I've got a feeling that we're not in Vietnam anymore.

I suppose I can prolong the end of this blog by accumulating more half written blog entries and publishing haphazard postings about my life in Los Angeles. I suppose I wanted to go out with a bang. A celebration of sorts to end my volunteer abroad experience. However, as a great procrastinator and hoarder of memories, ends are hard to come by.

My draft box consists of entries that attempt to "tie" everything together - so that you, the reader, can stop reading this part of my life with a sense of "this part of Kim's life is complete"or "Kim has found herself!" or "Kim is so cool" (life goal) but you know what, after months of complete denial - I am lost as fuck.

Perhaps, I never really found myself in Vietnam. It was more of, I became extremely comfortable in Vietnam. I had my community, air conditioning, got my work down, and had made really strong friendships that will be with me always, like a bear whose found a good cave, I was in dream like hibernation.

With the sudden realization that I am now way way over the mekong both literally and figuratively - it is time for me to wake up, to explore, and learn more about Los Angeles and southern California. It's a unique city, deep down in the midst of my whining and complaints, I know I have a very huge opportunity in front of me.

Although the sun beats, there is something new to discover each day. 


I will be writing at a new blog called heartbeat yellows which can be found here.

Heartbeat yellows not only because all I do in L.A. is run yellow lights (so badass) - but I feel like I am at the point in my life where I want to take embarrassing risks, be really true to myself, and run those yellows and not look back.

I like this so much - I have to post it.

1. Make Eye Contact
I cannot stress enough how important I feel it is to look someone in the eye. Everyone. From your loved ones to store clerks & bank tellers. Treat everyone like your equal. I also find eye contact immensely attractive. It shows you’re assured & open & I dig that.

2. Remember Facts About Other People
This ties into ‘be a good listener’ which I think everyone loves in a person. I also feel it’s important to remember the anecdotes & facts people tell you. I’m not talking just birthdays & phone numbers. When someone remembers that I take my coffee black or that I once had a cat named Killer, I know they’re a good person. I know sometimes it feels this way, but not everyone is talking just to hear the sound of their own voice, sometimes people are trying to connect. Find those people & connect.

3. Have Individuality & Confidence In Dress
I like when a person looks comfortable in their own skin. I don’t care if you dress conservative or eccentric, so long as it expresses who you are as a person & you look like you chose your look because it makes you happy & not because it’s what is expected.  

4. Love What You Love
SB & I went on a rant about this the other day & I kept shouting “LOVE WHAT YOU LOVE!” It is my new life motto. I loathe when people automatically reject something because they think it would be lame to like that something. I would much rather someone vehemently hate something I love for their own personal reasons than agree with me because they think they’re supposed to. No more guilty pleasures. Love what you love without shame.

5. SHOW ENTHUSIASM!
Everyone I truly love sometimes gets so overwhelmed by their excitement that they start shouting or typing in CRAZY CAPS. I adore this trait. I spent most of my early 20s acting like I was too cool to get excited about something unless I was drunk. That’s silly. Giggle, clap, jump up & down. True honest enthusiasm is endearing & infectious.  

6. Be Willing To Change
No matter what convictions you have now, accept that life is change. You will change, your circumstances will change, roll with it. Allow yourself to grow & evolve. Don’t stick stubbornly to a belief or idea just because it’s something you believe now. If it’s meant to stick, it’ll stick on it’s own. Just be willing to change. Keep this motto that Cher recites in Mermaids close to your heart:Life is change. Death is living in the past or staying in one place too long.

7. Accept That Other People Are Better Than You
Do what you love, even if you’re not the best. This is difficult for alphas to accept. I’ve given up many a project because I wasn’t instantly awesome at the task. Keep trying, improve & accept that doing what you love is just that; it’s not being the best, it’s being fulfilled. That being said, if you really truly suck at something, & sometimes you will, maybe give it up & try something else. 

8. Be Spontaneously Affectionate
Tell people you love that you love them, but also show them that you love them. Hug, hold hands, link arms. When a friend overwhelms you with their adorableness, tell them. Respect that some people don’t respond well to physical affection & find other ways to let them know they’re loved. Do all this freely, generously, often.

9. Stick Up For Yourself
Just as you should question your convictions, you should also be skilled at defending them. Don’t let anyone talk you out of something you truly believe. Respect their differing opinion, listen, absorb, but don’t sacrifice your opinions to appease another. I would also add that you should pick your debates, don’t vehemently argue every difference. Sometimes it’s fine to let someone go on about something you disagree with. You’ll learn a differing view & maybe it’s not worth the effort to dispute their opinion.

