Nothing is wrong.

During rural home visits to the homes of young girls in Pacific Links Foundation scholarship program.

I had a chat on the bus with a friend of mine yesterday about this. It must of happened when I turned 25. Slowly but gradually, this looming pressure of being "an adult," getting married and having kids crept up on me. My big girl dreams of success and travel are no longer valid. Instead, I have a problem.

People are starting to get "worried" about you. 

Why would someone be "worried" about me. As if the path I have chosen in life is inherently wrong. It's very micro-aggressive.

"Why don't you get a husband so you can buy us all Christmas gifts?"

"Do you have a boyfriend?"

"Any changes? Do you have a boyfriend?"

"Even other 27 year olds like you have two children by now and you can't even cook chicken broth"

Ouch. I know this seems silly but that last one really hurt because it came from my mom. Someone who has a good head but once and a while but very rarely she will say something like that to me.

One time she followed me vintage shopping/exploring in Australia. I took them to a random neighborhood to this huge garage sale. She wanted to go with me. But throughout the whole thing she was grumpy about it. "What did Berkeley do to you? Making you like this kind of stuff..."

In my mind I'm like, "What are you really trying to say?"

Perhaps she was just like "This neighborhood is scary and I don't know where we are, we've traveled so far, and I am uncomfortable."

Instead she decided to bag on my world class education. Good one. The kind of education that people will die for and one that perhaps people all over the world dream of going to. Albeit Berkeley is the place where I came to love vintage things. But her argument was non-sequitor.

After that trip we also went to a flea market. She followed me to that as well. She bought a beanie and really liked it. She actually went back on her own to that flea market. I was proud of her. Alas lessons learned as you are near one another - a thought that I have been thinking about a lot as I decide my next steps in life. My mom is a good person with a good shoulders one whose calm. I can't stay mad at her for too long because ultimately her love for me is very strong and alas I am the way I am because of her. If she was even a bit more slightly nag-ish than I probably wouldn't live my life to the fullest as I have. She rarely says ridiculous things which is good because I am an anxious person to begin with, a person who plays by the rules, and likes to please people and keep them happy at the expense of my own.

Perhaps by saying that other women my age already have children - she had a couple of frustrations. I think 1. she misses me and 2. is uncomfortable with the fact that I am not sure where I am going with my life.

I've always never been the type of person to follow traditional pathways. When I was young I've always deflected my mom's comments like, "What kind of girl are you to not be able to clean" with my "THIS IS AMERICA, MAMA" speech. I'm awkward as fuck. I didn't get my first boyfriend until 21. I didn't really fall in love until 25. I'm slow and I get it. I have issues with opening up quickly and am pretty insecure. I take my time and pressuring me is no way good. In fact, I'll probably be more inclined to do the opposite.

I want to fall in love. Don't get me wrong. But it's the invalidation of my "self" that bothers me. It's as if attending two top institutions in the world coming from a refugee family that doesn't really speak English really well is not enough. And even then you don't have to come from a top institution to be "enough."

I am not enough, folks.

The world is always telling me that I am not enough. This super educated, smart, creative happy person.

So what does this mean when we tell women and girls that we know. You are not enough until you have a man in your life to "take care of you." What does this mean when we tell rural, migrant, refugee, women and girls who have less economic opportunities. You are not enough. And until we learn to stop telling women and girls they are "not enough" than perhaps the world will be less of a place for us to thrive for all.

I had a divorcee tell me that once. The contradiction in her sentence born perhaps out of bitterness of what she doesn't have and what society has deflected upon her in her lifetime. Instead on her focus of being such a badass strong woman for raising two kids she focuses on the negative and inflicts it on the nearest target - me. Perhaps she was told that she was not enough one too many times and continues to be looked upon as "sad" because she doesn't have a complete unit.

Well world, fuck your complete unit.

Nothing is wrong with you. Nothing is wrong with me - in fact, I'm great and I believe in myself and my journey. My journey is mine and no one can ever take that away from me. I'm a good person. I'm sorry, world, you tried beating me down but my spirit is too high to do so. To take it a step way back, I was the egg that survived and made it. Watcha going to do about that. (Also, this would be a side rant, but there is a war against girls in the womb with selective abortion) World, you tried breaking my heart, you tried to tell me that I could not amount to anything, you threw me curveballs left and right and I continue to survive, I continue to thrive.

Nothing is wrong.

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“You will never be completely at home again, because part of your heart will always be elsewhere. That is the price you pay for the richness of loving and knowing people in more than one place.”

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