I broke the front door of my house.

And I was trapped. My dad doesn't think that we need to buy a new one, we just need to deal with the old one. This is how my brother and I are able to go to college, our family just doesn't spend money. I don't think people really understand how frugal we are. Extremely frugal. I will tell you in person how frugal we are, but let's just say that my mom has coupons for coupons, I don't ever ever EVER pay regular price for any of my items, and don't have cable, home phone service, and internet at home. Hence the lack of blogging.

As a result, I watch a lot of tv and clean the house a lot. The office comes on at 6 pm to 7 pm on channel 13 to my extreme delight and tonight is a new episode! TV. I didn't watch tv for two years in Vietnam and I come back here and that's almost all that I do. I'm slowly learning to turn it off though since my return from Canada this past Sunday, slowly getting into the hang of things and trying to start tackling my to - do list. Unfortunately I don't know where I put this to do list. Scribbled somewhere, this to-do list is lost in the abyss of whatever not.

Whatever.

Will have internet installed into my house soon. For now you can find me prowling Starbucks sprinkled across southern california.

If you don't recall this post about me crying in public I am currently going through that - I don't think culture shock is the correct word, but more so as Alice Walker puts it "overcoming speechlessness"

Lot's of stories swirling inside me...not sure what to do with them...not sure. Anyways thanks for your patience as I navigate freeways, prowl grocery markets rather confusingly, and nestle in coffee shops.

It's my time to shine.

My roomie from college Tika, who is in Berkeley, sent me a few quotes that reminded her of me:

“To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all.” 

“The pure and simple truth is rarely pure and never simple.” 

“Paradoxically though it may seem, it is none the less true that life imitates art far more than art imitates life.” 

― Oscar Wilde

I liked this a lot because I sometimes forget the true essence of my personality and my passions. It's hard to live and breathe presently. I also had a great conversation with my friend Patricia, who is in Vietnam, whose words never fall short of being super uber encouraging and supportive. She believes in me as an artist and there are only a few people who believe in me that way, less than a peace sign probably. My other friend Linh, who is in Iowa, also made me laugh across the states and reminded me of what I believe in philosophically and intrinsically (yes you did that somehow!). I pdf'ed things for Sally, who is in Torrance and who continues to be one of the few people who can make me extremely happy. My friend Hope, who is in Milpitas, understood why I was excited to take "real" showers. My friend Ai wrote the NICEST most beautifully written articulate thing that anyone's ever said about my blog.

"Oh wait, it’s more than a blog – it’s simultaneously a celebration of Vietnam, an isolated search for humanity, and a first-hand perspective of social injustices."

 There are many of you and even though I don't mention you here I think about all my friends constantly even if I haven't spoken to you in a while. These words of encouragement mean the world to me and actually spark me to continue life passionately.

My friends and family belief in me has helped me focus and will help me to believe in myself. I'm going to attack the monster called "graduate school applications" and quite frankly I'm scared shitless. When I am scared shitless I do useless things like facebook excessively and sleep and try to do everything else to avoid the thing that I am scared shitless about. I suppose I wasn't believing in myself, just like the young trafficking survivors that I met, who stopped themselves from progressing because they just didn't believe in themselves, they stopped before they tried. They didn't see the beauty in themselves. Somehow along the way their beauty was lost. Hammered and beaten out of them their beauty was lost, not missing, but just lost. Yet the girls were extremely beautiful, bright, and resilient. They have changed my life more than any "successful" person can ever do. They lived and for that I admired them. They continued to live. And now with all the hoopla of life I also feel lost but in a very good way, it's because I am fortunate enough to have lots of people who believe in me and wonderful people I met in the last two years.

