I've got a feeling that we're not in Vietnam anymore.

I suppose I can prolong the end of this blog by accumulating more half written blog entries and publishing haphazard postings about my life in Los Angeles. I suppose I wanted to go out with a bang. A celebration of sorts to end my volunteer abroad experience. However, as a great procrastinator and hoarder of memories, ends are hard to come by.

My draft box consists of entries that attempt to "tie" everything together - so that you, the reader, can stop reading this part of my life with a sense of "this part of Kim's life is complete"or "Kim has found herself!" or "Kim is so cool" (life goal) but you know what, after months of complete denial - I am lost as fuck.

Perhaps, I never really found myself in Vietnam. It was more of, I became extremely comfortable in Vietnam. I had my community, air conditioning, got my work down, and had made really strong friendships that will be with me always, like a bear whose found a good cave, I was in dream like hibernation.

With the sudden realization that I am now way way over the mekong both literally and figuratively - it is time for me to wake up, to explore, and learn more about Los Angeles and southern California. It's a unique city, deep down in the midst of my whining and complaints, I know I have a very huge opportunity in front of me.

Although the sun beats, there is something new to discover each day. 


I will be writing at a new blog called heartbeat yellows which can be found here.

Heartbeat yellows not only because all I do in L.A. is run yellow lights (so badass) - but I feel like I am at the point in my life where I want to take embarrassing risks, be really true to myself, and run those yellows and not look back.

I like this so much - I have to post it.

1. Make Eye Contact
I cannot stress enough how important I feel it is to look someone in the eye. Everyone. From your loved ones to store clerks & bank tellers. Treat everyone like your equal. I also find eye contact immensely attractive. It shows you’re assured & open & I dig that.

2. Remember Facts About Other People
This ties into ‘be a good listener’ which I think everyone loves in a person. I also feel it’s important to remember the anecdotes & facts people tell you. I’m not talking just birthdays & phone numbers. When someone remembers that I take my coffee black or that I once had a cat named Killer, I know they’re a good person. I know sometimes it feels this way, but not everyone is talking just to hear the sound of their own voice, sometimes people are trying to connect. Find those people & connect.

3. Have Individuality & Confidence In Dress
I like when a person looks comfortable in their own skin. I don’t care if you dress conservative or eccentric, so long as it expresses who you are as a person & you look like you chose your look because it makes you happy & not because it’s what is expected.  

4. Love What You Love
SB & I went on a rant about this the other day & I kept shouting “LOVE WHAT YOU LOVE!” It is my new life motto. I loathe when people automatically reject something because they think it would be lame to like that something. I would much rather someone vehemently hate something I love for their own personal reasons than agree with me because they think they’re supposed to. No more guilty pleasures. Love what you love without shame.

5. SHOW ENTHUSIASM!
Everyone I truly love sometimes gets so overwhelmed by their excitement that they start shouting or typing in CRAZY CAPS. I adore this trait. I spent most of my early 20s acting like I was too cool to get excited about something unless I was drunk. That’s silly. Giggle, clap, jump up & down. True honest enthusiasm is endearing & infectious.  

6. Be Willing To Change
No matter what convictions you have now, accept that life is change. You will change, your circumstances will change, roll with it. Allow yourself to grow & evolve. Don’t stick stubbornly to a belief or idea just because it’s something you believe now. If it’s meant to stick, it’ll stick on it’s own. Just be willing to change. Keep this motto that Cher recites in Mermaids close to your heart:Life is change. Death is living in the past or staying in one place too long.

7. Accept That Other People Are Better Than You
Do what you love, even if you’re not the best. This is difficult for alphas to accept. I’ve given up many a project because I wasn’t instantly awesome at the task. Keep trying, improve & accept that doing what you love is just that; it’s not being the best, it’s being fulfilled. That being said, if you really truly suck at something, & sometimes you will, maybe give it up & try something else. 

8. Be Spontaneously Affectionate
Tell people you love that you love them, but also show them that you love them. Hug, hold hands, link arms. When a friend overwhelms you with their adorableness, tell them. Respect that some people don’t respond well to physical affection & find other ways to let them know they’re loved. Do all this freely, generously, often.

9. Stick Up For Yourself
Just as you should question your convictions, you should also be skilled at defending them. Don’t let anyone talk you out of something you truly believe. Respect their differing opinion, listen, absorb, but don’t sacrifice your opinions to appease another. I would also add that you should pick your debates, don’t vehemently argue every difference. Sometimes it’s fine to let someone go on about something you disagree with. You’ll learn a differing view & maybe it’s not worth the effort to dispute their opinion.

