Morning coffee

 I'm moving soon! This time it feels like I'm going somewhere with intention and arriving as a completely different person. Is this what it means to start fresh?

I've been a bit frustrated lately of the small things, I respond quicker and more striking than I want to, and I have been having pangs of anxious thoughts of the worst to happen as I do whenever there is change or something unknown to me, even a new store!

For the next few days during my move, I am committed to being kind to myself and my partner. I am committed to communicating from a good place rather than a stressed place. I will let go of control as that is the source of my insecurities. I will try my best to not self-doubt or to read too much into the way people react to me.

I'm going to pack, it's not going to be perfect, and I've done everything I can in the moment to organize well. I will try to let go of trivial things, to spend my time binging the internet on things I don't need to. 

I'm grateful for the opportunity to move to Cambridge, MA. To explore a new city which has always been my hearts content. 

Randomosity at 32

Oh yes! Wow.

Time flies and suddenly I am 32.

I was just reading my posts from when I was 27. Right before work really changed me and messed me up. 5 years later I’m not sure if I’m better but maybe I’m more hidden. How inhibited I used to be in my writing. It was my one avenue out.

In my stream of consciousness writing I asked a lot of interesting questions about life and reflected on who I am.

I am more complacent now, going through the motions of life. Sort of washed out in my emotions. Maybe it’s a defense mechanism I built around my sensitive heart. I’m such a kind trusting person, people exploited that and I am not sure if I can trust so foolishly as I had before. The world is a weird place. Full of wonderful ups and horrible people.

Focus on the good, cos that’s what’s going to uplift you.

I wonder if work can ever truly be 100% enjoyable. It’s hard to have it all, it’s built overtime. Create and push for what you want. No one else really knows that. My journey is my own.

Yo, I'm back.

Having recently discovered that I have not blogged in OVER A YEAR. I (along with the help of my therapist) thought I'd change that.

I know exactly what happened. I can pretend and say "I have no idea what happened!" to let an entire year go by without ever writing a single thought down in my bloggy blog (except lots of contrasting anxiety-filled scratch scratch, career to-do's and positive affirmations in my journal). I back tracked though, like a tired and weary detective having to do a job that they don't want to do. Dec 2017 was when I transitioned to a new job at the same place that I was working at because I was feeling unhappy where I was at.

I took the risk, I went for it, and if I wasn't happy then I would find my way. I trusted myself. Or maybe I was just looking for an out.

Fast forward to end of February, I figured out within 2 months that the job I was in wasn't the right one. I was feeling lonely and felt that I wasn't growing or developing. I felt that I took a few steps back (literally took a lower level position) and was no longer progressing past my peak.

I expressed my sadness to my friend Sally, and I kept making up excuses on why I shouldn't be looking for another job. "Why don't you just start now?" "Oh..yeah, you're right."

And then out of the three jobs I applied for, they were jobs I wanted and I felt would provide me a huge growth opportunity. By the end of March, I was staring at a job offer of my imagination. I took the leap, got the one that I really wanted and moved to Falls Church, VA to be closer to work. I said goodbye to my lovely furniture, to being close to Bilal, and moved in with my Auntie. I reached new personal career milestones that I could of never imagined had I stayed where I was. I reached, I jumped far, I fell, I hurt myself, others threw rocks at me but I climbed.

I gave my 4 weeks notice at the end of March, went home to California for a week and then started my new job in May. Half a year gone so quickly. All reaching, moving, change, shift, discomfort, and happiness.

May, June, and July was strange for reasons I won't say here except for very negative energy entering my life. But come July, that was gone and began a much awaited healing process but it was painful, full of crying, but I came out alright in the end. I still am healing and am just beginning. Writing is a path to that. Talking about it is a path to that. Strengthening my relationship with Bilal is a path to that. Seeing and connecting to my friends is another.

Aug-Dec was a whirlwind of adjustments - and a healing process that was not clear, full of ups and down. Full of PTSD, falling back, and then moving forward.

