20.12.13
25.11.13
You know the world is still the same.
It's just you that's different, it's just you that's changed.
---
I think it's time to get nervous again (in a good way), will you let it happen?
---
Don't let the Ugly get to you.
---
Maybe it's time to let the scenery fly by again, put it back into perspective, and live again.
---
I am most creative when I sit at a desk. I am very good at sitting in one place for hours on hours at a time. It was something I practiced when young. The inability to go outside and play with the neighbors, the refugee fear, my desk was my refuge.
It was a small desk, but it was enough. It was no more than 4 feet wide, but it had shelves, and boy did it have shelves. Perhaps this is where I get my habit of having to see things in order to remember that they exist. My stacked shelves helped me see this. I remember the moment when I first stayed up to midnight to finish a school project. It was when I was able to listen all the way through to the end of a radio show that I liked. "It ends? OMG" My desk comprised of everything I owned. From my little boom box, to my stuff animals, to my aladdin wooden portrait that continues to collect dust in my room.
Those days are over now, but my little desk, the things I learned while sitting there for hours on end, remain with me.
---
I think it's time to get nervous again (in a good way), will you let it happen?
---
Don't let the Ugly get to you.
---
Maybe it's time to let the scenery fly by again, put it back into perspective, and live again.
---
I am most creative when I sit at a desk. I am very good at sitting in one place for hours on hours at a time. It was something I practiced when young. The inability to go outside and play with the neighbors, the refugee fear, my desk was my refuge.
It was a small desk, but it was enough. It was no more than 4 feet wide, but it had shelves, and boy did it have shelves. Perhaps this is where I get my habit of having to see things in order to remember that they exist. My stacked shelves helped me see this. I remember the moment when I first stayed up to midnight to finish a school project. It was when I was able to listen all the way through to the end of a radio show that I liked. "It ends? OMG" My desk comprised of everything I owned. From my little boom box, to my stuff animals, to my aladdin wooden portrait that continues to collect dust in my room.
Those days are over now, but my little desk, the things I learned while sitting there for hours on end, remain with me.
20.11.13
Intro to kettle bells my ass.
I'm sore from my workout, but I have some wandering thoughts.
---
As a child, I spent my days running down aisles. Grocery aisles, stacked with things I couldn't have. For hours on end my brother and I was subjected to hanging out in the grocery aisles as my mom meticulously and strategically ordered her coupons so she can save money. There was no such thing as buying things without coupons. No such thing. Even milk. Maybe french bread though.
The narrow aisles of los angeles' sweatshops to only collapse on a large bag of unmade clothing. Do you know what our clothes look like before they hit the racks? They are all in separate pieces like pieces of a puzzle. Each part is sewn together by a woman. Each part stitched on the dreams of having a good home, food on the table, to see your child smile because you brought her a mickey mouse towel home.
Do you know what thread looks like? It's thin, colorful, and paints the sweatshop with life. I particularly like the leftover cloth and thread that piles up when you sew. You see, when you sew two pieces together there is also a sharp knife that cuts the fabric to make it perfect. Perfect so when you pick it up in the store you don't notice the imperfection that once was. Nothing is perfect. The sharp knife cuts the fabric simultaneously as the thread stitches together the two pieces together. As a result you get a pile of cut cloth that falls down a shoot into a paper bag or whatever you put there to catch it. The result is dusty, colorful, mass of shredded fabric.
Those are the aisles I ran between.
---
As a child, I spent my days running down aisles. Grocery aisles, stacked with things I couldn't have. For hours on end my brother and I was subjected to hanging out in the grocery aisles as my mom meticulously and strategically ordered her coupons so she can save money. There was no such thing as buying things without coupons. No such thing. Even milk. Maybe french bread though.
The narrow aisles of los angeles' sweatshops to only collapse on a large bag of unmade clothing. Do you know what our clothes look like before they hit the racks? They are all in separate pieces like pieces of a puzzle. Each part is sewn together by a woman. Each part stitched on the dreams of having a good home, food on the table, to see your child smile because you brought her a mickey mouse towel home.