10. Love Yourself Best
This sounds selfish, but it’s not. Remember what RuPaul says: If you can’t love yourself, how the hell you gonna love somebody else? Love others, give yourself to others, trust others, but remember that you have to love yourself best so you can give well to the people in your life. Have fun with yourself, enjoy your own company, challenge & be proud of yourself.

via Bo

My dreams wrestle with the air of doubt.

The wind brings in the heaving madness of what once, was.  She listens. She tries to feel but there is something about the air that keeps her from doing so. The buzzing horizon blurs as it sets behind the tired leaves of autumn. 

Every morning the muted sunshine gently whispers and asks if he can help me rise to the occasion. He tickles my dreams and impatiently waits for me to awake. Sometimes I purposely ignore him, so I can feel his warmth linger - waiting in eagerness. Seconds seemingly suspended, time asleep, and drowsiness overcomes. He waits.

Thoughts enter. They rise, but never surface. Instead, schedules, tasks, and calendars take over. I forget the possibilities of occasions and I retreat in the unfortunate comforts of  routine. Is it really comfort I am finding myself in?

The tired leaves fall, unable to hold on to what once, was. 

---

Why does my heart break when I think someone is not listening to me? When someone is ignoring me? Why does my heart drop when I think I am not liked? Why do I think that? What is it about the vulnerabilities of the human condition that inhibit people from reaching their potential? What drives you? What motivates one to live fully and whole heartily?

---

Have you ever stared at hopelessness in the face? Have it cry to you? Have it reveal itself to you? It's something that will stay with me always no matter how much I try to forget.

On another note - I live in L.A. it's a big city. A wandering lost city. A city that doesn't quite know itself. It's as if the city is overwhelmed and the people try to deal with it by thinking that life in this city is normal. They sit in their cars. Eat at restaurants. Listen to music on their headphones. They try. I try to think that my life is normal. I try to play it normal but perhaps I cannot hold it in much longer. I don't think I can and haven't really been able to but that is life. Life is life. This is it.

It will have difficulties if you let it, and I am letting it be. I am having difficulties and being honest with it. No one can really help me. But I'm not seeking help. I'm seeking support I suppose, but not support like "help me get over this transition" Not that way. I don't need that kind of support. I need the kind of support that reminds me of who I am. There's a difference. From old friends and new. To stay true to myself. How do I stay true to myself when everything about myself feels like they may be in another place?

Transport yourself. Transport your dreams, your hopes, your experiences. Transport them. Share them with others, make them real, and be honest with them. Don't ignore them, don't invalidate them, share them. Say what is on your mind and speak it. I'm really tired of people not knowing who I am or what I've experienced. I suppose I miss that. I miss people who just...get me and know me.

Alright, I whined enough. I'll probably keep whining but I have the right to whine.

---

Let the sun SHINE.

Fear.

How unfortunate fear is. It stops me from doing things. It stops me from believing in myself. It stops me from being how I truly am or rather who I can truly be.

Fear.

It's such a strange arbitrary idea, fear. It's something that is so intrinsically part of our lives that we think about it all the time. I think about it all the time. I wonder why it is so apart of my life.

How it controls.

Some people say that I think too much - or rather in the words of a boy "you're different from other girls...you...think" Thank you for that observation my friend.Unfortunately the truth is everyone thinks. Everyone feels. Everyone has fears. And I write to overcome my fears. To think and to process.

Sometimes I wish that I had moments where people existed in swirly non-physical form. I suppose this is what love feels like, when suddenly the physical no longer matters.

---

I live the life of dreams.

The core of who I am is difficult to retain,

just like the shadows that distance themselves from the living. I have been having a very difficult time remembering who I am.

"I do not want to forget" I told myself. I told myself this again and again and again. I told myself this as I was saying goodbye. I told myself this as I was getting on the plane. I told myself this as I was traversing across oceans. I told myself this as I was staring out the split sight of blinds. I told myself this as I looked at unnatural palm trees. I told myself this as I became familiar with the freeways, the cars, and the grind. I told myself this as the laughter of relatives became constant. I told myself this as my shoulder gave in to the typing the hunching the waiting the dreading the dragging the sadness. I told myself this because I was naive. I was naive to think that if I said it enough times it would become true and stay true.

/ nothing gold will stay.

