24.7.13
23.7.13
22.7.13
Morning madness.
Not really.
I thought I'd try to write something interesting while I'm sitting in a Hopkins lounge eating my yogurt, granola and strawberry. I've discovered the magic of making my breakfast and bringing it to school to finish. That way I arrive to school on time, am not rushed, and have time to veg out before class starts. I also realized that I have time to write. This past weekend has been emotionally difficult for me, perhaps something triggered it, but I began to miss certain persons and I was feel miserable. The emotion was very strong and I wished that it would go away but it lingered for several hours. I trudged on trying to do my assignments. I began to get distracted with looking up flights, when my vacation time was and etc. Then I began to listen to some really good music and it lifted my spirits up - reminding me that everything will be okay.
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| The beginning of my favorite kind of firework! |
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| Staring at Nevada while standing in California side. |
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| Eating cupcakes, staring at napkins. |
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| Two favorites in D.C. |
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| Found Natty Boh in D.C. |
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| Attractive talking right there. |
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| The things I love. |
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| 'Muricuh. |
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| CSS @ 9:30 Club in D.C. - A funky band from Brazil with a lead singer who is half Asian and German. |
Thoughts on a Sunday.
If you want, I'll come home to you.
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Vulnerability feeds the soul but where has the good place gone?
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Grimes says that her song "oblivion" is suppose to represent a sense of vulnerability. What a creative genius, I love her to death, she's not scared to be herself, be really awkward, and most importantly stick to her creative spirit. She emanates it in all her interviews.
Her music is keeping me sane in the midst of this roller coaster life of mine.
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Vulnerability feeds the soul but where has the good place gone?
---
Grimes says that her song "oblivion" is suppose to represent a sense of vulnerability. What a creative genius, I love her to death, she's not scared to be herself, be really awkward, and most importantly stick to her creative spirit. She emanates it in all her interviews.
Her music is keeping me sane in the midst of this roller coaster life of mine.
---
14.7.13
Thoughts on a Sunday.
Life is really weird. My brain tends to fluctuate from okay, to stressed, to happy, to weird, to what the hell, to you know...the other stuff in life.
Sometimes I get hurt or insecure about things and then it preoccupies for a good while. I must keep my mind on the light. As this young boy shouted out while running up the super long (seriously) stairs of dc's metro ways, panting arduously, yet continuing with determinination, "I see the light!"
As silly as the scene was (it put a smile to my face), it really spoke to me. Life is just one long struggle to understand yourself and others. It is full of regrets, mistakes, moments of happiness, and good people.
I think I must focus my energy on just getting shit done instead of stress. I just need to DO IT and listen to my heart right at that moment. I know I think to much, but that is something that I can't help. React in the moment, do what you want, and don't regret it.
The other day I bought two pairs of shorts at Jcrew. I know this is an incredibly mundane story but buying two pairs of shorts at jcrew is a big deal. Perhaps I musn't make such a big deal about it but I will because I can.
I've been wanting shorts for a while now. My friends make fun of me a lot because I don't like to show my skin. It hurts my feelings sometimes but I know they do it out of fun gesture because it is so very strange to be insecure about it when really I have nothing to be insecure about (I'm pretty and I know it!). It is something that is frequently brought up. I'm not sure why I cover myself so much, I think it's because I don't like to draw unwarranted attention from strangers and men. (Which is probably the OPPOSITE of what I should be doing since I'm single, but that's besides the point.) So I decided recently, because I am in America, because I am in a new setting, that I should show some fucking skin and become comfortable in my own skin. Also, it's really hot in Baltimore, I am not in a working professional setting and I am not in Vietnam - so I can dress however the hell I want.
I walk into jcrew after doing a study group and find that they have a sale. I find two pair of shorts that fit me perfectly, are decently priced (at $18 a pop) and from a brand I really like. I decide to buy them but this overwhelming sense of guilt overcomes me (being poor growing up and my parent's relentless frugality) and causes me to spiral into a fleeting state of panic for a few seconds or minute or two. "Should I buy this?" "I definitely don't have the money to be spending on something like this" "What am I doing?" "I should be studying"
"But I fucking want these shorts!" So I bought it.
