And those are my post waking thoughts as my eyes meet the sunrise. Initially, my brain thinks about him, school and other stressors. Then I pounce up and say fuck this shit and start about my day breathing and living. Happier that I am healthier than I was 24 hours ago.
I'm really absolutely ridiculous. I don't know why I take myself so seriously nor do I fully understand why my stress and anxious levels are up the wazoo.
Actually, I take that back, I partially do.
When there are many things thrown at me at once, I tend to crumble into the black abyss of mopiness. Its happen to me throughout my lifetime. I wouldn't call it depression because it isn't. Depression is different. Depression is not something that goes away. I just get mopey and sad about life as any human being would. Usually staying in on Friday and Saturday nights will do it for me. This reminds me that I must incorporate fun into my schedule. I think I've done a good job of it last semester. I would make the time, go out, and not study so hard. I wouldn't give up my social life for studying and it worked out swimmingly. After all there is so much studying that one can really do. I received decent grades at the end of it all with a few A's sprinkled in. There is so much studying one can do. It's a balance between knowing what you have to do to get things done, balancing yourself, and focusing when you need to. Hourly scheduling helped me lots last semester. Saving my Fridays and weekends for social things really helped me. For a girl whose traveled thousands of miles, crossed muddy walkways, crumbled roads, stick bridges, whose gone to the best universities, who wanders around the world, who colors her hair blue, you'd be surprised at how fucking scared I am of everything on a daily basis.
I'm surprised that I still harbor fears of rejection, not doing well, and just general fears as well. Fears of exposure, this wall that builds around you, fears of not being accepted. Those are my fears and they consume me at times. Relationships are difficult for me because they force me to face lifelong fears. I felt it in the previous one pretty hard. I feel that wall that surrounds me and it silences me unable to really expose that inner self of who I am to that person out of who knows what. I felt it many times during my previous relationship, I was holding back and there was something deeper about it but I didn't want to go there. And I think for me to overcome somethings in my life I will probably have to go to that place that I don't want to go and reach deep down inside to let it out. I'm not too sure what it is. I'm being really vague because I honestly don't know what it is. It sorta feels like a cat caught your tongue sorta feeling. This internal push and pull that occurs when something doesn't freely flow. When a bird doesn't fly.
Perhaps I should think of my next lover as my blog. A person to which I can express myself freely and not feel judgement. That's a good way to strangely put it. If I could express myself to a person as I do here perhaps he will be it. I laugh because this is ridiculous but really true at the same time.
I told him to read my blog many times. I don't think he ever did actually.
Actually, fuck lovers, perhaps I should think of my whole world as my blog. A world where I can express myself freely and not feel judgement. This will take some time.
Fascinated with the idea, but not the person.