Then came January 2019 - things got much better, the negative energy PTSD crap dissipated and I am starting to come back.

2018 was about a lot of change and me not handling it so gracefully, but at the same time HANDLING IT FUCKING GRACEFULLY

Thank you Universe.

***

Things to remember:
Examine the small things, the details, the stillness.

I will not feel disappointment from anyone, ever.

I've made a few life changes in the past weeks and in the process have disappointed some and for some made them sad. With that said, change is never really easy, it's disruptive, and for some it disturbs their comfort. However, what they fail to realize is that the status quo is discomforting. This discomfort manifests into internal disappointment and sadness which is what I had been feeling physically and emotionally. When the status quo becomes not enough our hearts suffer. In the end, if we disappoint others, but make ourselves happy then it is worth it. Their disappointment doesn't matter. It's relative and you don't need that energy in your life. Never ever should you feel disappointment from others for something that you did not do wrong, for putting yourself first.

Taking control of one's life and ridding the source of negative energy is critical to sustainability.
Mistakes might be made but that is life!

That LA dream.

I recently watched La La Land after hearing so much about it. I wasn't sure what to expect, except I knew that people really loved it, there's some singing, a nod to old time movies, and something about LA.

On my way to Ethiopia, the movie came up on my movie selection list. Delighted, I clicked on it.  As I catapult myself at 500 miles per hour, moving farther and farther away from home, to a place that feels like you stepped back into time, the movie starts in a traffic jam.

Traffic jams and Los Angeles are as ubiquitous as crabs and Baltimore. Nice nod. I was fascinated that they closed an onramp to do this scene and wondered which freeway they were on (the 105 and the 110 - as a person familiar with the freeways, I was both fascinated and angry at the same time.) At first, the movie didn't really catch my attention aside from that scene, but my mind was distracted. Towards the middle, as the relationship between the characters began to build I started to pay attention. I ended up crying at several scenes (first off, I was emotional from some other life events) and leaving home for an extended period of time always makes me emotional regardless of how many times I do it. There's a scene where you really feel her pain when she discusses the defeat she feels during auditions and never having a yes. She then uses that defeat to give up and you can hear her as she says that. I resonated with it, having felt the same way. I can see why she got an Oscar for a role that seems so simple. She brought complexity to it in subtle ways and I appreciated her performance.

I also cried in the epilogue scene where the movie shows what could of been had the movie gone with happy scenes throughout the course of the entire journey with the characters. Then all of a sudden. they leave the happy colorful scenes to an abrupt stop into a white studio lot. It hits you that what you're watching isn't real and reality sets in. I watched the movie again after it was done.

Rusty as it might.

Having traversed several timezones in the past four weeks, Baltimore, needless to say feels strange and familiar. When I have anxiety I tend to fixate over one thing. Right now it's facial maintenance. I've recently realized that I have a bit of puffiness under my eyes and some little wrinkles creeping in. It's okay really, people still mistake me for early 20s.

It is suppose to be snowing but its just this wet winter mix. I don't like those very much, it's as if the weather cannot make a decision, and therefore we get lost in that indecision.

I would like to reflect on my three week trip with my brother and mom throughout Japan and Vietnam but I am not sure what to think of it. Having traveled so much it was nice to hear my brother's comments on Asia. He mentioned that it was weird blending in. Japan is such a nice country to travel through. I spent most of my time traveling sick. Which was strange since I rarely get sick while abroad, I suppose the stress got the best of me and made me ill.

Well I am excited to get back to biking and yoga. I feel more physically fit then I have ever been and it's a journey that's taken a while to get to. Sometimes I am in Baltimore and I feel like I am asking for more but I am not sure what I am asking for. I am here and have been since 2013 which is the longest time I've been anywhere. It is my home base.

How I feel.

My boyfriend makes fun of me because I do not absorb the world in details but rather I "feel" it. His imitation of me goes something like this: "I don't remember anything about it but I do know how it makes me feel."

