Movies I recently watched and you should too!

There are a lot of I's in this entry.

I was going to write an entry about washed dreams and goodness, but for some reason never mustered the energy to complete it nor press the button to "publish post."

I for some reason was researching resource mobilization and fund raising strategy websites to get better at my work as the August date closes in. With exciting new changes and staff members the momentum has built with the development work of our organization and I'm really excited to learn from all the people that surround me.

I still have lots to learn. I realized that I don't really have the tools or knowledge to fully engage in my development officer role, and rely mostly on people pushing me to meet with donors, or written reports and grants.

I must speak with a louder voice. Literally and figuratively. I suppose my 4' 11" self can only muster a voice that people next to me can hardly hear. I wonder when that started to happen, I think my soft voice really took a turn when I first came to Vietnam.

I lost my voice and now it doesn't seem to exist. Especially since I had to learn a new language. I became voiceless.

The language of development I am just beginning to grasp. Didn't even realize it until now, but I didn't know the language nor do I know how to effectively utilize it to produce outputs of success and progress.

Thinking on my feet. That's what I need to do. Absorbing information, taking it in, processing it quickly, but then bringing it back out with measurable successes and goals. That is how most of the world works. I wonder if my creativity will get washed away from this. I used to think that you know. I felt that policy washed the creativity out of me. I felt that chemistry washed the creativity out of me. I felt that biology did as well.

But maybe I can make use of what is given to me and find creativity in that. Keep it alive. As it will probably always be inside me. If only I can connect art and creativity with the present but sometimes a sleepiness and reality over comes me. I wonder when the two will connect.

With the random turn of events, while researching development/fundraising strategy, I stumbled upon Taoist websites and liked the quotes I found:

"The soul is what we are."

"The spirit is a soul in motion."

"The ego is the sheepdog of our spirit."

"Open windows within life/ Discover your soul."

"In the end the best answer is no answer."

I don't have much to say about them, but interesting. Sometimes Taoism beliefs echo my own thoughts. I've always liked that.


---

Just write.

---


Sometimes, I realize that thinking about the future will get you no where, while day dreaming about the good things of the past will also only give you fleeting happiness. Present time rarely gets attention. There is no way to reflect on present time, nor to predict present time, so sometimes living in the present gets neglected. You can only live in the present. You cannot reflect nor predict the present. There is no way.

You know I used to be really smart. Like super straight A smart. I used to not know anything outside of being straight A smart. My life was what I was given, so in exchange I became the best with what I was given. I particularly went above and beyond in any type of project that required art. Since I wasn't allowed to go outside, I made the best of what I could inside, I made the best of what I could with what I had. Challenges were overcome. I cried a lot in the privacy of my bed. It was the only place I knew I could cry and no one would see. I was unhappy and sad that all I was good at was straight A smart. That was all I saw.

The bottom right hand pink drawer on the bottom of my bed is where I kept all the papers I ever had. I never threw paper away. Only if it was too small to be cut again. I accumulated a good amount after attending a printers convention with my dad. So many free samples of papers. All kinds of colors. Pink, green, pastels, neon ones, textured ones, christmas ones. All kinds. I kept them all.

The bottom right hand pink drawer on the bottom of my bed housed my creativity. I think it's still there actually. Stored away, warm I hope. If you open it today, I still have paper there. That drawer housed all my creativity. Now that I've left home, with no drawer, I think I feel a bit lost with my creativity. No longer contained in school assignments or birthday cards, my creativity was free to go wherever it wanted. It went somewhere alright. I just don't really know where it went.

I look forward to returning home.


---

subtle rain that falls on a soft bunny that has the tenacity of a phoenix

Tree of Life

From the first growth of the tree, many a limb and branch has decayed and dropped off; and these fallen branches of various sizes may represent those whole orders, families, and genera which have now no living representatives, and which are known to us only in a fossil state. As we here and there see a thin, straggling branch springing from a fork low down in a tree, and which by some chance has been favoured and is still alive on its summit, so we occasionally see an animal like the Ornithorhynchus (Platypus) or Lepidosiren (South American lungfish), which in some small degree connects by its affinities two large branches of life, and which has apparently been saved from fatal competition by having inhabited a protected station. As buds give rise by growth to fresh buds, and these, if vigorous, branch out and overtop on all sides many a feebler branch, so by generation I believe it has been with the great Tree of Life, which fills with its dead and broken branches the crust of the earth, and covers the surface with its ever-branching and beautiful ramifications.

– Charles Darwin, On the Origin of Species

I talked to my grandpa today.

