I'm gonna fight it.

This internal struggle of mine to want to settle down. In my head I feel an overwhelming sense of wanting to go back to California to settle down. To be in one place for a while, to build what I feel like I haven't built, a relationship in particular. Settling down is not real. It's imaginary. People who have settled down have convinced they have. I'll let you in on a secret (they have no idea and are not settled at all.) So why chase this preconceived notion of being settled down. I am fucking settled down. My heart is happy. I am doing what I want with this world. I am eating what I want and I have goals to still meet. Anti-thesis of settling down is living. This is not to negate the fact that for those that have followed the traditional "settling down" route of marriage and children are lesser, in fact, their path is to be celebrated along side mine. They demonstrate that love comes in different forms, that marriage can be one thing and raising the next generation another. I am also not against that totally and want that for myself but I am also not going to get caught up in feeling bad that I have not yet taking the traditional route sooner than others. 6 billion people on this earth - let's celebrate all the different aspects of life.

I snap back into it know that a move back to California will not ever return to this imagined settling down that I have envisioned for myself. In fact, California as I know it will not be like it was before. The bay area as I know it will not be like it before and if I can get over this fact and be content with my heart and where I am than I will be okay.

There was this quote I saw in the world wide web - if it doesn't feel wrong than it isn't right. If it doesn't feel uncomfortable than perhaps that's not what it is. Soon I will have my Master's degree. 26 is very different. 27 will be even more so. This looming pressure to accomplish when really I should celebrate what I already have as a 26 year old. I forget how old I am sometimes. As you progress age no longer matters.  Only 10 percent of the U.S. population has their Masters.

Anywho.

I keep so much inside me but somehow it leaks out and people see my colors. For some reason I have never done art in front of people but people I barely know assume that I am artsy and creative. I find that entertaining and am not sure how they come up with that conclusion but I am flattered that I can have that affect on people. I wonder what would happen if I was uninhibited with my emotions. Shit could potentially be colorful crazy if I let myself shine at all times. I wonder how it could look like to have my channeled innerness come to the surface at every point in contact I make with the physical world.

Life process.

Loose leaves.

I have this wonderful opportunity to start all over again and to build something new over here. I can rebuild and rebuild and it wears on me, but at the end of it all life is about building and growing. That's what makes you feel alive doesn't it? At least that's what makes me feel. If I did not face my fears and overcome them in this manner than what else is there to do than to go to work and retreat in the usual?

I know I'm seeing and feeling many things for the first time. The east coast is a different story and I have a feeling I'm suppose to stay here so I can see what lays ahead. My friend Lillian once told me (about Vietnam) "opportunities will pop up that you'll never imagine" and I've taken this to heart ever since and approach life in this manner. When I am most scared, I think of that possibility.

I also think about the time I jumped from a waterfall in Laos and how scared I felt. I was SO SCARED. But I had manage to get to the edge with the encouragement of an Australian man (who was rather handsome) whose spirit and kindness I will always remember. He didn't have to help me but he did and that meant the world to me. I really really wanted to jump. And imagine standing on the edge of a stunning light turquoise gushing waterfall having walked already on the edge, staring down at the abyss and massive unknown (having seen other taller people jump with no harm.) I didn't know what was below, in fact it could of been anything, but I wanted to jump so bad, but I was scared. So I held my breadth and just said FUCK IT after moments of hesitation because it was my decision: me, myself and I. Did it feel good? Absolutely.

I cannot imagine my future because I don't know what's really there. I can only take in what is in the present and move forward with what I have and the things that surround me.  I have to remember that. That this is what it is. This is it. There is not another time. At the same time there is balance - to not overwhelm yourself in thinking that now is the only time. Balance.

Gotta just keep believing.

Because that's all I have. That's really all we have.

At the end of the day when your mind drifts into a place where your mind and body are no longer in control and all that has accumulated in the days worth drifts into clear incoherent whispers of infinite possibility.

Heard this somewhere on the echoes of the world wide web.

Your heart gets broken several times before Friday even comes. And then you hate Fridays. You hate Fridays because you can't bear to be alone. But then Sunday comes again and you go on with the world of heart breaking and the healing that occurs over time.