And this is often how I recount past memories or stories. Aside from this, I am also a person who feels my way forward, and often trusting my gut or the journey to get there as part of the process. Right now, I do not feel my way forward. Perhaps this is a feeling of contentment at the moment, but I would like to have a feeling forward or some goal to attain.

These thoughts arise when I visit California and try to "explain" what I do succinctly to people, making me realize that I have no idea what I'm doing and feel that it is really no different than their life in California.

California is just so California to me and Maryland is just so different. I am constantly and consistently a fish out of water in Baltimore. As I ebb and flow in defining what and where home is I can officially state that I am confused. My heart is becoming more of my home and I am slowly but surely growing into a new sense of self that feels better than before.

At times I do not feel good. Baltimore makes me uncomfortable and I am without many of my previous pillars. At the same time it offers me a chance to grow and to become a different better person. I do not want to forget my youth and I also most importantly don't want to forget my cultural identity and how it shapes me. As my identity is being reshaped in a new environment, it would likely benefit from reflection and understanding combined with an openness of learning.

It also stands that perhaps being myself instead of hiding would be wise as well.

Loss and sunshine.

Somewhere along the way over the course of the past year I lost myself and stopped writing in my blog. There were circumstances that I won't describe here in detail (because you know, the internet), but to sum it up I wasn't myself and it wasn't my fault - although I felt that it was at times.

The other day I described to my friend a sense of loss of my childhood. I had felt it present in the past 5 years or so, but today I would have to say that it's no longer really there and I'm okay with that. Perhaps loss is a strange word to use, but more so a sense of detachment or transformation.

Baltimore is an interesting city. I've grown to slowly love it, and it's still growing on me. However, I've seen less and less these days, but my love grows stronger and stronger as my three major prongs of life continue to grow: work, relationships, and health. Now that I'm older, I value those three things and put a lot of energy into them. Now I feel that I am in a good place with all three and I hope to keep that momentum going and building along. I sure did not feel that way in the past year especially when a few of those pillars were crumbling and not helping me stand (or rather I was not helping them stand).

I say this a lot but I cried almost every week in the past year despite having fallen in love with someone. Isn't it strange how life can be - this ebb and flow of things? And still my heart finds a way to strengthen and I find a way to shine.

I'd like to set my intention for the now and to not give a timeline to it. I'm not going to force it, I'm not going to worry about whether I'm doing enough. Just going to set my intention when I'd like to and not get too overwhelmed with the time of things. I think I've pushed myself to strive for something in the past 5 years or so, and the adventure, as old as this story sounds, was really what was valuable. I'm at where I want to be but not exactly, and that's alright.

**

I was thinking about trying to find my perfect job. And today I realized that it doesn't exist and you have to make it and create it. Albeit an environment is something that you may want to search for, but it is also what you put into it. Today was a good day where I felt that I put in some work and my thoughts and the output was quiet supportive. So perhaps instead of fixating on this crazy idealism of a "perfect" job, I can actually try to make my job as close as possible to this as I can and also envision what this means to me.

This is it.

I've got nothing to lose.

Moving to the East Coast is a mouthful.

A move to the East Coast popped into my head when I was 22-ish sometime in 2009 or 2010 when I was sitting in my flourescent mosquito netted room in Vietnam. I never did open that window. I wanted to move here for several reasons but mostly to see and feel another part of the United States that I had not really given the time for - geographical barriers perhaps. Much of our nation's culture is rooted in the East Coast. It makes sense doesn't it - after all our "founding" happened on this side, Washington D.C. is here, and Matt Damon's from Boston. How about them apples?

The accents, the culture, how people acted, and felt and talked about things. I felt that this would inform my politics, education, and intellect. Everything that I had known was just still so little. Just as I had made my move to Vietnam - I wanted to feel it, I wanted to experience it. I may not seem like it, but deep down inside, I really don't give a crap about your perspective. Yes, I can be swayed perhaps temporarily. However, I will not believe what you say to me or really absorb it until I myself judge or go through the experience itself.