He's always really happy to hear from me. Grandpa always is. He recounts his journey to New York for me, when I ask him where he put his photos. He talks a bit about flying on Air France to New York, and living in Straten Island with 7 children and my grandma. 

She wore two pants and two shirts. It was so cold. Everyone already started school. But then my friend invited me to see California. I went to long beach and ate crab. I was there for 15 days, and when I went back to New York I moved my whole family to California. I picked up the entire family when I went back and we hopped on the greyhound bus for three days.

“Keep, ancient lands, your storied pomp!” cries she

with silent lips. “Give me your tired, your poor,

Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,

The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.

Send these, the homeless, tempest-tost to me,

I lift my lamp beside the golden door!”

He mentions to me how he liked the poem that's written at the base of the Statue of Liberty. He said it in Vietnamese to me, it sounded more beautiful that way - something like "Let's give a home/refuge for those that seek it/ to the poor." Grandpa climbed all the steps to the top of her head. I said I did that too, but then he said back then there was no elevator. It was nerve racking, climbing those stairs.

I climb stairs. I climb stairs almost every day in my house in Long Xuyen. I never had stairs in my house growing up. When I was little I really wanted a two story house with stairs so bad. I don't know why. I suppose it was more so I wanted a perfect looking house just like on Full House. A one story house was not a perfect looking house.

"Mama, why didn't you buy a house with two stories? I really want one."

"You can't even keep a one story house clean, how are you going to clean a two story house?"

Inquiry curtailed.

I then wonder for a quick minute what would of happened if my mom stayed in New York. What would happen to me? What kind of person would I be? Then I realized that I wouldn't exist. Seeing that my dad was at the bus stop in California waiting for my mom.

"Yes your dad was waiting at the bus stop! Then shortly after they got married" Grandpa chuckled. And then the thought that a simple three day move to California was the reason why I exist in this world came to my mind.

My existence, based on many things of course, is seeped in migratory movements. Maybe that's why I was born to move and not be in one place.

My dad of course kept us moving, I mean I lived and grew up in southern California, but we saw a lot. We traveled a lot in a car.

Maybe that's why I find comfort in staring out of a window of a moving vehicle. I've been doing it all my life.

Now as I look into graduate schools, and my next "move" in life, I'm looking into schools in the East Coast, because that's where the top tiered public health schools with a strong global reach are. California for some reason isn't so appealing anymore.

My ten year old cousin James wanted to talk to me today. My grandpa babysits him. He cries "I am soooo bored." Sentences that I know very well. He proceeds to ask me about how I deactivated my account on facebook. I said that I had Jeffrey my brother change the password so that I can no longer sign on. "Ohh so you can't go on to play, facebook is boring these days."

He sounds a bit washed. It was as if it was more than just boredom that had overcome him. It was something else, a sense of sadness in his voice. Sleepy suburbia southern California does that too you. Your imagination can get lost among concrete and stiff houses. Red lights. Green lights. Strategically plotted plants. Closed doors. Trash comes every Sunday, nothing else different. Weather monotonous.

"Why don't you go to the library? Ask grandpa to take you to the library"

"No I don't have a library card"

"You know you can get comic books at the library"

"Really? Eh its okay, never mind I don't have a library card"

I wonder what he thinks that I do. I look forward to spending more time with him. I think it will be a lot of fun to teach him a few things about life. People can only learn what they know. He's at a pivotal age where his naiveness is still held within him and I don't want him to lose that to computer games.

James, front and center, Rebecca (James favorite cousin) and Nick (the cousin that likes to ask all the other cousin who their favorite cousin is) - This was on my birthday in 2009. I'm not sure why I have the same face in all the photos?

---

The other day someone asks me "What I want to do, and why I wanted to study for my GRE's" Having not been asked that yet by anyone, I was actually a bit taken a back and blurted something out about battling human trafficking through a public health lens.

"You gotta do law then. Get a law degree"

Interesting. Then I went into a famboozled state of mind because I hadn't thought about that yet. I talked to him about wanting access and power in order to really make change. I mean I am making change, but it doesn't come as easy nor is it "highly respected"

I'm not sure what I am aiming at, all I know is that I need access and power in order to really have control over where resources are allocated. After freaking out a bit, dreams slightly crushed I began talking to my friend Sally. I realize that even with some sort of assumed "power" - which many lawyers have, it may not be used effectively, nor will it necessarily mean you'll use it for good. 

At the end of the day, as my boss would begin her sentences with, we really just eat, sleep, and function. Human beings want to feel good about themselves. I think everyone is born with a certain amount of "goodness" in them. It can easily be washed away, stored, or reduced with a series of life events. Now whether one allows that goodness to ever flourish or surface again is also dependent on a series of life events. 

