How I feel.

My boyfriend makes fun of me because I do not absorb the world in details but rather I "feel" it. His imitation of me goes something like this: "I don't remember anything about it but I do know how it makes me feel."

And this is often how I recount past memories or stories. Aside from this, I am also a person who feels my way forward, and often trusting my gut or the journey to get there as part of the process. Right now, I do not feel my way forward. Perhaps this is a feeling of contentment at the moment, but I would like to have a feeling forward or some goal to attain.

These thoughts arise when I visit California and try to "explain" what I do succinctly to people, making me realize that I have no idea what I'm doing and feel that it is really no different than their life in California.

California is just so California to me and Maryland is just so different. I am constantly and consistently a fish out of water in Baltimore. As I ebb and flow in defining what and where home is I can officially state that I am confused. My heart is becoming more of my home and I am slowly but surely growing into a new sense of self that feels better than before.

At times I do not feel good. Baltimore makes me uncomfortable and I am without many of my previous pillars. At the same time it offers me a chance to grow and to become a different better person. I do not want to forget my youth and I also most importantly don't want to forget my cultural identity and how it shapes me. As my identity is being reshaped in a new environment, it would likely benefit from reflection and understanding combined with an openness of learning.

It also stands that perhaps being myself instead of hiding would be wise as well.