My curiosity lead me here, along with the departure of my childhood. I often feel that my childhood is something that has passed, and I certainly feel that I've entered another "era" of my life. Perhaps it was the process of falling in love for the first time and then leaving it behind. Perhaps it was just making a move to another city in a way that isn't quite the same as living in Vietnam for two years when I had yet really felt strong pain or heartbreak. Perhaps my heart broke in more ways than one. Whatever it was, it left me in what felt like another part of my life - so distant, literally and figuratively. I found myself in Baltimore.

Baltimore is an interesting city. Much of what we may know of it comes from media and shows such as "The Wire." Yet, so many things are filmed here, House of Cards, Veep, and so much more. Aside from tax cuts, there's something about Baltimore that is film worthy. From the beautiful homes of Baltimore, to the simultaneous small town and urban city feel that you get from walking from one town to the next.

Baltimore is like that place that you never think about. Sorta like - Ontario, California. No one ever thinks about Ontario, California, but hell I spent almost 15 of my most formative years of my life there. I am so very Ontario, Californian. I enjoy suburban convenience, I like my peace, I think cows are cute, farmers were my friends, and I enjoy small towns. I grew up in a neighborhood immersed by the working class. Moving to the East Coast and being in such a privileged institution, I am removed from the working class. Instead there's this constant juxtaposition I am facing. Here, I've placed myself in a different setting, removed from the local community. That is something that I have not been able to shake off since I've moved here.

I lived in Bolton Hill for a short three months. It's one of those strange places in Baltimore that you would never find yourself in, but I did. Nestled next to the Maryland Institute of College of Arts - I moved here temporarily and lived with a nice family. They were into theater, photography, you know the ivy-league/private school artsy kind. I mean to open their home to people - it was already "different" for this neighborhood. Bolton Hill is one of those places where people have fresh milk delivered to their door. People here also have cars but they will get their organic groceries delivered. People here have grand pianos in their windows and their homes are impeccably decorated with authentic vintage furniture.  Not the goodwill kind but the kind passed down by generations. Bolton Hill is where Frank Underwood lives. There is only one cafe and one restaurant in Bolton Hill and no grocery stores. People here detest the "save-a-lot" a few blocks over. They have their own separate Halloween the weekend before the real one (which I am convinced has racist undertones). There is a man that literally vacuums the streets every week. I was constantly shifting here - as an Asian female I knew I was perceived as "non-threatening" to the people of Bolton Hill - I even started grating my cheese. This place bothered me, and I would never live here again.

I felt like writing this because I've had a mentally tiring week. There is something so fundamentally missing from the way people interact with each other -  a connectedness to the work - humanity.

Tomorrow I have a whole day to myself. I'll see where it takes me.

Saturday thoughts.

Through my eyes, I can make you fall in love with any city. What a revelation I just had, and how much power this holds.

Of course, I must give credit to the good friends and folks I meet along the way that too help me fall in love with a city. Their eyes, their open-ness is what makes it magic and all I could really do is pass it on to the next.

One time I showed a boy around L.A. and simultaneously at that instant, he fell in love with the city and perhaps me too.

Strangers

Lately, I've been encountering people through the different random things that I buy off craigslist to furnish my new apartment. For the first time in my life, I have a place of my own and I've furnished everything in it on my own - more about this another time perhaps.

When encountering random people - there's a rush to it, for a moment you enter their lives and they enter yours and the possibilities of friendship is sorta fun. Even if it's just surface conversations with a random person you would never in your life speak to. When you graduate from college, you don't really meet people as frequent, as we get older, people sorta get into their own lives. They get their own apartments and stay indoors and watch netflix and don't talk to people.


Goodnight.

And then what?