I've gotten to where I want to be by following my own path and not listening to others. My grandpa still loves me. Might as well keep going at it. 

The Strokes have a new album out, Angles

If you told me this information during my late high school days or freshman year of high school I would get very very excited. The Strokes was one of my last "wide eyed band obsessions" that I had. It's been a long time since then. Metric, The Morning Benders, and Fleet Foxes make the ranks but unfortunately don't capture it, maybe this is what happens with age.

The Strokes recently released their new album Angles near the end of March, but I tried to ignored it. I was really disappointed with their third album First Impressions of Earth (especially with the horrible video Juice Box - it was beyond what I could handle. You Only Live Once though is one of my favorite songs) Julian's attempt to be "different" was too much for me. I say Julian since he tends to be the master mind/control freak behind the albums. He recently came out with a solo too but I also have not given that a chance yet. 

I gave it a run through yesterday through. You can hear the entire album here. 

I was scared. I first listened to their first single "Under Cover of Darkness." Okay. Safe. It's alright.

Then I listened to the rest of it. It was different but not annoyingly different from First Impressions of Earth. Their inspiration had a little bit of elements of baby Strokes but then took elements from other albums, each song with its own appeal. Interesting. I am still a bit critical though....since pitchfork did a very extensive review of the Strokes for the last 10 years of their careers in build up for this album, revealing that the Strokes boys themselves didn't like the process of making this album. At around this time Julian was promoting his solo gig and recording for this album at the same time.

Valensi found the whole experience deeply dissatisfying. "I won't do the next album we make like this. No way. It was awful-- just awful. Working in a fractured way, not having a singer there. I'd show up certain days and do guitar takes by myself, just me and the engineer. Some of the third album was done that way, but at least we were on the same page about what the arrangements and parts were. Seventy-five percent of this album felt like it was done together and the rest of it was left hanging, like some of us were picking up the scraps and trying to finish a puzzle together."

"We're all learning to work on each other's songs and learning how to deal with emotional issues that come up in relation to the songs, when to let go and when to fight and compromise," says the guitarist. "I feel like we have a better album in us, and it's going to come out soon."

Julian: "I definitely think there will be a fifth Strokes album. I mean, I hope so."

Despite this negative reviews from the band themselves, I personally recommend: "Taken for a Fool" "Call Me Back" & "Life Is Simple in the Moonlight."

Critics like it too:

Angles is the best album the Strokes have made since Is This It because of the stylistic depth and progressive excitement in those crisscross guitars, the tightly wound rhythms and Casablancas' dry trademark croon. - Rolling Stones

It's a great album thrown together albeit probably with pressure from labels and their fans. At least they created something, and with that I can respect.

I first fell in love with them because no matter how many times you listen to their first two albums you can always find a new beat to fall for. I fell in love with them continuously and I loved them in a way that I could never love any other band. These boys will forever be know as my "favorite band" for influencing me and accompanying me through high school and early college days.

Like with any album it takes me a long time to warm up to it. Sometimes I listen to it a year or more later having found it laying around in my ipod. I'm still warming up to this album, but I can tell that I like it. 

Hong Kong, honey.

via my friend Ed.

Nokia - HK Honey from The Silentlights on Vimeo

This video really makes me miss Hong Kong (Also the British accent is quiet dreamy - "I'm a bee keepa"). It captures the city pretty well in under 4 minutes. I had spent a rather life changing 6 months there. My time in Hong Kong was absolutely wonderful, the city itself is enough to keep you company. I remember being lonely a few times, but found refuge with the tall buildings, sky scrapers, to the small rickety food stalls. They were lonely. And maybe it was something about that loneliness too that made me feel for the city. Contrary to the video, Hong Kong gets really quiet around 1 am. With no one around, the sounds echo and bounce at night against the hard concrete. Softening it. If you're quiet enough you may notice that the cement pulsates. It was as if they were speaking to me.

I sometimes wonder what Hong Kong was like before it's rapid economic development.

All this talk about honey reminds me of the Bohol, Philippines:

Random inspiration

Courtesy of one of my favorite image websites.

 

Hey ma, look I'm on tv.

I've made a few cameos on tv since my start here with my work, Pacific Links Foundation with their anti human trafficking project, ADAPT. For those that don't know already we combat human trafficking at the borders of Vietnam through grassroots efforts. This is a different way of learning about what my organization does. See if you can spot me in some.=)

CBS

PBS (Forward to 4:50 to get to my org!)