 I have this fear I will forget them. I will forget what Vietnam is like. Costco will wipe any sort of soul that I have inside of me.  America as it is The thing is there are a lot of souls in America and any where you find it. Everyone has a soul, everyone has a story, and anyone can teach you something. Sometimes time and fate doesn't allow it. Sometimes the person is a douche bag. Like the idiot that walked straight on the street without getting out of my fucking way. Fucking douche bag. I contemplated walking straight first, but didn't want to make myself angry. I tried this once at the Vietnam airport and douche bag who was a grown man and had at least 20 feet of space around him PUSHED ME on my shoulder because I wouldn't move out of his way. Fucker. I'm sure he has a story too. I'm sure he's got some soul.  I'm sure that if he learned who I was and what I had done with my life, he would of never pushed me. But we remove ourselves. People remove themselves because they can't face it. They cannot face the goodness.

So this is my task, to retain my goodness and to emanate it to others. To help people recognize the goodness that was once theirs. Maybe this is why I am stressed because I think about this kind of stuff. I have friends who do this naturally. Who bring the goodness out of others and for that I admire how they can do it so effortlessly.

The other day I did some free writing because I was feeling really stuck. Things are repetitive, some don't make sense, but for some reason it helped me a bit. I thought I'd share it with you.

make the 1st move. don't be afraid. don't be embarrassed. don't think that you are not cool enough. don't think that others are cooler than you. make that connection. be friendly. reach out. connect. don't hesitate. don't be "too cool." learn to be silly. learn to speak the truth. learn to be mischievous and silly. don't take things too seriously. calm down. don't stress @ ppl problems. free on yourself. don't worry. be positive share w/ ppl. face your fears. reach out to ppl. make friends. be confident. don't be so quiet. put yourself out there. share your story. no need to hold it in in case ppl feel emotional. don't be lazy. don't wait until next time - be spontaneous. don't be a child - don't be afraid to ask questions be weird. be who you are. you are cool - you are awesome. you are funky and weird and people like that about you. be interested in ppl + ask questions. you are cool. you have something to share. you have something to teach. you are 24 years old and have traveled the world. be present don't think about what others think of you. who cares. you can only be what you strive to be. Just be. ask questions. be cheerful. be yourself. make the 1st move.

And the sun it shines - Granville Street, Vancouver, BC Canada

Punks! So COOL. Granville Street, Vancouver, BC Canada

The suburbs ain't so bad - Burnaby, BC, Canada

Japadog food stand

Ume dog

The lines, they run.

25% of the year, Vancouver gets sunshine.

Had a good day today with mama. Although she was being extremely whiney about walking for 3 hours. I forget how old she is. =(

Got to see my awesome friend Lisa Fang who not only brought us to a great restaurant to eat in downtown Vancouver, but also drove us around afterwards. Luckily for us she lives really close to the house I'm staying at!

I felt like a grandma wearing my tennis shoes but I'm glad I did. I didn't want to wear my lovely leather shoes because they hurt if I walk too much. I felt a bit self conscious because I feel like my shoes and what I wear dictate my personality so when I don't have those things I feel a bit shitty particularly in an urban environment. (In Vietnam I could care less.) For some reason I felt a heightened sense of insecurity today and realized that at the end of the day I should not rely on materialistic things to display my personality (nor could they really). There's just something about me traveling to a foreign place with a lot of strangers that I feel like I must prove something to people, particularly random strangers. I've been like this since I was little when I used to travel all over America with my parents. I needed to show that I am cool and that I am awesome and that what people thought about me really mattered. I suppose this trip is causing me to tap into some strange childhood anxiety of mine. My friend Linh told me to send out positive vibes to the universe and they will be answered. Throw them at me universe!

Anyways pictures for you because I'm tired:

Chasing pigeons.

Showin' some skin (be proud of me Donna).

Vancouver you so tiny!

One of these things is not like the other...

One of these things just doesn't belong...

I am so tiny.

Cool dead tree.

Trying.

That hurt.

Japanese Tapas with Lisa Fang =)!

SO DELICIOUS! The roasted garlic was to die for!

Indeed!

Kimchi udon noodles with fish eggs.

Random photo: Ontario, CA  - where the freeways meet.

The 60 like I've never seen it before.

Photos for ya aye.

