Somewhere way over the mekong, leftover film remains.

I know that I'm exhausted when my ears are ringing. It's only when I lay down and do nothing that I hear this ringing - when I am still.  Exhaustion has taken over me - nothing but heavy dreams can stop it. The problem is, I think this ringing has been happening for some time now and I haven't been able to stop it.

In a roll of film there are 35 exposures. My family vacations usually average 33 exposures. There will almost always be 2 exposures left unused. Unlike the digital camera of our generation, the film camera is selective, strategic, and dare I say, artful. You can't just fucking snap something then delete because you made a mistake or accidently put your finger into the screen. No, there is none of that nonsense. You get only one chance to make it right and if you don't, well that's okay too. 

Kim why are you in Canada?
Escaping reality.
Oh okay. lol.

With the ringing nowhere near assuaged, I hopped on a plane again and made my way to another "foreign country." Dirt roads, humidity and vietnamese gossip still clinging to my fingertips, I try. I try to move on. I try to do this thing call "move back." But it was  much much more difficult than I expected it to be. Much more difficult on a deeper level. On the surface I am actually very happy to be back. I am so very happy to be hanging out with my cousins who have grown up, laughing with my friends, buying a new rug and throwing away my papers from high school and middle school,  having my dad come into my room for no reason to adjust my lamps, having my dad come into my room to close my blinds so that strangers don't peek into my window, having my dad ask out loud "where is my con gai (daughter)?" when he steps into the house.

Film cameras keep secrets from you. It keeps you anxiously waiting. So of course, with the average being 33 exposures per family trip, my dad does not wait for the next scenery worth taking photos of. With the leftover film, he takes pictures of my brother and I. Worthwhile I suppose. You can spot them right away, the photos that are from the left film exposures. The photos are of just my brother and I against a wall or with no scenery. These particular photos stand apart in stark contrast with the others. The others consist of our family situated in the center of the photo with nature scenes in the back indicating that we were present at that location at that point in time. However, the left over film photos do not do that, instead they feel more raw, spur of the moment, spontaneous by the desire to finish the roll of film. These are my favorite.


When I got home I ruined one roll of 35 mm film and my other film camera broke down on me so I had to wind it up before I finished it. I have yet to develop it. I also haven't taken the time to realize that my head is ringing. I know it is and I should rest. But resting for me consist of writing and listening to music both of which I have not been able to do. I feel restless and extremely antsy because I have two years of life changing experiences that are held inside me. I have the stories of hundreds of people, of young girls in poverty, of a life that I have yet to share and don't know how to share. I have been overwhelmed with this thought and it's swirling inside me constantly.  I just need to be. Calm down and be.

I suppose telling our story is a life long process. People tell their story in different ways. Some through writing, some through photos, some by word of mouth. My blog is one of those ways including my photos. I don't think I will ever get myself organized or settled as life feels like one constant journey of ups and down, but I suppose what I can do is what I can do. All I have to do is suck it up and try, one of my best lessons from Vietnam.