We were driving into the dark freeways of Maryland or Virginia - I'm not sure which one since the states here are so close together -  and so literally white marks were about the only thing that reached out to our eyelashes. The green trees at night absorb even more color. We were talking about our lives, as car rides usually succumb to, because it's a time where you can just stare at what is in front of you, listen to the light radio waves around you, and also feel that you are going somewhere. We were going somewhere. Our conversation shifted into about what we would accomplish in life. Getting a partner, getting a car, buying a house. And my friend had just bought a house - at our young age - which to many people would be the epitome of the so-called "American dream."





"...and then what?"


There was a pause in his speech as I stared off into the dark abyss that laid before us. The question and the abyss coincided perfectly at that moment. I had no answer nor did it seem that he wanted one.  We were going somewhere, and I suppose that's all that really mattered.

Everyone has a different spirit that guides them.

My journey is different from yours. What will make you whole is shaped differently from mine.

Staying up late.

The hustle will be promising.

Life feels super tough right now.

As I heard on the streets "the struggle is real!"

Putting into perspective it is not that tough. I still eat what I want and have shelter and people who love me. But all in all it's tough for me. When the threat of the future is looming over your shoulders making it undoubtedly heavy both physically and on your soul - it can get to you. I'm overdramatic. I've always have been extremely fatalistic and hard on myself. I got better in Vietnam - to trust and let go, but of course a few years back into America I am again returning to the habit of being hard on myself.

Also I fell down a small flight of stairs today on my ass. This is what happens when my mind is distracted. And when you wear socks on slippery wood. I usually bump my head on things and I tried really hard yesterday to avoid accidentally running into things but this morning that was the cherry on top.

FUCK YOU LIFE.

Say things with conviction.

Say things with certainty, confidence and readiness because that will take you somewhere. No need to doubt oneself because that can only lead to uncertainty.

Cooking food.

I've always been the type to cook my own food. Perhaps I get it from my parents who didn't enjoy eating out unless it was 99 cent day at Popeyes or dim sum. My mom's voice rings clear even when I'm thousands of miles away, "I can cook that at home, don't get that."

Needless to say, eating out is not my cup of tea. I am internally grumpy at small portions, I think it's stupid when a single dish cost more than a week's worth of groceries, and low and behold, if I can make that at home, I don't want to eat it.

Usually when I go out and eat - it's for the social aspect of hanging out with my friends which I love. It's a societal thing to eat out and to go out, but when the bill comes a little bit of me cries on the inside - I can't help it - a reaction that's a product of growing up relatively poor and in an extremely frugal household. I'm a lot better these days and I enjoy eating out but ultimately a home-cooked meal is priceless.

As of late, I've started to post things that I cook in a more social-media friendly manner with the hashtag #chefbutton (a play off my college radio dj name ms. button). One day I have a conversation with a really good friend of mine who I haven't chatted with for a little whiles she says,

So what have you been up to other than cooking?

Taken aback a bit, I laugh on the inside because of course all she knows that I do is cooking because that's all the pictures that I post. I also spoke to my cousin the other day,

You're cooking pretty complex foods.

And today it dawned on me that because of what I share on social media it's what people think of me currently. The thing is, I've always cooked my own meals for myself in this manner but now there is this attention to it that others recognize because I put it on social media. I'm really happy to share it with people, folks seem to love to see what I cook. Food gets the most likes on Facebook. So I wonder what else of me can I share with the world? I do have conflicts with it, but I also value the sharing aspect of it a lot and if I can share a piece of myself with the world than why not?

Believing in my sunshine!

Because that's all I got!

Nothing is wrong.

During rural home visits to the homes of young girls in Pacific Links Foundation scholarship program.

I had a chat on the bus with a friend of mine yesterday about this. It must of happened when I turned 25. Slowly but gradually, this looming pressure of being "an adult," getting married and having kids crept up on me. My big girl dreams of success and travel are no longer valid. Instead, I have a problem.

People are starting to get "worried" about you. 

Why would someone be "worried" about me. As if the path I have chosen in life is inherently wrong. It's very micro-aggressive.

"Why don't you get a husband so you can buy us all Christmas gifts?"