I realize that I can't let this strange habit of mine of getting really guilty at purchasing and buying things get the best of me and take over my ability to make decisions and do what I want. I definitely have the funds to purchase them (other than my looming school debt that is slowly amassing as I am typing away at my keyboard NOT studying)
I also joined fucking zipcar AND bought a ticket to a thao nguyen concert! I can do what I want because everything is going to be okay. It's not like I'm not a responsible individual who doesn't pay her bills on time. I definitely do and I definitely saved in order to have some cushion to enjoy life.
I'm not sure why I'm in Baltimore studying public health at the number one public health school in the nation. I'm not sure why the fates of whatever in outer space brought me here but it did and I am here now. I am balancing fun with studying and it's an interesting task. It feels very different from undergraduate where I tend to panic much. I am trying my best not to panic in grad school but to really enjoy it for what it is. To learn and to socialize with a great bunch of people who care about the same things as you do.
What this means is that I must reach out to others. This is a great shift in my usual pattern of passivity where I wait for people to reach out to me. Perhaps I will make little goals for each week and see how I do. I gotta do this baby step stuff because I'm horrible at keeping up with goals.
BIG Goal for next week:
1. Hangout with someone new in a fun setting outside of school
Sometimes I get hurt or insecure about things and then it preoccupies for a good while. I must keep my mind on the light. As this young boy shouted out while running up the super long (seriously) stairs of dc's metro ways, panting arduously, yet continuing with determinination, "I see the light!"
As silly as the scene was (it put a smile to my face), it really spoke to me. Life is just one long struggle to understand yourself and others. It is full of regrets, mistakes, moments of happiness, and good people.
I think I must focus my energy on just getting shit done instead of stress. I just need to DO IT and listen to my heart right at that moment. I know I think to much, but that is something that I can't help. React in the moment, do what you want, and don't regret it.
The other day I bought two pairs of shorts at Jcrew. I know this is an incredibly mundane story but buying two pairs of shorts at jcrew is a big deal. Perhaps I musn't make such a big deal about it but I will because I can.
I've been wanting shorts for a while now. My friends make fun of me a lot because I don't like to show my skin. It hurts my feelings sometimes but I know they do it out of fun gesture because it is so very strange to be insecure about it when really I have nothing to be insecure about (I'm pretty and I know it!). It is something that is frequently brought up. I'm not sure why I cover myself so much, I think it's because I don't like to draw unwarranted attention from strangers and men. (Which is probably the OPPOSITE of what I should be doing since I'm single, but that's besides the point.) So I decided recently, because I am in America, because I am in a new setting, that I should show some fucking skin and become comfortable in my own skin. Also, it's really hot in Baltimore, I am not in a working professional setting and I am not in Vietnam - so I can dress however the hell I want.
I walk into jcrew after doing a study group and find that they have a sale. I find two pair of shorts that fit me perfectly, are decently priced (at $18 a pop) and from a brand I really like. I decide to buy them but this overwhelming sense of guilt overcomes me (being poor growing up and my parent's relentless frugality) and causes me to spiral into a fleeting state of panic for a few seconds or minute or two. "Should I buy this?" "I definitely don't have the money to be spending on something like this" "What am I doing?" "I should be studying"
"But I fucking want these shorts!" So I bought it.
I realize that I can't let this strange habit of mine of getting really guilty at purchasing and buying things get the best of me and take over my ability to make decisions and do what I want. I definitely have the funds to purchase them (other than my looming school debt that is slowly amassing as I am typing away at my keyboard NOT studying)
I also joined fucking zipcar AND bought a ticket to a thao nguyen concert! I can do what I want because everything is going to be okay. It's not like I'm not a responsible individual who doesn't pay her bills on time. I definitely do and I definitely saved in order to have some cushion to enjoy life.
