I'm gonna fight it.

This internal struggle of mine to want to settle down. In my head I feel an overwhelming sense of wanting to go back to California to settle down. To be in one place for a while, to build what I feel like I haven't built, a relationship in particular. Settling down is not real. It's imaginary. People who have settled down have convinced they have. I'll let you in on a secret (they have no idea and are not settled at all.) So why chase this preconceived notion of being settled down. I am fucking settled down. My heart is happy. I am doing what I want with this world. I am eating what I want and I have goals to still meet. Anti-thesis of settling down is living. This is not to negate the fact that for those that have followed the traditional "settling down" route of marriage and children are lesser, in fact, their path is to be celebrated along side mine. They demonstrate that love comes in different forms, that marriage can be one thing and raising the next generation another. I am also not against that totally and want that for myself but I am also not going to get caught up in feeling bad that I have not yet taking the traditional route sooner than others. 6 billion people on this earth - let's celebrate all the different aspects of life.

I snap back into it know that a move back to California will not ever return to this imagined settling down that I have envisioned for myself. In fact, California as I know it will not be like it was before. The bay area as I know it will not be like it before and if I can get over this fact and be content with my heart and where I am than I will be okay.

There was this quote I saw in the world wide web - if it doesn't feel wrong than it isn't right. If it doesn't feel uncomfortable than perhaps that's not what it is. Soon I will have my Master's degree. 26 is very different. 27 will be even more so. This looming pressure to accomplish when really I should celebrate what I already have as a 26 year old. I forget how old I am sometimes. As you progress age no longer matters.  Only 10 percent of the U.S. population has their Masters.

Anywho.

I keep so much inside me but somehow it leaks out and people see my colors. For some reason I have never done art in front of people but people I barely know assume that I am artsy and creative. I find that entertaining and am not sure how they come up with that conclusion but I am flattered that I can have that affect on people. I wonder what would happen if I was uninhibited with my emotions. Shit could potentially be colorful crazy if I let myself shine at all times. I wonder how it could look like to have my channeled innerness come to the surface at every point in contact I make with the physical world.

Life process.