"Do you have a boyfriend?"

"Any changes? Do you have a boyfriend?"

"Even other 27 year olds like you have two children by now and you can't even cook chicken broth"

Ouch. I know this seems silly but that last one really hurt because it came from my mom. Someone who has a good head but once and a while but very rarely she will say something like that to me.

One time she followed me vintage shopping/exploring in Australia. I took them to a random neighborhood to this huge garage sale. She wanted to go with me. But throughout the whole thing she was grumpy about it. "What did Berkeley do to you? Making you like this kind of stuff..."

In my mind I'm like, "What are you really trying to say?"

Perhaps she was just like "This neighborhood is scary and I don't know where we are, we've traveled so far, and I am uncomfortable."

Instead she decided to bag on my world class education. Good one. The kind of education that people will die for and one that perhaps people all over the world dream of going to. Albeit Berkeley is the place where I came to love vintage things. But her argument was non-sequitor.

After that trip we also went to a flea market. She followed me to that as well. She bought a beanie and really liked it. She actually went back on her own to that flea market. I was proud of her. Alas lessons learned as you are near one another - a thought that I have been thinking about a lot as I decide my next steps in life. My mom is a good person with a good shoulders one whose calm. I can't stay mad at her for too long because ultimately her love for me is very strong and alas I am the way I am because of her. If she was even a bit more slightly nag-ish than I probably wouldn't live my life to the fullest as I have. She rarely says ridiculous things which is good because I am an anxious person to begin with, a person who plays by the rules, and likes to please people and keep them happy at the expense of my own.

Perhaps by saying that other women my age already have children - she had a couple of frustrations. I think 1. she misses me and 2. is uncomfortable with the fact that I am not sure where I am going with my life.

I've always never been the type of person to follow traditional pathways. When I was young I've always deflected my mom's comments like, "What kind of girl are you to not be able to clean" with my "THIS IS AMERICA, MAMA" speech. I'm awkward as fuck. I didn't get my first boyfriend until 21. I didn't really fall in love until 25. I'm slow and I get it. I have issues with opening up quickly and am pretty insecure. I take my time and pressuring me is no way good. In fact, I'll probably be more inclined to do the opposite.

I want to fall in love. Don't get me wrong. But it's the invalidation of my "self" that bothers me. It's as if attending two top institutions in the world coming from a refugee family that doesn't really speak English really well is not enough. And even then you don't have to come from a top institution to be "enough."

I am not enough, folks.

The world is always telling me that I am not enough. This super educated, smart, creative happy person.

So what does this mean when we tell women and girls that we know. You are not enough until you have a man in your life to "take care of you." What does this mean when we tell rural, migrant, refugee, women and girls who have less economic opportunities. You are not enough. And until we learn to stop telling women and girls they are "not enough" than perhaps the world will be less of a place for us to thrive for all.

I had a divorcee tell me that once. The contradiction in her sentence born perhaps out of bitterness of what she doesn't have and what society has deflected upon her in her lifetime. Instead on her focus of being such a badass strong woman for raising two kids she focuses on the negative and inflicts it on the nearest target - me. Perhaps she was told that she was not enough one too many times and continues to be looked upon as "sad" because she doesn't have a complete unit.

Well world, fuck your complete unit.

Nothing is wrong with you. Nothing is wrong with me - in fact, I'm great and I believe in myself and my journey. My journey is mine and no one can ever take that away from me. I'm a good person. I'm sorry, world, you tried beating me down but my spirit is too high to do so. To take it a step way back, I was the egg that survived and made it. Watcha going to do about that. (Also, this would be a side rant, but there is a war against girls in the womb with selective abortion) World, you tried breaking my heart, you tried to tell me that I could not amount to anything, you threw me curveballs left and right and I continue to survive, I continue to thrive.

Nothing is wrong.

---

“You will never be completely at home again, because part of your heart will always be elsewhere. That is the price you pay for the richness of loving and knowing people in more than one place.”

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