And your ex boyfriend gets a new girlfriend in what seems to be a short time period and you have no idea why you feel stupid and heartbroken but you do?
Bluntly speaking. What a blow to my week. It's human nature, to feel hurt and sad. My friend says "that's what single people tend to do" At the same time it's not that simple and I know I'm being dramatic, but the complete obliteration of my existence from his memory is what makes me even sadder. I'm being dumb, I know. I'm not obliterated from his memory. I can't really know for sure, but for the fabric of his life, I probably made some sort of manageable dent in it. I was never really the one to be in a relationship so they come few and far and this one had an effect on me because I whole heartedly trusted him (this is a big deal). Although I have physically relocated, I admittedly think about him daily perhaps because I am holding onto the memory of things. I hope that he is in a good place - I must be present and I know that I must move on because that's what this was all for.
You know that scene in Garden State where they scream their lungs out at the infinite abyss. I need that.
It feels to matter, it matters to feel. The reason why people are a mess most of the time is because they want to matter, they want to be purposeful - sometimes this comes in the form of feeling purposeful to someone else. This reaches beyond romantic relationships but also any other kinds.
Deep down inside, I must remember that he let me go for a reason and I didn't fight back for a reason. But then things started to hurt and I didn't expect that. I heard it in his voice one of those nights, in a shortened version I believe he told me he didn't want to hold me back. And for that I can't expect to hold him back either. One of the things that is always in the back of my mind is that I had told myself a few years ago, I would live in LA for a bit to never go back. I still feel that way although LA tried to change that. It tried to give me a serious relationship, tried to make me settle, gave me people that I miss dearly, and allowed me to have a life there. But I felt life calling me forward to what I believe to be my purpose and I must follow that.
---
One of my favorite authors in the world is Bill Bryson. My friend Linh from Des Moines, Iowa let me borrow his book after I started reading it when she left it on the counter. She let me have it actually because I had spilled a whole bunch of food on it because I couldn't put it down even while eating. She told me she's usually really anal with borrowed books, bothered by folded corners and such, but she said that she knew I was so into it due to all the food stains on it so she let me have the book. He writes about traveling through life and the things he sees. He captures it so beautifully especially through the eyes of a young boy traveling with a quirky family. At its core the book is about love and wander and it captures that naiveness of trying to understand the world so well. I'm really excited to visit the midwest, both Madison and Chicago in the coming weeks. I play on visiting museums, eating cheese and chatting up with people and visiting my favorite friends. I plan on laughing, on hugging, seeing new things, shapes and patterns and doing what I LOVE doing most - staring off into the sweeping scenes of life as it passes me by.
---
In the last few days, people have been popping into my life and checking in on me. They have been calling me, writing me emails, and asking me for my address so they can send me things. For that I am forever grateful. Thank you for taking your time to tell me that I exist, that I meant something to you. That I meant something to someone. Sometimes I get sucked into sadness over my former love, but knowing that you all exist in my life, that you make me laugh and enjoy my company is what keeps me going. Life is a battlefield. Life is a blank canvas. Life is a mystery. Life is weird and I will be alright.
---
Be purposeful to yourself. I've got too much love to feel down.
18.8.13
17.8.13
And I write because I have lots of pent up energy and it's Friday and I have no idea why I went home early.
Lining the hallways of my university there are photos from all over the world. My school is really renown for its international work and it is one of the sole reasons I chose Hopkins over other programs. I am in love with the hallways and enjoy walking through them. The photos, the departments, the history of the building and the school. The school is known for the eradication of smallpox and so much more. A few years ago, I never imagined myself to be in such a prestigious university, so lucky to be surrounded by the most amazing people who can heal and help people with their hands and knowledge. In the midst of running around from lectures, to lunch, to studying - the photos provide a nice break and reminder of why I'm spending so much of my resources to attend this school. There are photos of children. Photos of adults. Photos from Africa. Photos from other countries I have never been to but want to.
And then, there was this photo of a woman, clearly from Vietnam, with her conical hat squatting and rowing a boat. Her eyes facing the photographer. I passed by it for only a second, but it quickly flashed back a flood of memories of the brilliant girls of a scholarship program who would lead me to their homes during program home visits through the mekong channels in the exact same fashion. The same girls who inspire me to go back to school so I can better figure out ways to improve their lives. It was such a strong feeling. It was a strange one, one mixed with longing and nostalgia all together. I miss them, I miss that work, and most importantly, I miss being out of my element - in an element of awe.
You see, sitting on the boat with the girls who would row me to their homes, I had never before experienced that. If events had been different, if there was no war, and nothing else, that might of been my life, but it wasn't. So me being on a rowboat is quite the event. First of all, it reminded me of how different I was. It's extremely difficult to squat in that boat, let alone a row boat. I remember squatting, wearing a huge helmet, holding all my papers and interview sheets, staring at my converses, amused by the green squash underneath me, hoping for my dear life that I wouldn't fall into the water. And the girl, she does this every day. Her balance is impeccable. Her smile even more so. And while it may seem that the world and all its ugly forces are against her - poverty, hunger, and inequality - at that moment I realize she knows so much more than me, she's guiding me and feeding my soul in ways that I could never thought possible.
I think about the green rice paddies a lot. I don't think anyone really understands the calming effect of green rice paddies. I'm not sure what it really is, perhaps its the color, the breeze that floats above them, but the rice paddies I am in love with.
Sometimes I find it hard to be at Hopkins because I start missing people who were in my life but then aren't due to distance and some other complicated matters. I miss them and the comfort and warmth they gave me and then I get sad because I feel miserable from studying so much. Prolonged exposure to wracking my brain around environmental toxins, population dynamics and epidemiologic methods tends to do that to me. I think about things that I want but can't have at the moment. And while I'm writing this I remember why I'm here, I remember that my gut is all I have. I clear my head a bit, and I realize that my gut feeling is always right. That to life there is no wrong answer.