I'm not sure why I'm in Baltimore studying public health at the number one public health school in the nation. I'm not sure why the fates of whatever in outer space brought me here but it did and I am here now. I am balancing fun with studying and it's an interesting task. It feels very different from undergraduate where I tend to panic much. I am trying my best not to panic in grad school but to really enjoy it for what it is. To learn and to socialize with a great bunch of people who care about the same things as you do.
What this means is that I must reach out to others. This is a great shift in my usual pattern of passivity where I wait for people to reach out to me. Perhaps I will make little goals for each week and see how I do. I gotta do this baby step stuff because I'm horrible at keeping up with goals.
BIG Goal for next week:
1. Hangout with someone new in a fun setting outside of school
7.7.13
Right now I'm listening to awesome music
to keep this awesome feeling I have going.
What a week, honestly can't wait for the next, and the next, and the next. All the ups and downs and all of it mixed between. I am exactly where I want to be.
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I have 57 un-posted blog posts. Wow.
What a week, honestly can't wait for the next, and the next, and the next. All the ups and downs and all of it mixed between. I am exactly where I want to be.
---
I have 57 un-posted blog posts. Wow.
Sometimes I am conflicted with what I see in the world.
I am conflicted because I am pretty sure life is not to be lived in certain ways. The possibilities are endless, the magic and change that can happen are there, yet so many individuals in the world choose not to tap into the magic of life. Instead they sit idly and let life take the best of them. These last few days I have been meeting many individuals who you can feel, want to make magic happen. We've got miles and miles of flights between us, oceans, continents, life changing experiences, and a kindness that I am surprised/not so surprised to interact with.
I can post this on facebook but I really don't feel like it. I don't like putting every aspect on my life on facebook because these aspects I hold dear to me. They are not to be reduced to a facebook status and validations through likes. They are meant to be shared through words, thoughts, and the magic of writing. I am to share it through my being, through the individuals I surround myself with. I am not to reduce it to some social media platform. Yet, I am conflicted, as facebook is used as a vehicle for people to share with one another. I often ask myself what is it that I want to share, and more importantly who do I want to share it with?
Do I want to share it with my family and best friends in my life, or to the formula of friends that facebook assigns my statuses too. This is difficult because the two things are not always separate. Sometimes my best friends are up to date with my facebook, but some are not, some do not see what I update. So how do I include those other individuals in my life in these amazing experiences I am going through.
Of course, I am just procrastinating. But this is what I keep a blog. Another outlet for my thoughts. Another outlet for my experiences that allows a richer platform to share. I really want to learn to write for newspapers and other means as I am pretty poor with it and find it rather boring. Perhaps I am just scared of it, like many things.
I can post this on facebook but I really don't feel like it. I don't like putting every aspect on my life on facebook because these aspects I hold dear to me. They are not to be reduced to a facebook status and validations through likes. They are meant to be shared through words, thoughts, and the magic of writing. I am to share it through my being, through the individuals I surround myself with. I am not to reduce it to some social media platform. Yet, I am conflicted, as facebook is used as a vehicle for people to share with one another. I often ask myself what is it that I want to share, and more importantly who do I want to share it with?
Do I want to share it with my family and best friends in my life, or to the formula of friends that facebook assigns my statuses too. This is difficult because the two things are not always separate. Sometimes my best friends are up to date with my facebook, but some are not, some do not see what I update. So how do I include those other individuals in my life in these amazing experiences I am going through.
Of course, I am just procrastinating. But this is what I keep a blog. Another outlet for my thoughts. Another outlet for my experiences that allows a richer platform to share. I really want to learn to write for newspapers and other means as I am pretty poor with it and find it rather boring. Perhaps I am just scared of it, like many things.
4.7.13
Battling the inside, but hey outside is nice.
If you look out my little window, you will see a city flanked by the sweat of the brave. Brave because the sweltering sun is not forgiving. The buildings' hungry vines reach across red crusted bricks to escape the shade. All the buildings are made of history, color, and age.