A video myself and a fellow volunteer put together for SF State. =)

Lastly, my thoughts on women's empowerment and my work. I wrote this in an email to someone today. It may be a bit out of context (you don't need to know), but the ideas that I wrote best summarize my thoughts on why I am here.

For me the work of PALS and ADAPT redefines the definition of women's empowerment to mean much more...

Scholarship, life skills and vocational training dive into the power that all women and girls are born with, the power that they already have in themselves. I think that the word "Empowerment" is a very powerful one, far from being "soft" and "general." One that derives from the idea that girls and women are innately strong and powerful. And while many organizations have maybe used that word, I think our 10 years of work redefines "empowerment" and shows what it's really about. Personally for me, living here for two years, seeing and meeting the faces of young girls and women of our programs I know they are very strong, very resilient. For trafficking returnees our work is more than "freeing themselves" from slavery per say, more so they need help in realizing what has and always been in them. ADAPT does helps girls and women realize the power inside them. We empower them. 

Also the definition of empowerment: "Empowerment is the process of increasing the capacity of individuals or groups to make choices and to transform those choices into desired actions and outcomes. Central to this process are actions which both build individual and collective assets, and improve the efficiency and fairness of the organizational and institutional context which govern the use of these assets."


---


Have you ever met someone who didn't believe in themselves? 
It's a very disheartening experience


Have you ever tried to make someone believe in themselves?
It's a very disheartening experience


Have you ever believed in someone, more so than they believed in themselves?

It's a very disheartening experience

but you can only do what you can
you should say what you can
because you don't know what kind of impact your words can have on a person if at all.
Silence will not, I know that for sure.

She laughed, and I lost my hearing.

Note: This blog is actually dated April 1st, 2011 but I hid it in the month of March so her other friends who were in on her joke couldn't find it. My clever self tricked Sally with her own trick. This is my first real attempt at an April's fools joke. I'm 23. I'm so bad ass.


Although it like 35.68% failed...I realized it wasn't so funny, but I felt rather great in the process. =) As a result I have a whole bunch of pictures of Sally on my blog.

Sally Kikuchi is a very good friend of mine. =) After rummaging through some old photos, I decided to capture our friendship here on my blog. 

So it started like this, this is me before I met Sally Kikuchi. Lost, confused, and a tad bit awkward, I had a difficult time making friends.

During this time, Sally Kikuchi also had a difficult time making friends for reasons I am unaware of.

Okay, okay I kid, we're actually both awesomely awkward people who like to laugh. See the excitement on her face due to the fact that we're friends? Yeah I know. She loves me.

Anyways, let's backtrack  well her Nikkei Student self was introduced to my REACH self by our friend Van. I am glad he is some use to our lives. (^_^)

I believe it was a blur of buying me a cookie to my first drunken night on her birthday to boba sproul chats on sproul, Sally Kikuchi became a really good friend of mine and has been one of the few people that are a constant presence in my life despite being so far away from me. Here is why sally is great:

She quiet photogenic:

She makes me laugh (and vice versa):

For some reason, lady gaga tends to be part of our conversations on gchat:

Sally: i forget

  do you like lady gaga?

14 minutes

1:13 AM me: she's cool i have no feelings really about her

  i like watching her videos

1:15 AM Sally: mmk

  im watching her 1 hour interview with google

1:16 AM and i like her

------------------------------------------------------------

me: ohhh kk

10:46 AM do you like lady gaga?

 Sally: yes

  :)

  i like her boldness

------------------------------------------------------------

Sally: hahaha it might

  dude kim watch lady gaga's new music video for telephone

  itt is crazy

  but i hecka love lady gaga

-----------------------------------------------------------

                  Sally: im listening to lady gaga before i go to bed haha

She tells these lame jokes, often repeatedly:

June 20, 2010 (on skype)

Sally: hey kim

  how does lady gaga like her meat?

RA RA RAAAAAW

June 22, 2010 (on gchat)

9:35 AM Sally: hey kim

  how does lady gaga like her meat?

 me: ah im glad you didnt tell me the punchline before the question

9:36 AM RA RA RAAAAAW

 Sally: HAHAHAHAHAHA

  man

 me: hahahhahahahaha

 Sally: did tika tell you?!

 me: tika forwded me the conversation

 Sally: aw man

 me: hahahha

  hahahhaa

  hhahaha

  omg

  sally

  plus

  you've told me this joke already

 Sally: that was such a fail

 me: what were you thinking??

9:37 AM Sally: WHAT?!?!?