My favorite things in the world have nothing to do with the things I stress about on the daily. I realize that my need to control things is probably having an effect on me and my life is all about a balance of those things that make me anxious and of the things that make me happy. Of the things that make me happy are not even in my life but are still things I fondly remember - cartoon newspapers on sunday, rice paddies, the mekong delta waters, the simple moments in life when you're not stressing out about things. When you're just living and letting it be. When everything is okay and you are not super conscious of things. When people's laughter at your comments warms your heart. When you're mistakes are funny to people. I constantly have a difficult time trying to be social and being safe - and those two things conflict with one another. I regret things, I think about things a lot, wish I had more friends and made friends easily, I make mistakes but am too ashamed and proud to admit it.
After a lifetime of controlling my image and who I am, I feel like I'm starting to forget who I was and the feelings that are true to who I am. I've suppressed it so much over the years that I forgot about that one time when I was little I had a crush on a person for two whole years and didn't tell him until I had to. For the most part, I ALWAYS want to be your friend. I also enjoy awkward, kind people and wish I stood up for people more. I also wished I called out people. If they're shitty and stupid - than I'm probably right. And I wish first impressions aren't everything because I'm not so good at it. This year I want to be more connected to myself and my feelings and to validate them for what they are at the moment instead of worrying about what others think about me. This is going to be extremely difficult - but hey, what isn't.
And then, there was this photo of a woman, clearly from Vietnam, with her conical hat squatting and rowing a boat. Her eyes facing the photographer. I passed by it for only a second, but it quickly flashed back a flood of memories of the brilliant girls of a scholarship program who would lead me to their homes during program home visits through the mekong channels in the exact same fashion. The same girls who inspire me to go back to school so I can better figure out ways to improve their lives. It was such a strong feeling. It was a strange one, one mixed with longing and nostalgia all together. I miss them, I miss that work, and most importantly, I miss being out of my element - in an element of awe.
You see, sitting on the boat with the girls who would row me to their homes, I had never before experienced that. If events had been different, if there was no war, and nothing else, that might of been my life, but it wasn't. So me being on a rowboat is quite the event. First of all, it reminded me of how different I was. It's extremely difficult to squat in that boat, let alone a row boat. I remember squatting, wearing a huge helmet, holding all my papers and interview sheets, staring at my converses, amused by the green squash underneath me, hoping for my dear life that I wouldn't fall into the water. And the girl, she does this every day. Her balance is impeccable. Her smile even more so. And while it may seem that the world and all its ugly forces are against her - poverty, hunger, and inequality - at that moment I realize she knows so much more than me, she's guiding me and feeding my soul in ways that I could never thought possible.
I think about the green rice paddies a lot. I don't think anyone really understands the calming effect of green rice paddies. I'm not sure what it really is, perhaps its the color, the breeze that floats above them, but the rice paddies I am in love with.
Sometimes I find it hard to be at Hopkins because I start missing people who were in my life but then aren't due to distance and some other complicated matters. I miss them and the comfort and warmth they gave me and then I get sad because I feel miserable from studying so much. Prolonged exposure to wracking my brain around environmental toxins, population dynamics and epidemiologic methods tends to do that to me. I think about things that I want but can't have at the moment. And while I'm writing this I remember why I'm here, I remember that my gut is all I have. I clear my head a bit, and I realize that my gut feeling is always right. That to life there is no wrong answer.
My favorite things in the world have nothing to do with the things I stress about on the daily. I realize that my need to control things is probably having an effect on me and my life is all about a balance of those things that make me anxious and of the things that make me happy. Of the things that make me happy are not even in my life but are still things I fondly remember - cartoon newspapers on sunday, rice paddies, the mekong delta waters, the simple moments in life when you're not stressing out about things. When you're just living and letting it be. When everything is okay and you are not super conscious of things. When people's laughter at your comments warms your heart. When you're mistakes are funny to people. I constantly have a difficult time trying to be social and being safe - and those two things conflict with one another. I regret things, I think about things a lot, wish I had more friends and made friends easily, I make mistakes but am too ashamed and proud to admit it.
After a lifetime of controlling my image and who I am, I feel like I'm starting to forget who I was and the feelings that are true to who I am. I've suppressed it so much over the years that I forgot about that one time when I was little I had a crush on a person for two whole years and didn't tell him until I had to. For the most part, I ALWAYS want to be your friend. I also enjoy awkward, kind people and wish I stood up for people more. I also wished I called out people. If they're shitty and stupid - than I'm probably right. And I wish first impressions aren't everything because I'm not so good at it. This year I want to be more connected to myself and my feelings and to validate them for what they are at the moment instead of worrying about what others think about me. This is going to be extremely difficult - but hey, what isn't.
8.8.13
I hope my heart settles down a bit.
It's been through a lot in the past few months and sometimes it beats funky.
---
Despite doing rather poorly on recent exams, I'm incredibly happy to be here. Hopefully everything (including my grades) will be OKAY. I sometimes get sad when the dust settles, but in the scheme of it all I'm happy to be in this amazing place with amazing people with amazing opportunities. It's pushing me in the way I like it. Life's a bit more colorful that way.
---
Despite doing rather poorly on recent exams, I'm incredibly happy to be here. Hopefully everything (including my grades) will be OKAY. I sometimes get sad when the dust settles, but in the scheme of it all I'm happy to be in this amazing place with amazing people with amazing opportunities. It's pushing me in the way I like it. Life's a bit more colorful that way.
4.8.13
Whew.
Channeling the good vibes of the spirits of who knows what...that everything will be okay...that I am here for a reason and that I listened to my heart despite all the nonsense and tugs it put me through.