10. Love Yourself Best
This sounds selfish, but it’s not. Remember what RuPaul says: If you can’t love yourself, how the hell you gonna love somebody else? Love others, give yourself to others, trust others, but remember that you have to love yourself best so you can give well to the people in your life. Have fun with yourself, enjoy your own company, challenge & be proud of yourself.

via Bo

My dreams wrestle with the air of doubt.

The wind brings in the heaving madness of what once, was.  She listens. She tries to feel but there is something about the air that keeps her from doing so. The buzzing horizon blurs as it sets behind the tired leaves of autumn. 

Every morning the muted sunshine gently whispers and asks if he can help me rise to the occasion. He tickles my dreams and impatiently waits for me to awake. Sometimes I purposely ignore him, so I can feel his warmth linger - waiting in eagerness. Seconds seemingly suspended, time asleep, and drowsiness overcomes. He waits.

Thoughts enter. They rise, but never surface. Instead, schedules, tasks, and calendars take over. I forget the possibilities of occasions and I retreat in the unfortunate comforts of  routine. Is it really comfort I am finding myself in?

The tired leaves fall, unable to hold on to what once, was. 

---

Why does my heart break when I think someone is not listening to me? When someone is ignoring me? Why does my heart drop when I think I am not liked? Why do I think that? What is it about the vulnerabilities of the human condition that inhibit people from reaching their potential? What drives you? What motivates one to live fully and whole heartily?

---

Have you ever stared at hopelessness in the face? Have it cry to you? Have it reveal itself to you? It's something that will stay with me always no matter how much I try to forget.

On another note - I live in L.A. it's a big city. A wandering lost city. A city that doesn't quite know itself. It's as if the city is overwhelmed and the people try to deal with it by thinking that life in this city is normal. They sit in their cars. Eat at restaurants. Listen to music on their headphones. They try. I try to think that my life is normal. I try to play it normal but perhaps I cannot hold it in much longer. I don't think I can and haven't really been able to but that is life. Life is life. This is it.

It will have difficulties if you let it, and I am letting it be. I am having difficulties and being honest with it. No one can really help me. But I'm not seeking help. I'm seeking support I suppose, but not support like "help me get over this transition" Not that way. I don't need that kind of support. I need the kind of support that reminds me of who I am. There's a difference. From old friends and new. To stay true to myself. How do I stay true to myself when everything about myself feels like they may be in another place?

Transport yourself. Transport your dreams, your hopes, your experiences. Transport them. Share them with others, make them real, and be honest with them. Don't ignore them, don't invalidate them, share them. Say what is on your mind and speak it. I'm really tired of people not knowing who I am or what I've experienced. I suppose I miss that. I miss people who just...get me and know me.

Alright, I whined enough. I'll probably keep whining but I have the right to whine.

---

Let the sun SHINE.

Fear.

How unfortunate fear is. It stops me from doing things. It stops me from believing in myself. It stops me from being how I truly am or rather who I can truly be.

Fear.

It's such a strange arbitrary idea, fear. It's something that is so intrinsically part of our lives that we think about it all the time. I think about it all the time. I wonder why it is so apart of my life.

How it controls.

Some people say that I think too much - or rather in the words of a boy "you're different from other girls...you...think" Thank you for that observation my friend.Unfortunately the truth is everyone thinks. Everyone feels. Everyone has fears. And I write to overcome my fears. To think and to process.

Sometimes I wish that I had moments where people existed in swirly non-physical form. I suppose this is what love feels like, when suddenly the physical no longer matters.

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I live the life of dreams.

The core of who I am is difficult to retain,

just like the shadows that distance themselves from the living. I have been having a very difficult time remembering who I am.

"I do not want to forget" I told myself. I told myself this again and again and again. I told myself this as I was saying goodbye. I told myself this as I was getting on the plane. I told myself this as I was traversing across oceans. I told myself this as I was staring out the split sight of blinds. I told myself this as I looked at unnatural palm trees. I told myself this as I became familiar with the freeways, the cars, and the grind. I told myself this as the laughter of relatives became constant. I told myself this as my shoulder gave in to the typing the hunching the waiting the dreading the dragging the sadness. I told myself this because I was naive. I was naive to think that if I said it enough times it would become true and stay true.

/ nothing gold will stay.

Retreating in my fears, I found myself not writing, not really knowing what to feel, hoping that this would pass.  It was one thing to find myself in Vietnam, but it is another to lose yourself in America. "I do not want to forget." I held onto it. I held onto the shifting grasps of lives in the Mekong Delta, the kind of lives that will test your ability to absorb sadness, dreams and frustration all at once. It's the kind that will remain with me always, stirring underneath my new thoughts and worries in this cemented dream of mine.