Do you know what thread looks like? It's thin, colorful, and paints the sweatshop with life. I particularly like the leftover cloth and thread that piles up when you sew. You see, when you sew two pieces together there is also a sharp knife that cuts the fabric to make it perfect. Perfect so when you pick it up in the store you don't notice the imperfection that once was. Nothing is perfect. The sharp knife cuts the fabric simultaneously as the thread stitches together the two pieces together. As a result you get a pile of cut cloth that falls down a shoot into a paper bag or whatever you put there to catch it. The result is dusty, colorful, mass of shredded fabric.
Those are the aisles I ran between.
18.11.13
16.11.13
Run-ons after run-ons, let's run.
I'd like to think I'm a multiple mix of things. I lie somewhere between three different worlds - one of which is an old soul type of world, the kind that enjoys the flowing, expansiveness that is america, everything old, kitsch loving kim. berkeley student movement, civil rights movement, midwest, the south, the east. the one that in the midst of bleakness comes beauty, the kind that finds idleness fascinating and the movement of spirits even more so. Blue grass, banjos, old school radio static loving me. The second is one that clings to the vintage nostalgia of asian countries, the one that is bounded by the hearts of war, the kind where 80's refugee colors of burgundy blue and yellow mean so much more than just color, the movement of it all over waters, over lost love, language and tongue. This one is shaped by the fact that I often slip in and out of different cultures with my ability to speak three languages, The last and by all means not final perhaps too idealistic world that I believe that all people deserve good. Most importantly I believe that there is a war against women and girls and children all over this world day by day minute by minute. There is an Ugly that lurks and manifests itself in the form of some of the most heinous acts in the world. I dedicate my life's work to learning more about this. I can handle more than you think. People often doubt me because I don't like to talk. Well let me tell you one thing, I'm always listening. I'm always listening to the invisible voices suppressed by a lifetime of hatred and self-disgust because the world just didn't love you enough. The kind that is formed when as a child you make the unfortunate mistake of thinking that love doesn't exist for you.
My work is out of love.
Often times the three worlds clash and pull. Often times the three worlds are forgotten as I become immersed in present time forgetting the ancestors, spirits, and overall bad assess that came before me to give me the color that I see today. I am at my best when I combine these worlds together, when it is revealed that I am all these things and more.
---
you ever just let yourself go with a song? like let it replace your consciousness. that's actually what happens when I write. I let a great thing replace my consciousness and then from there it runs, it flows, and there's suddenly a constant stream connecting my inner self to these clickety clack sounds of keyboard.
This is why blog because I LOVE this feeling. I've been writing since 2nd grade and it ain't gonna stop.
I came way before thought catalog. The books reveal so much more. note to self: The stupid lists of 20 things 20 year olds are feeling have been written in books before the end of time. Instead of succumbing to the simplistic pathetic lists that are on Facebook, why don't you pick up a book and for once read something that has so much more color and feelings than that.
My work is out of love.
Often times the three worlds clash and pull. Often times the three worlds are forgotten as I become immersed in present time forgetting the ancestors, spirits, and overall bad assess that came before me to give me the color that I see today. I am at my best when I combine these worlds together, when it is revealed that I am all these things and more.
---
you ever just let yourself go with a song? like let it replace your consciousness. that's actually what happens when I write. I let a great thing replace my consciousness and then from there it runs, it flows, and there's suddenly a constant stream connecting my inner self to these clickety clack sounds of keyboard.
This is why blog because I LOVE this feeling. I've been writing since 2nd grade and it ain't gonna stop.
I came way before thought catalog. The books reveal so much more. note to self: The stupid lists of 20 things 20 year olds are feeling have been written in books before the end of time. Instead of succumbing to the simplistic pathetic lists that are on Facebook, why don't you pick up a book and for once read something that has so much more color and feelings than that.
15.11.13
Hey there.
Rejuvenation feels incredibly good. I've been taking active and passive steps to enjoy life a bit more. I suppose the universe is coming together so I can remember what I love. Reading books, listening to music, seeing shows, talking on the phone, exploring rather aimlessly with good ol' friends and following the flow of things including art alleyways, milkshakes, and crunchy leaves: all the simple things that I love to pieces.
