Thoughts on a Sunday: Fuck being sad.

And those are my post waking thoughts as my eyes meet the sunrise. Initially, my brain thinks about him, school and other stressors. Then I pounce up and say fuck this shit and start about my day breathing and living. Happier that I am healthier than I was 24 hours ago.

I'm really absolutely ridiculous. I don't know why I take myself so seriously nor do I fully understand why my stress and anxious levels are up the wazoo.


Actually, I take that back, I partially do.

When there are many things thrown at me at once, I tend to crumble into the black abyss of mopiness. Its happen to me throughout my lifetime. I wouldn't call it depression because it isn't. Depression is different. Depression is not something that goes away. I just get mopey and sad about life as any human being would. Usually staying in on Friday and Saturday nights will do it for me. This reminds me that I must incorporate fun into my schedule. I think I've done a good job of it last semester. I would make the time, go out, and not study so hard. I wouldn't give up my social life for studying and it worked out swimmingly. After all there is so much studying that one can really do. I received decent grades at the end of it all with a few A's sprinkled in. There is so much studying one can do. It's a balance between knowing what you have to do to get things done, balancing yourself, and focusing when you need to. Hourly scheduling helped me lots last semester. Saving my Fridays and weekends for social things really helped me. For a girl whose traveled thousands of miles, crossed muddy walkways, crumbled roads, stick bridges, whose gone to the best universities, who wanders around the world, who colors her hair blue, you'd be surprised at how fucking scared I am of everything on a daily basis.

I'm surprised that I still harbor fears of rejection, not doing well, and just general fears as well. Fears of exposure, this wall that builds around you, fears of not being accepted. Those are my fears and they consume me at times. Relationships are difficult for me because they force me to face lifelong fears. I felt it in the previous one pretty hard. I feel that wall that surrounds me and it silences me unable to really expose that inner self of who I am to that person out of who knows what. I felt it many times during my previous relationship, I was holding back and there was something deeper about it but I didn't want to go there. And I think for me to overcome somethings in my life I will probably have to go to that place that I don't want to go and reach deep down inside to let it out. I'm not too sure what it is. I'm being really vague because I honestly don't know what it is. It sorta feels like a cat caught your tongue sorta feeling. This internal push and pull that occurs when something doesn't freely flow. When a bird doesn't fly.

Perhaps I should think of my next lover as my blog. A person to which I can express myself freely and not feel judgement. That's a good way to strangely put it. If I could express myself to a person as I do here perhaps he will be it. I laugh because this is ridiculous but really true at the same time.

I told him to read my blog many times. I don't think he ever did actually.

Actually, fuck lovers, perhaps I should think of my whole world as my blog. A world where I can express myself freely and not feel judgement. This will take some time.

Fascinated with the idea, but not the person.

UUHHHH!!!

I'm so tired of coughing. It has returned. Try going through 8 hours of lecture with an itching cough that won't stop. I coughed during my trip. I cough during class. I cough through the night. I cough everywhere and it's difficult to function.

Fuck.

This is my blog and I'll cry if I want to.

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On a lighter note I started a job as a research assistant and I'm really loving the opportunity. It is so nuanced, connected, great people and I'm really excited to start it. Out of everything this is what I look forward to doing - getting my hands dirty with literature review.  I will be helping with the Key Populations Project at the Center for Health and Human Rights they conduct research with HIV issues among MSM, Sex Workers and Injection Users.

Lots of things are happening and moving fast. At the same time my illness is putting a pause to it. It's interesting when life moves quickly around you but when you are not physically able or your energy is super low then it becomes exceedingly difficult. Health is so important in life. When you don't have it - you can't live it as you used to. Today I canceled on a friend because I couldn't stop coughing and thought my body needed a break. This sucks. I'm trying to keep my head up but at some point I can't help but feel I may fall and break down. Trying to avoid that or perhaps I am in denial and it has/is already happening. Maybe this is what life is. This up and down roller coaster. This is what life is. Trial after trial which is what brings flavor to life.

Lately, I've been staring at facebook and getting depressed at how great everyone's life is. Then I realize that facebook is stupid. The other day I went to see Nick Offerman perform at a theatre. (It's Ron Swanson from Parks and Rec for those that don't know.) He went on a few rants, or rather his entire performance was a rant with his chuckle that he only does when his character is excited about something. One of his rants was how he was addicted to his phone and how stupid that was. It's stupid and I don't know how to step away from it sometimes. Sometimes I just put my phone away.