I am in a city that I did not expect to find myself. I did expect myself to be on the east coast which I accomplished. Check. Returning to humidity makes me miss Vietnam.
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Free write:
I want to help young girls around the world reach their full potential. Hundreds, thousands at a time. If they had the chance to learn, if they had the chance to speak English, if they had a support system, then perhaps they too could be like me. Instead, our pathways led down different avenues. I'm not exactly sure what I want to do with the MPH and am a bit overwhelmed with the crazy options and experiences of all the people in my program. If I listen to my heart, what it will tell me is to go with my vague gut instinct. After all, that's really all I have, this vague, unclear gut instinct of mine that took me to Berkeley, that took me to Vietnam, that took me to LA.
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Lately, I've been trying to channel my inner frontwoman (of a band). It helps, since I secretly have wanted to be a rockstar all my life.
I am in a city that I did not expect to find myself. I did expect myself to be on the east coast which I accomplished. Check. Returning to humidity makes me miss Vietnam.
---
Free write:
I want to help young girls around the world reach their full potential. Hundreds, thousands at a time. If they had the chance to learn, if they had the chance to speak English, if they had a support system, then perhaps they too could be like me. Instead, our pathways led down different avenues. I'm not exactly sure what I want to do with the MPH and am a bit overwhelmed with the crazy options and experiences of all the people in my program. If I listen to my heart, what it will tell me is to go with my vague gut instinct. After all, that's really all I have, this vague, unclear gut instinct of mine that took me to Berkeley, that took me to Vietnam, that took me to LA.
---
Lately, I've been trying to channel my inner frontwoman (of a band). It helps, since I secretly have wanted to be a rockstar all my life.
When you talk what makes you ramble?
When I begin to ramble excitedly about something (as I have done for the last few days meeting new people left and right) I am realizing that rambling on excitedly is exactly what passion is. I spoke to a nurse who went to Africa and was asked to be a midwife (which she is not trained in), delivering hundreds of babies to the world. When she spoke she was passionate, excited, and you can tell that her lived experience really affected her. I don't like talking about myself, but I've made an effort to share my background and experience with others. It's the only thing we have. When we share what makes us excited, when we share what makes us happy, when we share those crazy things that happened to you that's when people experience it through your words. Who gives a crap if they don't like your story?
You fucking like your story so just say it! Ramble ON.
People who are uninhibited when they talk are my favorite people. Yes, they can be annoying but damn you're expressing everything you want to and I love that. I'm starting to realize that I don't give a fuck and I'm just going to say what's on my mind when I feel like it. Yeah, I'll make a mistake or two, offend people, or whatever it is but hey, at least I said it. At least I put it out for the skies to hear me. This won't happen overnight. Unfortunately I am an overly conscience person when I speak. I strategically say things, I only express when I feel comfortable, and I am insecure about who I am and my experiences. Go figure. Preach to the choir. Uncomfortable situations, as uncomfortable as they are, it feels pretty damn good when you get over it and it all works out. It feels pretty damn good when you continue to walk, when you realize the sun will rise tomorrow, and that air still flows through your airways. You can sigh, you can cry, you can dance really weird in your room to that song that you absolutely love. And that's it. That's life.
People who are uninhibited when they talk are my favorite people. Yes, they can be annoying but damn you're expressing everything you want to and I love that. I'm starting to realize that I don't give a fuck and I'm just going to say what's on my mind when I feel like it. Yeah, I'll make a mistake or two, offend people, or whatever it is but hey, at least I said it. At least I put it out for the skies to hear me. This won't happen overnight. Unfortunately I am an overly conscience person when I speak. I strategically say things, I only express when I feel comfortable, and I am insecure about who I am and my experiences. Go figure. Preach to the choir. Uncomfortable situations, as uncomfortable as they are, it feels pretty damn good when you get over it and it all works out. It feels pretty damn good when you continue to walk, when you realize the sun will rise tomorrow, and that air still flows through your airways. You can sigh, you can cry, you can dance really weird in your room to that song that you absolutely love. And that's it. That's life.
