You know that moment when you feel really stupid?

And your ex boyfriend gets a new girlfriend in what seems to be a short time period and you have no idea why you feel stupid and heartbroken but you do?

Bluntly speaking. What a blow to my week. It's human nature, to feel hurt and sad. My friend says "that's what single people tend to do" At the same time it's not that simple and I know I'm being dramatic, but the complete obliteration of my existence from his memory is what makes me even sadder. I'm being dumb, I know. I'm not obliterated from his memory. I can't really know for sure, but for the fabric of his life, I probably made some sort of manageable dent in it.  I was never really the one to be in a relationship so they come few and far and this one had an effect on me because I whole heartedly trusted him (this is a big deal).  Although I have physically relocated, I admittedly think about him daily perhaps because I am holding onto the memory of things. I hope that he is in a good place - I must be present and I know that I must move on because that's what this was all for. 

You know that scene in Garden State where they scream their lungs out at the infinite abyss. I need that.

It feels to matter, it matters to feel. The reason why people are a mess most of the time is because they want to matter, they want to be purposeful - sometimes this comes in the form of feeling purposeful to someone else. This reaches beyond romantic relationships but also any other kinds.

Deep down inside, I must remember that he let me go for a reason and I didn't fight back for a reason. But then things started to hurt and I didn't expect that. I heard it in his voice one of those nights, in a shortened version I believe he told me he didn't want to hold me back. And for that I can't expect to hold him back either. One of the things that is always in the back of my mind is that I had told myself a few years ago, I would live in LA for a bit to never go back. I still feel that way although LA tried to change that. It tried to give me a serious relationship, tried to make me settle, gave me people that I miss dearly, and allowed me to have a life there. But I felt life calling me forward to what I believe to be my purpose and I must follow that.

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One of my favorite authors in the world is Bill Bryson. My friend Linh from Des Moines, Iowa let me borrow his book after I started reading it when she left it on the counter. She let me have it actually because I had spilled a whole bunch of food on it because I couldn't put it down even while eating. She told me she's usually really anal with borrowed books, bothered by folded corners and such, but she said that she knew I was so into it due to all the food stains on it so she let me have the book. He writes about traveling through life and the things he sees. He captures it so beautifully especially through the eyes of a young boy traveling with a quirky family. At its core the book is about love and wander and it captures that naiveness of trying to understand the world so well. I'm really excited to visit the midwest, both Madison and Chicago in the coming weeks. I play on visiting museums, eating cheese and chatting up with people and visiting my favorite friends. I plan on laughing, on hugging, seeing new things, shapes and patterns and doing what I LOVE doing most - staring off into the sweeping scenes of life as it passes me by.

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In the last few days, people have been popping into my life and checking in on me. They have been calling me, writing me emails, and asking me for my address so they can send me things. For that I am forever grateful. Thank you for taking your time to tell me that I exist, that I meant something to you. That I meant something to someone. Sometimes I get sucked into sadness over my former love, but knowing that you all exist in my life, that you make me laugh and enjoy my company is what keeps me going. Life is a battlefield. Life is a blank canvas. Life is a mystery. Life is weird and I will be alright.

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Be purposeful to yourself. I've got too much love to feel down.