Don't get my wrong, my heart and ego occasionally aches, but then when a really good album hits the spot you forget about those things and enjoy things in the moment.
I'm extremely fortunate and blessed (for better lack of words) that I get the opportunity to return to Vietnam and Malaysia this winter break. Southeast Asia is a constant thought in my mind, and after booking my tickets it's come to fruition. I will believe it when I step out of the airport and breathe the sweet and sweaty humid air of the city.
What I do know is that I will be getting on plane rides, public transportation, and much more: the things I love.
If my life just consisted of passing scenes, music/shows, good friends, and new scenes I think I can live happily
As of late, I've been having lots of mixed feelings about where I want to be next. The idea of my future looming has unfortunately taken the best of me without me really enjoying where I am in life.
Iwill am fucking enjoying myself. Yes, a bit stressed about school, but there's gotta be some kind of balance.
---
Darling you know I love you, I'll stay if you asked me to. - Tennis
Don't get my wrong, my heart and ego occasionally aches, but then when a really good album hits the spot you forget about those things and enjoy things in the moment.
I'm extremely fortunate and blessed (for better lack of words) that I get the opportunity to return to Vietnam and Malaysia this winter break. Southeast Asia is a constant thought in my mind, and after booking my tickets it's come to fruition. I will believe it when I step out of the airport and breathe the sweet and sweaty humid air of the city.
What I do know is that I will be getting on plane rides, public transportation, and much more: the things I love.
If my life just consisted of passing scenes, music/shows, good friends, and new scenes I think I can live happily
As of late, I've been having lots of mixed feelings about where I want to be next. The idea of my future looming has unfortunately taken the best of me without me really enjoying where I am in life.
I
---
Darling you know I love you, I'll stay if you asked me to. - Tennis
8.11.13
Today I felt an overwhelming sense of disappointment.
It overcame me just now as I'm studying. While studying I procrastinate by perusing Facebook and the articles posted. The myriads of articles posted. Everything disappoints me from a negative comment of a class mate on the hopkins Facebook page, to the sad articles that are real or not real seeped with gender inequality, racial discrimination, oppressions, injustices, every single nook and cranny. This is Facebook depression. Then I am overcome by a really overwhelming sense that the world does not think like me and a sense of disappointment for a lack of better words.
I thought about it for another few seconds, and I realized that in the midst of hours of studying and going from class to class, to a lesser extent do I get of the warmth, support, and laughter intellectually, theoretically, and philosophically as I did back home. This is not to negate the wonderful experience I've had with the wonderful new friends I've made. I'm mostly focusing on the negative aspects that I haven't really spoken about. I have removed myself of my comforts literally and figuratively. Stripped of my support system that I had build, including family, friends, familiar faces and boyfriend, I left it all behind to be here and it's not easy. At home, there was a shared sense of struggle. The kind that I learned about when I was at Berkeley. The kind that I grew up with, the kind that exist in the sewing factories of los angeles in the humming drums of needle, thread and immigrant chatter, the kind in the kitchen of warm aroma of food and gossip of refugee mothers, the kind at a civil rights organization focused on the empowerment of asian americans while building a collective vision of other people of color. A collective unspoken struggle manifested in my friends' and family's work, every day surroundings and our livelihood.
Here - literally and figuratively - this is not the case. Or is it?
I thought about it for another few seconds, and I realized that in the midst of hours of studying and going from class to class, to a lesser extent do I get of the warmth, support, and laughter intellectually, theoretically, and philosophically as I did back home. This is not to negate the wonderful experience I've had with the wonderful new friends I've made. I'm mostly focusing on the negative aspects that I haven't really spoken about. I have removed myself of my comforts literally and figuratively. Stripped of my support system that I had build, including family, friends, familiar faces and boyfriend, I left it all behind to be here and it's not easy. At home, there was a shared sense of struggle. The kind that I learned about when I was at Berkeley. The kind that I grew up with, the kind that exist in the sewing factories of los angeles in the humming drums of needle, thread and immigrant chatter, the kind in the kitchen of warm aroma of food and gossip of refugee mothers, the kind at a civil rights organization focused on the empowerment of asian americans while building a collective vision of other people of color. A collective unspoken struggle manifested in my friends' and family's work, every day surroundings and our livelihood.