Retreating in my fears, I found myself not writing, not really knowing what to feel, hoping that this would pass.  It was one thing to find myself in Vietnam, but it is another to lose yourself in America. "I do not want to forget." I held onto it. I held onto the shifting grasps of lives in the Mekong Delta, the kind of lives that will test your ability to absorb sadness, dreams and frustration all at once. It's the kind that will remain with me always, stirring underneath my new thoughts and worries in this cemented dream of mine.

And it starts.

Souls float but rarely interact. Love is a result of souls interacting.
Friendship is the result of souls reacting.
Whatever it is - it's starting. Not that it ended, but I have a feeling that it's starting.
When the sun weeps - that's when you know.
---

Throw up thoughts:

Lately, I've been sleeping and waking at strange hours of the night and day. 7:09 pm 10:30 pm 7:20 am 1:12 am. I recently stopped drinking coffee. Perhaps that is it. Perhaps it's my heart stirring. Perhaps it's that thing that is deep inside me trying to surface. My eyes are all out of funk too. They are watery and feel tired. There's this painful pimple under my eye. I am seeing my eye doctor and dentist next weekend. So very excited. I might get new furniture tomorrow. I had a crush on someone for about two days. Missed him for one day. All without him knowing. Life. I also felt sad at one point in the last week or so. Empty lonely kind of sad. I haven't felt one of those in a long time, only in America would I feel that way. Never in Vietnam. Never. Someone reached out to me - and for that I am extremely thankful. It is now 12:14 am. I wonder if I will have a funky sleep scheduled. I laughed a lot today. I really loved that. I tried to buy a bike today. I'm so short. I can't find a bike in America that will fit me that's no children size. What the fuck. Someone asked me if I could speak English. Someone asked me if I was at least 18 so I can apply for a credit. Fuck you.  I think I have trouble making eye contact. I need to curl my hair. I need to make my doctor appointments. I need to furnish my apartment. I need to reload my music playlist. I need to stop my carpel tunnel. I need to help my shoulder heel. I am on facebook like all the time. I don't know how to say no. I'm sexy I think. I feel really ugly. I need to dance. I need to relax. RELAX. Take it easy. Don't let things get to you.  I fell asleep with the lights on again. I'm so lazy. I'm so lonely. I'm so achingly shy. I'm borderline extro-introverted. Whatever that means. I just want you to like me! Where is my red lip stick? I need to get my finances organized. I need to have fun. I need to find a date for my best friend's wedding. I have time now - what do I do? Facebook. I like board games. Life is sorta hard. Life is great! I love my life. I love my job. I'm stressed at my job. What if I don't do a good job? I like how lives intertwine. Do you like me? I'm nervous. I really need to go on a date since it's been over 2 years. Maybe 3. I lost count. Driving is fun! Driving really sucks. I wonder if the car next to me is looking at me. Do I look cool? My car is shit. I'm so lucky to be me. Some people are so lame. Some people are so amazing. Wow, I feel awkward.

Moments.

I got 99 problems but a bitch ain't one.  

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The holiday that I hate most is coming up. But alas, the only thing I can do with things I hate is to deal with them positively. So I write - and will probably bake and go to happy hour.

Why? Why can't you just out of the blue love me unconditionally? Why can't you see that I could potentially love you love you? Why can't you see that I love every aspect of you. Your mistakes. Your asshole-ness. Your insecurities? Why can't you read my mind? Why can't you read my eyes? Why can't you read my mind? Why is that? Why love, do you have to be something so scary? Why do I have to be so lonely to understand what love really means yet still feel that I don't have it? WTF love. What the fuck.


Sometimes the city loves me. Sometimes it doesn't. Sometimes the city lights say hello to me. Sometimes the potholes flirt. I ignore them. Purposefully. Sometimes the signs make me extremely sad - they try to tell me something but don't engage me per say. Strangers walk by me. Vessels of experiences, stories, feelings, fears and emotions - all to be reduced to a breeze that passes by me. How unfortunate. How unfortunate it is that I let it only be a breeze because my experiences, stories, feelings, fears and emotions don't come out too well when I talk. Sometimes people just smell. Sometimes people are weird. Life. Can't really let it bother you too much. I think it's okay to think about things because the human brain is full of capacity. Or is it? Sometimes the lights try to get my attention. Unfortunately I'm focused on the road. The cracked road that treats me poorly. Yet, I have to focus on the road because the lights may lead me a stray. The lights may make me crash. The lights may hurt me.

There is no countdown.

Lunar New Year's comes with no countdowns. There are no numbers really, no counting of time. A New Year's unlike the one that many Americans are familiar with. There is no silent boring ball drops, only loud pop crackers. There are no resolutions, or thinking of ways to "change" this year. It feels rather of a celebration of sorts. It's the Asian version of Christmas, Thanksgiving and Birthdays all mixed together. That is what Tết is. Everyone ages one year older when it comes around. 


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I'm already thinking of ways to decorate my apartment now that I'm a working lady. I'm going to really push for comfort, cozy and vintage into every nook and cranny of my room and probably my living room. This is the first time really where I have a place (and the income sorta) to really decorate and see fit that my place, feels like my place. Keeping my inspirations in front of my face - that's important to me.  Bringing it out in an organized fashionable colorful tasteful and meaningful manner.

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got nothing to lose.

Instead of city lights, I stare at freeways.

And perhaps that is the source of my unfortunate decline in blog postings. Time is money and money is time. It seems that I have been doing nothing but driving. Driving to work, driving to my cousin's house, driving home from work, driving driving driving.

Drive to work to pay for this car. Pay for this car to drive to work.

Would I say that L.A. is crushing my rather haphazard soul? No, I wouldn't say that. Instead I would say it's the drive. Those long cemented lines, the yellow dots, the vibrations. It's the red lights. It's the green lights. The heartbeat yellows. The yawns. Kevin and Bean. The honks. The angry drivers. The aggressive ones. The nice ones. The one's that don't know where they are going. It's the traffic. The long hours of driving. It's the stop signs. The look out for cops. It's the heat. It's the pollution. The parallel parking. The hipsters. It's the gangsters, the normal, the families, the smog. The trucks. The toyota corollas. The mercedes, the lexuses, the bmw's, the occassional Range Rover. It's the 60, the 10, the 101, the 110, the Wilshire. It's the Wilshire, the 110, the 101, and the 10. Exit Barranca. It's the things I never cared about but now care for. It's the finances. It's the making money part. It's the apartment searching part. It's the city part. It's the crime. It's the robberies. The rapes. It's the internet. It's craigslist. It's my carpel tunnel. It's craigslist. It's the renters, the owners, the phone calls, the emails, the visits, the scheduling. It's me suddenly missing the travel part of my life. It's me trying to settle in but not really. It's me living out of my luggage. It's me suddenly caring about skin products and sephora. It's me suddenly turning into a capitalist again. It's me trying to be stylish again, trying to return to someone I once was. It's me trying to move forward. It's me not forgetting. It's me caring.

I don't really have time to stare at the sunset which is really unfortunate. The other day I was driving and saw it from my rear view window. It was orange. So very red orange, but I stared at it for a second because I had to refocus on the road again. My world, now reduced to cement, red lights, and the action of braking. My world no longer what it once was, expansive, exploratory, confusing in a settled kinda way. My world and the world of others seemingly confined by the hour and traffic. My once open free running bicycle flowing world no longer hugged by the natural humidity but the stuffy air of my old car. How unfortunate this is. How unfortunate it is that many people don't know a world that is outside of this. It's even more unfortunate that I find myself in this world. The city lights are beautiful though, perhaps it is because they are still. Never inundated. Just there - calling through the black skies. If you look at the lights though - it's knowing that someone is still working through the night, their back aching, perhaps their ears ringing also thinking what the blue skies of the beach look like when happy.

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My ears ring. Almost every night these days. I tell a lot of people that I'm tired. It's my only explanation to how I feel. I feel tired. I feel exhausted. But what is it that's making me so tired? Yes, it's the drive, the apartment searching, but as I hinted above, I think it's something about starting a new chapter in your life and my body perhaps being on alert or stress for the last 3 months.

On a lighter note, I love my job! It's a great place. The last time I posted I was about to start my first day. I couldn't ask for a more supportive and fun job here in Los Angeles at such a great place. I have a big task that lays ahead of me, but I like the energy that's flowing aside from the commuting I do every day. 40 minutes in the morning and about 1 hour at night. Also I'm still floating a bit and it's starting to get to me. I just want to settle into an apartment and begin focusing on other aspects of my life other than driving and commuting (Such as the direction of this blog, having fun with my life, eating healthy, being financially stable)

I need a mental vacation. I would say beach but even then I don't think it's physical locality per say but I just want to feel relaxed. And that would include me NOT DRIVING.