Trying to turn on my brain on.

Sometimes I forget that I graduated from a 4 year University. I also forget that I used to be really "smart" in high school, so much so that I was ranked #2. I feel normal and most of the time I feel stupid compared to the other brilliants in the world. I tend to be more quiet so for the most part no one knows what the fuck I'm thinking. I'm not really competitive. Not really argumentative. I wander rather than banter.

In a group of friends.
Poverty no longer exists!
I beg to differ, if we look at the statistics (insert academic statistic that friend wrote in a paper)
What do you think Kim?
What?

What's really going on in my head: Sweeping generalizations and your singular comments about poverty will not reduce it. So immediately I zone out. In fact I'm pretty good at labeling a conversation useless before it starts. Usually it begins whether I feel like the person will listen to me. Sadly, 90% of the time this is not true, the person I talk to never truly listens to me, here are some examples:

Me: I think when you go outside of the city you learn much more from the people, you connect more.
Idiot: I do connect to the people!
Me: Really?
Idiot: I talk to the lady that sells me bread in the backpackers district everyday!

Me: I live in Long Xuyen, 5 hours away.
Someone: Why would you do that to yourself?

Baby steps. I realize maybe people are just scared to be wrong. Some are quick to judge. Like me, they are scared of being stupid. Some are less inhibited and talk their ass off.

---

The limitations of my vocabulary and poor spelling skills (damn you auto correct) sometimes scares me. My rather sad GRE score also scares me, but for the first time I will be saying "fuck it" to my score and I'm just going to apply. I'm usually not this carefree when it comes to academics but for the first time I think I am becoming that and it's quiet nice. I'm slowly realizing that I should not care where I get into because I am now very good at finding the best out of the situation (I lived in small town Vietnam for two years and loved that experience). It's about the people.

I've been grappling with thoughts of how to take my rich deep experiences in Vietnam and translate it into my career in America. The other day I talk to my mom's childhood friend who asked me this question in a honest genuine way (she has a daughter in Australia):

In Vietnamese:
Do you regret that you stayed here for two years? Like do you think you wasted your time?
Definitely not. I've learned a new language, met so many people, have friends from all over the states now. I wanted to come here to understand my parent's culture.

I personally can answer that question with conviction. I've never been so sure of an answer in my life. In college, high school and sometimes in my childhood life I would get really sad sometimes. This really aching sense of loneliness would overcome me and I would just be sad. I never told anyone but people would find me crying sometimes, my aunt, my friends. Sometimes people wouldn't find me crying but I was right in front of them. I couldn't see the beauty of the people and things that surrounded me. But here in Vietnam I never cried over that type of sadness. It's different here. Me being alone here is much different than the states. I never felt that sadness.  I am content with what is in front of me. I am surprisingly very happy with my life. I am excited for the adventures to come, the reconnections I will make and also the new friends that will come into my life. Vietnam has made me happy. It has given me a warmth and familiarity that I've been seeking all my life. It has given me a piece of mind. It has allowed me to not only put together faded memories but also build new ones that are connected with that.

I know the exact bridge that my uncle fell off of as a kid. I know that he thinks my mom really disconnected from the family once she got married. I know that my dad is a really great father.  I know my mom is a social butterfly with all her friends loving her. She's a dedicated friend, a great logistics planner and an incredibly smart woman who navigated America with such tenacity that I am unsure if I could do what she did if I were in her place. I learned that I am more like my parent's that I could of ever imagined. I learned that their sense of adventure is instilled within me. I learned that I may be more Vietnamese than my parent's now. I learned that my family is a fantastic normally dysfunctional family. I learned that each of my aunts and uncles really love me. I learned that my grandpa really loves me. I learned that people can be extremely giving.

My optometrist uncle once told me that the happiest time of his life was college. It's unfortunate that his happiness is encapsulated in just four years of his youth. I hope that my happiness permeates throughout my lifetime.

---

Oh hey I recently turned 24. Probably one of my best birthdays because well I'm finally content. Content with what is in front of me. Once I figured that out, everything just suddenly seems to be delightful.