Thoughts on a Sunday.

Life is really weird. My brain tends to fluctuate from okay, to stressed, to happy, to weird, to what the hell, to you know...the other stuff in life.

Sometimes I get hurt or insecure about things and then it preoccupies for a good while. I must keep my mind on the light. As this young boy shouted out while running up the super long (seriously) stairs of dc's metro ways, panting arduously, yet continuing with determinination, "I see the light!"

As silly as the scene was (it put a smile to my face), it really spoke to me. Life is just one long struggle to understand yourself and others. It is full of regrets, mistakes, moments of happiness, and good people.

I think I must focus my energy on just getting shit done instead of stress. I just need to DO IT and listen to my heart right at that moment. I know I think to much, but that is something that I can't help. React in the moment, do what you want, and don't regret it.

The other day I bought two pairs of shorts at Jcrew. I know this is an incredibly mundane story but buying two pairs of shorts at jcrew is a big deal. Perhaps I musn't make such a big deal about it but I will because I can.

I've been wanting shorts for a while now. My friends make fun of me a lot because I don't like to show my skin. It hurts my feelings sometimes but I know they do it out of fun gesture because it is so very strange to be insecure about it when really I have nothing to be insecure about (I'm pretty and I know it!). It is something that is frequently brought up. I'm not sure why I cover myself so much, I think it's because I don't like to draw unwarranted attention from strangers and men. (Which is probably the OPPOSITE of what I should be doing since I'm single, but that's besides the point.) So I decided recently, because I am in America, because I am in a new setting, that I should show some fucking skin and become comfortable in my own skin. Also, it's really hot in Baltimore, I am not in a working professional setting and I am not in Vietnam - so I can dress however the hell I want.

I walk into jcrew after doing a study group and find that they have a sale. I find two pair of shorts that fit me perfectly, are decently priced (at $18 a pop) and from a brand I really like. I decide to buy them but this overwhelming sense of guilt overcomes me (being poor growing up and my parent's relentless frugality) and causes me to spiral into a fleeting state of panic for a few seconds or minute or two. "Should I buy this?" "I definitely don't have the money to be spending on something like this" "What am I doing?" "I should be studying"

"But I fucking want these shorts!" So I bought it.

I realize that I can't let this strange habit of mine of getting really guilty at purchasing and buying things get the best of me and take over my ability to make decisions and do what I want. I definitely have the funds to purchase them (other than my looming school debt that is slowly amassing as I am typing away at my keyboard NOT studying)

I also joined fucking zipcar AND bought a ticket to a thao nguyen concert! I can do what I want because everything is going to be okay. It's not like I'm not a responsible individual who doesn't pay her bills on time. I definitely do and I definitely saved in order to have some cushion to enjoy life.

I'm not sure why I'm in Baltimore studying public health at the number one public health school in the nation. I'm not sure why the fates of whatever in outer space brought me here but it did and I am here now. I am balancing fun with studying and it's an interesting task. It feels very different from undergraduate where I tend to panic much. I am trying my best not to panic in grad school but to really enjoy it for what it is. To learn and to socialize with a great bunch of people who care about the same things as you do.

What this means is that I must reach out to others. This is a great shift in my usual pattern of passivity where I wait for people to reach out to me. Perhaps I will make little goals for each week and see how I do. I gotta do this baby step stuff because I'm horrible at keeping up with goals.

BIG Goal for next week:

1. Hangout with someone new in a fun setting outside of school