I could never know what the dead man sees.

Most of the time I don't know how to express my emotions. Nor do I know how to talk about it verbally. But if you listen to what I am listening to you can feel my emotions. I have fallen in love through music before without realizing that I didn't know him at all.

It was only the songs, only the songs.

Anyways, I really like this song it encompasses how I feel or it just makes me happy. I don't read lyrics so I have no idea what he's really saying. It's all about the melody to me. I have songs that make me think that's what love feels like, what heartache feels like, what being high feels like, what hyper dancing must feel like, what running must feel like, what yearning must feel like and so on. So a friend once tried to understand how I like music, however, similar to how you don't understand why your heart beats faster when you meet someone, it's something that is innate. But I am very willing to share and really love to share, but you have to be willing to listen.

This is how I filled my bland suburbia life with a richness that I can never re-enact. There is something rather beautiful and unique about learning how to deal with life through song and rhythm. To bring color and rhythm into a place that is brown, white and square.

This is from Fleet Foxes' self titled EP. They are a Seattle-based band, which makes me want to move to Seattle even more and drive through nature, and listening to these songs.

On another note, I've diagnosed myself with a severe case of ugly duckling syndrome that is so engrained in me that its hard for me to get over sometimes and it manifests itself in different forms - making me rather avoidant of rejection and disappointment. I am a master at it.

I've developed this bad habit of teeth clattering when I get nervous around someone rather handsome or charming.

My grandpa the other day says "Do you have a boyfriend yet?"
"I used to a long time ago..."
"What happened?"
"He was a bad person"
"That's good that you know that. But you are almost 24 so maybe its time"
"Yes, grandpa."

According to my mom's fortune teller I'm getting married in 2012!

"But she doesn't even have a boyfriend"
"No, she is going to get married, I am certain, and you will introduce him to her, and they will want to get married and you will agree"

(hahaha) So be ready folks. 2012. With only about 2 years to make this fortune true, my mother has made it her goal to find him. Now every 20 something year old boy she meets may potentially be my future husband. She tries to convince me subtly.

"You know he's your age!"
"You know he went to University of blah blah blah!"
"He studies business!"
"He speaks English!"

"Mama, he's not going to be my husband! I don't want a husband!"


Also to note, I am the first grandchild on my mom's side - the first to be born in America. So far I think I've done a pretty darn good job of setting a good example for the little cousins. It's been six years since I have really been at home and I think its really time for me to return to be part of everyone's life at home - to be part of my little cousins life who have yet to leave the wonderful world of southern California suburbia. I have seen so much. Experienced so much in the last 6 years that I am okay, to cool it with wanting to search for something more. I've realized that beauty is what you make of it. Fun is what you make of it. And that it's all about the people. My restlessness no longer stems from this search for experiencing other things outside of the world that I grew up in, but it is extracted from a deeper connection with people. And while I am grateful for this outside world experience that I have had and the people I have met, lessons learned etc. It's time for me to come home. To come back to the simplicity that is so raw - that you cannot find even if you traveled to all the corners of the Universe.