Here - literally and figuratively - this is not the case. Or is it?
30.10.13
And after the fog clears
And the rain washes away the tears that
Stain your marble skin that erase your soul from your sin
And after the snow falls
And rivers, once frozen, begin to thaw as we
Sit by the fire
Your heart, your lips, your eyes I still admire
Oh Kathryn,
Oh Kathryn,
Where are you now?
- Mother Falcon, Kathryn
SUCH A GREAT BAND AND SONG. Fills up my heart.
Stain your marble skin that erase your soul from your sin
And after the snow falls
And rivers, once frozen, begin to thaw as we
Sit by the fire
Your heart, your lips, your eyes I still admire
Oh Kathryn,
Oh Kathryn,
Where are you now?
- Mother Falcon, Kathryn
SUCH A GREAT BAND AND SONG. Fills up my heart.
20.10.13
18.10.13
17.10.13
Two things on my cooking list:
Chana Masala
and
Creme potato soup
Grocery Needs:
Flour
Butter
Milk
Tumeric
Red Onion
Cumin Coriander Powder
Tomatoes
Fresh Ginger
Lemon or line
Scallions
Cilantro
Chickpeas
Sea Salt/Kosher Salt
and
Creme potato soup
Grocery Needs:
Flour
Butter
Milk
Tumeric
Red Onion
Cumin Coriander Powder
Tomatoes
Fresh Ginger
Lemon or line
Scallions
Cilantro
Chickpeas
Sea Salt/Kosher Salt
16.10.13
Appreciating humbleness.
And what it really means vs showing off. When you show off is it for the benefit of others or for yourself?
---
"that's a fucking quotable card status roomie"
warms my heart lol.
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"that's a fucking quotable card status roomie"
warms my heart lol.
14.10.13
13.10.13
When your heart yearns for more
listen to it.
---
Your life is the story. Be the story teller and tell it.
---
"It's right up your alley," they tell me. That's when I know I might be headed in the right direction.
---
Addresses are still special because you can never digitalize home. You can never undermine the meaning of home and what it means to a person. Home is all we know and home is what we have, even if it's not physically there. Addresses are special because it's a physical location to someone.
---
Your life is the story. Be the story teller and tell it.
---
"It's right up your alley," they tell me. That's when I know I might be headed in the right direction.
---
Addresses are still special because you can never digitalize home. You can never undermine the meaning of home and what it means to a person. Home is all we know and home is what we have, even if it's not physically there. Addresses are special because it's a physical location to someone.
9.10.13
A repost 11.18.11
I thought I'd repost something I wrote a few years ago while in Vietnam. As I'm reading my old posts, it really makes me miss the days abroad when I had hours to reflect and experiences to be had. Just reminding myself why I'm here, the source of my inspiration, and to what is possible. (Also, the level at which I used to write. ha.)
"Thoughts on a Thursday. I have this uncanny knack to see people as human before anything else. Sometimes I meet people and wonder what their fears are, what they were like as a child, and how they were brought up. This is what makes them human. I don't wonder what they do for work, how much they've accomplished on paper, or how many awards they've gotten. I don't really care what type of cars you have, how much money you make, how artsy you are. I think everyone has a story. I wonder what they are like as a human.
Sometimes I can read straight through people, and I think they can sense it too. They meet me and they can tell that I can read straight through their facade of confidence and barriers and see who they truly are. They are scared that I can do this. What they don't know is that I won't judge them. People think that when they lay their vulnerabilities out there for people to see, they will be judged. Yet, that is probably the last thing on my mind when I meet someone. I see their beauty. I see their potential. I see the goodness that's always been inside them. The goodness that I believe all children are born with.
It's the goodness that allows a child to speak frankly. It's the goodness where jealously stems from. It's the goodness that tries to be validated. The fall of goodness however, is that it is easily trampled. The goodness that is inside us likes to retreat, likes to hide, because it is sensitive. Goodness that shines is a feat in itself.