  NO WAY

  when did i tell you this joke?!

  man

And now the last and final one, she tends to be pretty forgetful these days:

Sally: haha

11:12 PM so to get libby and jen for april fools

  i created a fake email account

  "Larry Hanpril"

 APRIL FOOLS' SALLY. Jokes on YOU. I hope your big head enjoys your date with Larry. I put in quite a few good words for you. HAHAHA.

When I get affirmation, I get happy.

I'm just being honest, frank, candid (gre word - I should really be studying). Every single like on facebook, comment, email, and other forms of affirmation are quite enjoyable to me! I think people forget or don't know that I live in rural/suburbia of Vietnam. My mama lived a portion of her life here.  I do spend quiet a bit of time on my blog and facebook, checking if anyone has affirmed my thoughts about life, although rare, comments on my blog are ever better because that means you took the extra time to click around. Thank you!

I know I talk trash sometimes about other forms of extreme affirmation, like people who are constantly twittering, facebooking, and texting.

I mean I can pretend to be hipster pretentious and not really care about what people think about me, be all vague about my life, but that's what this blog is for. but why would I be writing blogs? Blogs are some people's way of asking for a bit of attention about our lives. Nothing too bad. I don't really talk about my emotions to people, so in that way, I never really release the pent up experiences or feelings I have through spoken word. Only written word.

I have to be more audacious (gre word) in life.

And now onto the subject that got me blabbering at 1 am in the first place. So many people are liking it on facebook that I'm going to extend on it a bit more. I've grown a great deal being here, and also I've matured and become less fearful of things. There were many that doubted wether I would "last" in Vietnam.

Well IN YOUR FACE. TWO YEARS BIZNATCH. =) I never once doubted myself. I am a lot stronger than many people think I am. Like I said before in my life lessons that I've learned in Vietnam:

Our assumptions about people are always never complete.

being in vietnam for two years, anything "chaotic" doesn't even phase me anymore. lol:


oh, no electricity? whatever. let's go to a cafe. 
not following instructions? alright things will get done.
mouse in the kitchen? hi buddy. 
bugs in my rice? protein. 
hair in my food? oh. 
yelling angry staff? the sky is pink today. 
burnt out? put a bird on it. 
stupid people? who? 
spider or bat in the room? mosquito racket.
tired at work? I live on the third floor of work.
late for work? I live on the third floor of work.
forgot something at "home"? I live at work.
fallen off a motorbike? there's dust on your butt.
blocked facebook? there are blogs.
cockroach? If you get them to lie on their stomach their helpless.
pink eye? get medicine.
fever? lie down, sleep.
stomach hurts? what did I eat 10 hours ago? oh yeah. 
pimple? oh you ate something "hot"
thirsty? go get a smoothie for 50 cents.
hungry? go to the market.
the floor is wet? wear sandals.
no soap in restroom? there's water.
dropped food? 20 second rule.
people saying your fat? you look fatter too.
dirty ice? wash it.
broken laptop cover zipper? it can be fixed.
broken cellphone screen? it can be fixed.
stolen laptop in japan? japan is really small (actually quote from experience)










don't take life too seriously.do what you love. go with the flow. don't try to make things perfect all the time. do what you can. do what you can with what is in front of you. do what you can with what you are given. learn from those that are around you, don't wish that you were somewhere else. don't place the blame elsewhere when its in your hands. don't place the blame in your dreams. leave your dreams to be. don't make excuses for your fears. that's how they win. don't always wish for something that is not there. don't focus on things that are out of your hands.  focus with what is in front of you. don't worry too much.  worry about what is in front of you. worrying about the future won't get you anywhere. worrying in general won't get you anywhere. stress out a bit. its okay. stressing is normal. but get over it, since your stressing is wasting time.


the unexpectedly good will come.







gotta remind myself constantly to take my own advice.

Despite being 4'11" I love rocking out really hard at shows.

Or maybe you can call it dancing really hard. Although I couldn't handle the My Chemical Romance crowd my freshman year...I was toppled over by 15 people and elbowed and eventually shoved out of the crowd because I couldn't breath (lol good times). I also couldn't handle the annoying female fanatics roadies (fuck. you.) of the now mainstream Kings of Leon.

During highschool I really really really wanted to be a punk, but I was unfortunately the opposite of bad ass, so my attempts of wearing really tight jeans (before they were popular) with lots of black and white were undermined by my perfect attendance and straight A's.

I miss this part of my identity: the combination of  teen angst, early college days wannabe badassness. Now I'm into hipster folksie, mellow songs that make me feel like I'm running through green fields. Meh. Every now and then you need some screamers, these are some of my all time favorite "rock hard until your neck hurts the next day" songs:

and to end on a lighter, less ear aching note, here is one of my favorite songs of all time: