I think I'm getting ready for something big.

 

One thing I crave and miss is radio.

 

I've talked about this in a previous blog post, but I'll do it again since I can't get over it. The art of DJ-ing live on air was a haphazard thing I did as I lived my last year in college. Ms. Button was my air name, but I realized that if I slurred my pronunciation on air, it sounded like Ms. Butt. I think I will change it to Kim Casual (After seeing a youtube video on Jazz Casual, America's first TV Jazz Series), since I like the ring of it very much so. It was here that I learned the beauty of accidents and mistakes.

In Vietnam, radio culture doesn't exist as it does in the states because cars aren't a popular form of transportation, motorbikes are (I'm still waiting for the day motorbikes with radios come about, although that would be noise pollution chaos waiting to happen, it's sort of exciting isn't it?).

And also radio is from what I understand, more news than music. But from a young age when I discovered radio from my mom's am/fm clock radio my ears have been caught since. Back in the day when the combination of boredom and not knowing your future meant that you had a free day to play, I had spent the day listening to the radio. I still remember the day distinctly. 1. I thought it was really cool to hang out in my parents room on their king size bed. and 2. I had heard a song I liked. And other days my mom had control over the radio waves, but inside her room on her am/fm clock radio I was in control of it and could listen to whatever I wanted to and its history from there. I once typed up an extensive and detailed story on how I got into music. I wrote it on an electronic post-it. If I find it, I'll post it in its raw form.

In general, as much as I love music and the goodness it fills me with, I don't like to talk about music too much with people because I get a wide range of opinions and sometimes insults. Music, like politics, is where everyone has an opinion about it, but of course we develop our opinions due to different circumstances, existences, and environments. And just like in politics, you have your smart people and you have your idiots. A friend once told me that I was not well versed in music because I did not have an understanding or appreciation for the classic rock genre. At the time I was angry with this comment and did not react too well, probably with silence, as how I usually deal with situations that are not my cup of tea.

 There are a couple ways I do music and as my friend Patricia said once "Imma do me." With music I won't like it just because its a top 40, or because its the most popular song of the time. Although sometimes that's the case and I can't deny that, I like songs because of my process with it. I will have albums that I don't listen to for a few years before I accidentally pick it up in a shuffle. I like songs and albums recommended by a friend to me. I also like to explore an artist's entire album, and as a classmate once said to me as I vaguely recollect, that an artist made an entire album for a reason. I also like to obsessively listen to a song on repeat. I've just discovered this wonderful method of putting songs on youtube on repeat! It's literally as simple as typing the word "repeat" into the web address.

Lastly, I'd like to leave you with my favorite moment of going home for Christmas. This is Dominick. He's just over 1 years old and this trip was the first time I met him. He really likes me for some reason (maybe because I look like his older sister) and also maybe I wore this grandma like soft fleece sweater. In this photo, I was just holding him, and then all of a sudden to my shock he just lays his head on my shoulder.  So much love! It gave me so much warm fuzzies that it still lasts until this day every time I look at this picture. This makes me want to be at home. <3

Pictures because my words are jumbled.

Random bits of December 2010 for you.  8 months to go.

The best feeling is when you bike up a steep hill and can't breathe.

Your thighs burn a bit.

Calves ache too.

And your face mask becomes a suffocation device.

But you know once you peddle to the top,
you will reach a moment where you can grasp for air.

Things

 are clear. 

The view

 is rather pretty. 

And the sky

 is blue. 

And the wheels and road take over for you.

I've run a muck these past two months and have finally found myself in Long Xuyen, Vietnam again. Running around requires much of my attention (and energy) therefore my concentration wane as does my ability to blog. And as this is my first day back at work, of course I would find myself blogging away to keep my mind a bit sane.

A lot of emotions ran through me these past few weeks in the states, as it does to me today. I don't know what to do or feel right now. I've been taking moments to just lay down and not think. I just feel a tad overwhelmed. I scribble things on paper alot. Anything and anywhere hoping that maybe in the near future I will take a glance at it and remember. Right now sitting strewn across my table as the rain decides to greet me, are my mishap papers that I write things on.

My last day ended hanging out with my two best friends from high school. It wasn't planned but it fell together very well just the day before. Strangely these two girls called me one right after the other while I was freaking out in forever 21 since I didn't have clubbing clothes nor lots of money. I had miscalculated dates and thought I would again miss my chance to see Beckster whom I haven't seen since sophomore year of college. I was trying on everything and anything to make the best possible cheapest combination. I ended up with a black leotard that I've always wanted to own and a cute $5 flower skirt from Urban Outfitters. No need to dress to impress. I just wanted to dance.

Anyways, L.A. treated me really well that day and I realized its because of the company. I wanted to see many other folks but just missed the chance since my mom didn't want to drive me, time was short and I didn't know the metrolink was great. We had great coffee, took a nice walk, found easy parking, ate lunch, and I got to see shadows of the Santa Monica Pier. Best of all I really got to click with them in a way that I haven't been able to click on skype or the phone. Seeing them in person and seeing that they were happy really made me happy. Being able to share my experiences in Vietnam and my anti human trafficking work was pretty awesome feeling.  And them being so inquisitive about my work made me realize that I didn't share my work or daily life too well with people I love. I get caught up with daily things and sometimes just want my brain to do nothing but sit. Be uncreative if you so will.

But its time again that I use my noggin' to work in expressing myself. American priorities are very different from what I have here. Here my friendships are very very valued to me. I become close to people rather quickly and people share a lot with me. Sadly I had moments back home where I felt that those who were once close to me were now strangers. Strange how a year and a half away from something can create distances. Coming back to Vietnam was honestly not all that bad, it was sort of like coming home.

Transforming negative energy into positive energy is very difficult.

Negative energy can really pull you down and chip away at a foundation you thought you had rebuilt. It brings you to a position of helplessness and your efforts seem to lay to waste. Then there is the feeling of being unsupported, because when you are in the position of helplessness you look for a hand or someone more sound to reach out to you and say "It's okay, I understand where you are coming from" but you can't always have someone to help you.

This is where I find my strength from. My ability I think to face uncomfortable difficult situations for myself. This doesn't mean that I don't plummet into hours of watching the office to laugh and forgot about the negative energy that has arisen. (I love Pam, Jim, Michael and Dwight so much btw).

I was once really upset when a friend said to me that she thought I couldn't make it past 6 months in Long Xuyen. That I was incapable of doing so. This statement came to a surprise to me because I've always thought of myself as a strong, independent person who is capable of doing things if I put my mind to it. Maybe I had made it all up, my strength. 

Yet, I came to Long Xuyen fearless, then I became helpless and fearful. I couldn't ride a bike. I couldn't speak Vietnamese. I couldn't go out on my own.

I had become a very fearful person where before I rarely rely on people for emotional support (and have now started to realizing that I can't really do everything on my own) Yes I have fears, but I guess I  emitted such energy and character that really I was just upset at myself. For me, strength was an internal thing, I was not emitting it externally, conveying it to others. 

Time to convey my strengths to others.

Reality check: this is where I live.

p.s.

For some reason I've been unconsciously typing the word "don't" when my mind wanders as I type today. It might be a sign about something.

current state: plain ol' burnt out.

Lately, I've been trying to expand my vocabulary.

I think it's working. Now that I'm trying to speak Vietnamese at a beyond 5th grade level, I've come to realize that words such as eat, go, and no are not really enough to run a workshop. I will post my new vocabulary soon. Meanwhile, today during my last round of scholarship visits in Kien Giang (one of my favorite places to go for work where the dirt roads are red and the water is actually blue-green). For some of the house visits we had to cross the water on a little boat to get to their homes.

This boat that I rode on (and held onto for my dear life) is called a thuyền. In English, to my limited knowledge I only know boat, sail boat, raft, cruiser, and speed boat. I decided to ask my staff members and interns what type of boats there are, they gave me a whole list! YES to expanding my vocabulary to what I deem to be very useful terminology especially in the Mekong Delta.

with lovely pictures too.