Transforming negative energy into positive energy is very difficult.

Negative energy can really pull you down and chip away at a foundation you thought you had rebuilt. It brings you to a position of helplessness and your efforts seem to lay to waste. Then there is the feeling of being unsupported, because when you are in the position of helplessness you look for a hand or someone more sound to reach out to you and say "It's okay, I understand where you are coming from" but you can't always have someone to help you.

This is where I find my strength from. My ability I think to face uncomfortable difficult situations for myself. This doesn't mean that I don't plummet into hours of watching the office to laugh and forgot about the negative energy that has arisen. (I love Pam, Jim, Michael and Dwight so much btw).

I was once really upset when a friend said to me that she thought I couldn't make it past 6 months in Long Xuyen. That I was incapable of doing so. This statement came to a surprise to me because I've always thought of myself as a strong, independent person who is capable of doing things if I put my mind to it. Maybe I had made it all up, my strength. 

Yet, I came to Long Xuyen fearless, then I became helpless and fearful. I couldn't ride a bike. I couldn't speak Vietnamese. I couldn't go out on my own.

I had become a very fearful person where before I rarely rely on people for emotional support (and have now started to realizing that I can't really do everything on my own) Yes I have fears, but I guess I  emitted such energy and character that really I was just upset at myself. For me, strength was an internal thing, I was not emitting it externally, conveying it to others. 

Time to convey my strengths to others.

Reality check: this is where I live.

p.s.

For some reason I've been unconsciously typing the word "don't" when my mind wanders as I type today. It might be a sign about something.

current state: plain ol' burnt out.