I want to feel energy and happiness! I think this school and money stress is starting to get to me and I need to find ways to balance stress, energy and my happiness. Perhaps it is because there are so many things occurring at once, so many people to connect to, that I don't have time to process it all. The support is there. The smiles and hugs. The people. Just need to reach out and be open.

Enjoy the simple things.

Warming up back to life.

I was pretty much falling apart by the end of summer term. My ankle was sprained, my heart was broken, and I was terribly sick. 10 days later, I've traveled over hundreds of miles, flew on a plane, rode on a bus, hopped on a subway, and went on car rides. I won't say that I am completely over it, but time has a way of helping you forget. There is only so much that our minds can store. Let's choose the good memories.

You know that moment when you feel really stupid?

And your ex boyfriend gets a new girlfriend in what seems to be a short time period and you have no idea why you feel stupid and heartbroken but you do?

Bluntly speaking. What a blow to my week. It's human nature, to feel hurt and sad. My friend says "that's what single people tend to do" At the same time it's not that simple and I know I'm being dramatic, but the complete obliteration of my existence from his memory is what makes me even sadder. I'm being dumb, I know. I'm not obliterated from his memory. I can't really know for sure, but for the fabric of his life, I probably made some sort of manageable dent in it.  I was never really the one to be in a relationship so they come few and far and this one had an effect on me because I whole heartedly trusted him (this is a big deal).  Although I have physically relocated, I admittedly think about him daily perhaps because I am holding onto the memory of things. I hope that he is in a good place - I must be present and I know that I must move on because that's what this was all for. 

You know that scene in Garden State where they scream their lungs out at the infinite abyss. I need that.

It feels to matter, it matters to feel. The reason why people are a mess most of the time is because they want to matter, they want to be purposeful - sometimes this comes in the form of feeling purposeful to someone else. This reaches beyond romantic relationships but also any other kinds.

Deep down inside, I must remember that he let me go for a reason and I didn't fight back for a reason. But then things started to hurt and I didn't expect that. I heard it in his voice one of those nights, in a shortened version I believe he told me he didn't want to hold me back. And for that I can't expect to hold him back either. One of the things that is always in the back of my mind is that I had told myself a few years ago, I would live in LA for a bit to never go back. I still feel that way although LA tried to change that. It tried to give me a serious relationship, tried to make me settle, gave me people that I miss dearly, and allowed me to have a life there. But I felt life calling me forward to what I believe to be my purpose and I must follow that.

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One of my favorite authors in the world is Bill Bryson. My friend Linh from Des Moines, Iowa let me borrow his book after I started reading it when she left it on the counter. She let me have it actually because I had spilled a whole bunch of food on it because I couldn't put it down even while eating. She told me she's usually really anal with borrowed books, bothered by folded corners and such, but she said that she knew I was so into it due to all the food stains on it so she let me have the book. He writes about traveling through life and the things he sees. He captures it so beautifully especially through the eyes of a young boy traveling with a quirky family. At its core the book is about love and wander and it captures that naiveness of trying to understand the world so well. I'm really excited to visit the midwest, both Madison and Chicago in the coming weeks. I play on visiting museums, eating cheese and chatting up with people and visiting my favorite friends. I plan on laughing, on hugging, seeing new things, shapes and patterns and doing what I LOVE doing most - staring off into the sweeping scenes of life as it passes me by.

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In the last few days, people have been popping into my life and checking in on me. They have been calling me, writing me emails, and asking me for my address so they can send me things. For that I am forever grateful. Thank you for taking your time to tell me that I exist, that I meant something to you. That I meant something to someone. Sometimes I get sucked into sadness over my former love, but knowing that you all exist in my life, that you make me laugh and enjoy my company is what keeps me going. Life is a battlefield. Life is a blank canvas. Life is a mystery. Life is weird and I will be alright.

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Be purposeful to yourself. I've got too much love to feel down.

And I write because I have lots of pent up energy and it's Friday and I have no idea why I went home early.