Ah kiddos, I'm "back" (whatever that means). I never left per say, but maybe my mind did. Pre-departure insanity has come and gone and now it's post-departure insanity but I'm okay with that. I'm in Canada for some reason (plane tickets were cheap) so I'm using my time here to gather myself together and feel at ease. 

I've learned that I have this ability to make people cry within 5 minutes of telling them about my experience in Vietnam. (And even made a whole room cry!) It's sort of cool and sort of really sad at the same time - makes me realize that I emotionally took in a lot while I was in Vietnam and that most people could not handle what I saw, felt and experienced. If people are crying within 5 minutes of me talking imagine 2 years of that. 2 years of that.

I've lost a tremendous amount of focus and need to close up a few projects I've started and have yet to finish. Problem is, I don't really know what will make me focus. 

for cohizzle Mango Yummy!!

I like the sound of the word CHILLIWACK.

I am not in Asia...I think.

And the alleys speak.

Somewhere way over the mekong, leftover film remains.

I know that I'm exhausted when my ears are ringing. It's only when I lay down and do nothing that I hear this ringing - when I am still.  Exhaustion has taken over me - nothing but heavy dreams can stop it. The problem is, I think this ringing has been happening for some time now and I haven't been able to stop it.

In a roll of film there are 35 exposures. My family vacations usually average 33 exposures. There will almost always be 2 exposures left unused. Unlike the digital camera of our generation, the film camera is selective, strategic, and dare I say, artful. You can't just fucking snap something then delete because you made a mistake or accidently put your finger into the screen. No, there is none of that nonsense. You get only one chance to make it right and if you don't, well that's okay too. 

Kim why are you in Canada?
Escaping reality.
Oh okay. lol.

With the ringing nowhere near assuaged, I hopped on a plane again and made my way to another "foreign country." Dirt roads, humidity and vietnamese gossip still clinging to my fingertips, I try. I try to move on. I try to do this thing call "move back." But it was  much much more difficult than I expected it to be. Much more difficult on a deeper level. On the surface I am actually very happy to be back. I am so very happy to be hanging out with my cousins who have grown up, laughing with my friends, buying a new rug and throwing away my papers from high school and middle school,  having my dad come into my room for no reason to adjust my lamps, having my dad come into my room to close my blinds so that strangers don't peek into my window, having my dad ask out loud "where is my con gai (daughter)?" when he steps into the house.

Film cameras keep secrets from you. It keeps you anxiously waiting. So of course, with the average being 33 exposures per family trip, my dad does not wait for the next scenery worth taking photos of. With the leftover film, he takes pictures of my brother and I. Worthwhile I suppose. You can spot them right away, the photos that are from the left film exposures. The photos are of just my brother and I against a wall or with no scenery. These particular photos stand apart in stark contrast with the others. The others consist of our family situated in the center of the photo with nature scenes in the back indicating that we were present at that location at that point in time. However, the left over film photos do not do that, instead they feel more raw, spur of the moment, spontaneous by the desire to finish the roll of film. These are my favorite.


When I got home I ruined one roll of 35 mm film and my other film camera broke down on me so I had to wind it up before I finished it. I have yet to develop it. I also haven't taken the time to realize that my head is ringing. I know it is and I should rest. But resting for me consist of writing and listening to music both of which I have not been able to do. I feel restless and extremely antsy because I have two years of life changing experiences that are held inside me. I have the stories of hundreds of people, of young girls in poverty, of a life that I have yet to share and don't know how to share. I have been overwhelmed with this thought and it's swirling inside me constantly.  I just need to be. Calm down and be.

I suppose telling our story is a life long process. People tell their story in different ways. Some through writing, some through photos, some by word of mouth. My blog is one of those ways including my photos. I don't think I will ever get myself organized or settled as life feels like one constant journey of ups and down, but I suppose what I can do is what I can do. All I have to do is suck it up and try, one of my best lessons from Vietnam.

Will be back shortly...

currently traversing borders, dreams and nostalgia. Thanks for understanding.