknown world. It was my way to learn what was possible when I couldn't leave the confounds of my home.

The radio is now on my desk. I refuse to throw it away because it was the device where I discovered good music. Epic. It's this device where I learned that beats could ease me. I account this and No Doubt's "Don't Speak" to my so-called music awakening. It's silly but is true. Thank you rolling stone for putting Gwen Stefani on the front cover instead of the other band members, causing the band to almost break up, therefore causing them to make this great video, causing me to fall in love with music. Life.

I love old things. I love anything vintage. I still have my typewriter in a bag in my room. I dress like an old lady. I think that things with history are so much richer than new things. My tv still has antennae that I have to move around to make my tv clear - I love that. My car is my age and I love that. This affinity for old things lead me to discover antique vintage shopping in Vietnam.

Southeast Asia is my mecca for vintage shopping. Seeped in history and blurry memories of my homeland, they make stories come true. I know where to get used shoes and old purses in Phnom Penh, Cambodia. I know where to get old vintage lens from europe behind the bus station in front of Cho Benh Thanh in Saigon. I know where to go because I searched for it and asked around - whenever I saw someone with cool glasses I asked them where they got it. I lived with a Vietnamese-Hungarian for two years, and she too had the same love for old things, she understood and showed me so much. 

And I can fucking bargain in Vietnamese. 

How much is this?
300,000 vnd
Troi oi! What? That's expensive!! Can you reduce the price?
No, that is the correct price.
But but we're volunteers, we don't even live in Saigon we volunteer in the rural areas sir. 
Noo...
Awwww c'mon. If you sell us a cheap price we'll come back another time.
Ok ok...

Yes!!!



My most prized possessions are some records I found in a small shop on this antique street. I was walking by and went ecstatic over a phonograph. I asked them if it worked and they played it for me. Beautiful. Then I asked if they sold the record they played. I only wanted to buy the one they played but he told me they had a whole box - I bought 7 because they're heavy. I would of bought them all if I could. I pretty much got a steal on them for 30,000 vnd ($1.50) each after bargaining hard. Vietnamese records from the 1940's to 1970's - some made in France. They told me it was made from some material and was not plastic - making them much more sturdier. They don't make records like these anymore. I also really love the art on the records, simplistic, two colors at the most. A stark contrast to glitter gaudy misplaced wordy designs of Vietnam these days. Now all I need is a record player to hear the old time sounds come present.

Weird, you can see my face in the ipod. For record lovers: I know I stacked them, sorry!!









1.12.11

Staying put does not mean settled...or does it?





I've been trying to grapple this idea for a bit - what it means when I tell myself that I want to stay put, that I want to be near my family, and that I want to be here for a "while" seeing that I have been moving for the last six years. I feel like this is what my inner core is telling me, no need to runaway anymore, everything has always been right in front of you. I try to tell myself this because sometimes I don't believe it - I sit at my desk and I don't believe it. I'm frustrated, a bit angry, annoyed, and uncomfortable. Suburbs.

I'm not sure what that means but I never really see things in one dimension, always digging through the layers of things mentally. I know that settled doesn't really mean settled - just because I'm not on a plane every month (which at one point I was) does not mean I have settled. I think the human mind can never be settled. There are many things to look forward too - focus on the positive.

Okay, this was really just a small reminder to myself as most of my blog posts are - I get caught up in life sometimes. This week has been a challenging one in preparing myself for interviews - It's one that requires me to reflect on myself and also my vision for the future - it also requires me to communicate to others my experiences and what I went through in a short amount of time - another good thing. It requires me to be vulnerable. I'm a bit exhausted, my shoulder muscle hurts, and my neck is stiff but gonna truck through this strong. Anyways I was in the desert this past week - one thing that I really really missed when I was in Vietnam was mountains and hills and the very very blue sky of California.






===

My walls are achingly blank - I'm in transition so my walls have yet to be filled - I have two things up and want to put more up, to help remind me what I like, what inspires me, what is beautiful and what is possible.

For now it's blank.

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