Lining the hallways of my university there are photos from all over the world. My school is really renown for its international work and it is one of the sole reasons I chose Hopkins over other programs. I am in love with the hallways and enjoy walking through them. The photos, the departments, the history of the building and the school. The school is known for the eradication of smallpox and so much more. A few years ago, I never imagined myself to be in such a prestigious university, so lucky to be surrounded by the most amazing people who can heal and help people with their hands and knowledge. In the midst of running around from lectures, to lunch, to studying - the photos provide a nice break and reminder of why I'm spending so much of my resources to attend this school. There are photos of children. Photos of adults. Photos from Africa. Photos from other countries I have never been to but want to.

And then, there was this photo of a woman, clearly from Vietnam, with her conical hat squatting and rowing a boat. Her eyes facing the photographer. I passed by it for only a second, but it quickly flashed back a flood of memories of the brilliant girls of a scholarship program who would lead me to their homes during program home visits through the mekong channels in the exact same fashion. The same girls who inspire me to go back to school so I can better figure out ways to improve their lives. It was such a strong feeling. It was a strange one, one mixed with longing and nostalgia all together. I miss them, I miss that work, and most importantly, I miss being out of my element - in an element of awe.

You see, sitting on the boat with the girls who would row me to their homes, I had never before experienced that. If events had been different, if there was no war, and nothing else, that might of been my life, but it wasn't. So me being on a rowboat is quite the event. First of all, it reminded me of how different I was. It's extremely difficult to squat in that boat, let alone a row boat. I remember squatting, wearing a huge helmet, holding all my papers and interview sheets, staring at my converses, amused by the green squash underneath me, hoping for my dear life that I wouldn't fall into the water. And the girl, she does this every day. Her balance is impeccable. Her smile even more so. And while it may seem that the world and all its ugly forces are against her - poverty, hunger, and inequality - at that moment I realize she knows so much more than me, she's guiding me and feeding my soul in ways that I could never thought possible.

I think about the green rice paddies a lot. I don't think anyone really understands the calming effect of green rice paddies. I'm not sure what it really is, perhaps its the color, the breeze that floats above them, but the rice paddies I am in love with.

Sometimes I find it hard to be at Hopkins because I start missing people who were in my life but then aren't due to distance and some other complicated matters. I miss them and the comfort and warmth they gave me and then I get sad because I feel miserable from studying so much. Prolonged exposure to wracking my brain around environmental toxins, population dynamics and epidemiologic methods tends to do that to me. I think about things that I want but can't have at the moment. And while I'm writing this I remember why I'm here, I remember that my gut is all I have. I clear my head a bit, and I realize that my gut feeling is always right. That to life there is no wrong answer.

My favorite things in the world have nothing to do with the things I stress about on the daily. I realize that my need to control things is probably having an effect on me and my life is all about a balance of those things that make me anxious and of the things that make me happy. Of the things that make me happy are not even in my life but are still things I fondly remember - cartoon newspapers on sunday, rice paddies, the mekong delta waters, the simple moments in life when you're not stressing out about things. When you're just living and letting it be. When everything is okay and you are not super conscious of things. When people's laughter at your comments warms your heart. When you're mistakes are funny to people. I constantly have a difficult time trying to be social and being safe - and those two things conflict with one another. I regret things, I think about things a lot, wish I had more friends and made friends easily, I make mistakes but am too ashamed and proud to admit it.

After a lifetime of controlling my image and who I am, I feel like I'm starting to forget who I was and the feelings that are true to who I am. I've suppressed it so much over the years that I forgot about that one time when I was little I had a crush on a person for two whole years and didn't tell him until I had to. For the most part, I ALWAYS want to be your friend. I also enjoy awkward, kind people and wish I stood up for people more. I also wished I called out people. If they're shitty and stupid - than I'm probably right. And I wish first impressions aren't everything because I'm not so good at it. This year I want to be more connected to myself and my feelings and to validate them for what they are at the moment instead of worrying about what others think about me. This is going to be extremely difficult - but hey, what isn't.

I hope my heart settles down a bit.

It's been through a lot in the past few months and sometimes it beats funky.

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Despite doing rather poorly on recent exams, I'm incredibly happy to be here. Hopefully everything (including my grades) will be OKAY. I sometimes get sad when the dust settles, but in the scheme of it all I'm happy to be in this amazing place with amazing people with amazing opportunities. It's pushing me in the way I like it. Life's a bit more colorful that way.

Whew.

Channeling the good vibes of the spirits of who knows what...that everything will be okay...that I am here for a reason and that I listened to my heart despite all the nonsense and tugs it put me through.