My boyfriend makes fun of me because I do not absorb the world in details but rather I "feel" it. His imitation of me goes something like this: "I don't remember anything about it but I do know how it makes me feel."
And this is often how I recount past memories or stories. Aside from this, I am also a person who feels my way forward, and often trusting my gut or the journey to get there as part of the process. Right now, I do not feel my way forward. Perhaps this is a feeling of contentment at the moment, but I would like to have a feeling forward or some goal to attain.
These thoughts arise when I visit California and try to "explain" what I do succinctly to people, making me realize that I have no idea what I'm doing and feel that it is really no different than their life in California.
California is just so California to me and Maryland is just so different. I am constantly and consistently a fish out of water in Baltimore. As I ebb and flow in defining what and where home is I can officially state that I am confused. My heart is becoming more of my home and I am slowly but surely growing into a new sense of self that feels better than before.
At times I do not feel good. Baltimore makes me uncomfortable and I am without many of my previous pillars. At the same time it offers me a chance to grow and to become a different better person. I do not want to forget my youth and I also most importantly don't want to forget my cultural identity and how it shapes me. As my identity is being reshaped in a new environment, it would likely benefit from reflection and understanding combined with an openness of learning.
It also stands that perhaps being myself instead of hiding would be wise as well.
5.6.16
24.2.16
Loss and sunshine.
Somewhere along the way over the course of the past year I lost myself and stopped writing in my blog. There were circumstances that I won't describe here in detail (because you know, the internet), but to sum it up I wasn't myself and it wasn't my fault - although I felt that it was at times.
The other day I described to my friend a sense of loss of my childhood. I had felt it present in the past 5 years or so, but today I would have to say that it's no longer really there and I'm okay with that. Perhaps loss is a strange word to use, but more so a sense of detachment or transformation.
Baltimore is an interesting city. I've grown to slowly love it, and it's still growing on me. However, I've seen less and less these days, but my love grows stronger and stronger as my three major prongs of life continue to grow: work, relationships, and health. Now that I'm older, I value those three things and put a lot of energy into them. Now I feel that I am in a good place with all three and I hope to keep that momentum going and building along. I sure did not feel that way in the past year especially when a few of those pillars were crumbling and not helping me stand (or rather I was not helping them stand).
I say this a lot but I cried almost every week in the past year despite having fallen in love with someone. Isn't it strange how life can be - this ebb and flow of things? And still my heart finds a way to strengthen and I find a way to shine.
I'd like to set my intention for the now and to not give a timeline to it. I'm not going to force it, I'm not going to worry about whether I'm doing enough. Just going to set my intention when I'd like to and not get too overwhelmed with the time of things. I think I've pushed myself to strive for something in the past 5 years or so, and the adventure, as old as this story sounds, was really what was valuable. I'm at where I want to be but not exactly, and that's alright.
**
I was thinking about trying to find my perfect job. And today I realized that it doesn't exist and you have to make it and create it. Albeit an environment is something that you may want to search for, but it is also what you put into it. Today was a good day where I felt that I put in some work and my thoughts and the output was quiet supportive. So perhaps instead of fixating on this crazy idealism of a "perfect" job, I can actually try to make my job as close as possible to this as I can and also envision what this means to me.
The other day I described to my friend a sense of loss of my childhood. I had felt it present in the past 5 years or so, but today I would have to say that it's no longer really there and I'm okay with that. Perhaps loss is a strange word to use, but more so a sense of detachment or transformation.
Baltimore is an interesting city. I've grown to slowly love it, and it's still growing on me. However, I've seen less and less these days, but my love grows stronger and stronger as my three major prongs of life continue to grow: work, relationships, and health. Now that I'm older, I value those three things and put a lot of energy into them. Now I feel that I am in a good place with all three and I hope to keep that momentum going and building along. I sure did not feel that way in the past year especially when a few of those pillars were crumbling and not helping me stand (or rather I was not helping them stand).
I say this a lot but I cried almost every week in the past year despite having fallen in love with someone. Isn't it strange how life can be - this ebb and flow of things? And still my heart finds a way to strengthen and I find a way to shine.
I'd like to set my intention for the now and to not give a timeline to it. I'm not going to force it, I'm not going to worry about whether I'm doing enough. Just going to set my intention when I'd like to and not get too overwhelmed with the time of things. I think I've pushed myself to strive for something in the past 5 years or so, and the adventure, as old as this story sounds, was really what was valuable. I'm at where I want to be but not exactly, and that's alright.
**
I was thinking about trying to find my perfect job. And today I realized that it doesn't exist and you have to make it and create it. Albeit an environment is something that you may want to search for, but it is also what you put into it. Today was a good day where I felt that I put in some work and my thoughts and the output was quiet supportive. So perhaps instead of fixating on this crazy idealism of a "perfect" job, I can actually try to make my job as close as possible to this as I can and also envision what this means to me.