I'm human too, I hide my goodness all the time. I hide it because I don't want to be hurt, and it's a huge huge mountain to get over, to let your goodness shine, yet when it does there's nothing that can trample it, there's nothing that can stop it."
Sometimes I can read straight through people, and I think they can sense it too. They meet me and they can tell that I can read straight through their facade of confidence and barriers and see who they truly are. They are scared that I can do this. What they don't know is that I won't judge them. People think that when they lay their vulnerabilities out there for people to see, they will be judged. Yet, that is probably the last thing on my mind when I meet someone. I see their beauty. I see their potential. I see the goodness that's always been inside them. The goodness that I believe all children are born with.
It's the goodness that allows a child to speak frankly. It's the goodness where jealously stems from. It's the goodness that tries to be validated. The fall of goodness however, is that it is easily trampled. The goodness that is inside us likes to retreat, likes to hide, because it is sensitive. Goodness that shines is a feat in itself.
I'm human too, I hide my goodness all the time. I hide it because I don't want to be hurt, and it's a huge huge mountain to get over, to let your goodness shine, yet when it does there's nothing that can trample it, there's nothing that can stop it."
8.10.13
It's about time.
I'm rather disappointed at myself for allowing heartbreak to consume me hence the dedication of so many blogposts to it. I suppose this is the strongest feeling inside me at times, and I find that strange. From now on, no more. I must focus on the other things that are in my life - after reading my old blog posts, I recognize a certain beauty that I used to see. I haven't had the time to soak up the beauty of my surroundings really. Perhaps it's because I've been so out of wack as of late. I need to stop taking up my consciousness capital on past things that I no longer have control over.
It is a pressing time to change myself from within, to overcome fears like there is no tomorrow, make mistakes, and be just fucking awkward without feeling bad about it. It's about time that I am myself again. It's about time that I let it shine. It's about time that I make eye contact with folks. Smile. Take the time to breathe and recall the worth that is in me.
It's about time.
7.10.13
I feel the tides shifting.
And ever so gently, it flows over the crevices and cracks, flooding the emptiness that was.
I love what I love and that's that. I am what I am and that's that. Fuck "it is what it is." As if that's a sufficient explanation for the hurt and pain that's about to come. Little do people know of the toll that the human spirit takes when selfishness and fear takes the lead over goodness and love.
---
I get it. I get it. I get it.
I get it. I get it. I get it.
I get it. I get it. I get it.
I get it. I get it. I get it.
Do you?
---
Celebrate for others.
---
I need to work on me.
Practice makes whatever.
---
Celebrate for others.
---
I need to work on me.
Practice makes whatever.
5.10.13
I'm sure one day I will find the one who will jump on the plane with me.
Rather than say goodbye to me at the airport.
3.10.13
Out of the depths of idleness.
I'm sitting rather tired on the 4th floor of my school. The night previous, I had done that thing again where I knock out from exhaustion like there is no tomorrow, forgetting to brush my teeth, shower and turn off the lights. Any who, sometimes I forget how amazing this institution is - how privilege intersects with my experiences, brings me to a different level and how a few years ago I dreamed of being in this space. One example is that my advisor, who is a leading expert in refugee and humanitarian assistance - worked in the refugee camp that my mom and family were in - in Thailand. By a matter of generations, the daughter of a refugee finds herself in this institution. It is a space of great privilege. I have been uncomfortable for the last few days for a multitude of reasons. One in particular is voice - and my daily struggles of expressing myself verbally, clearly, and openly without fear. This can be something as simple as raising my hand in class to ask a question or stating what I think right at that moment without fear of non acceptance. The school, faculty, colleagues make me realize that voice is all I have and I must speak. It's a strange concept and for the last few days I have been grappling with it full on. The other day I was invited by my work place to join them in a special dinner with their advisory board, faculty, etc because they had extra seats. Right before that I skipped class to attend this talk focused on women's health and rights about gender based violence, trafficking, and more. I was really inspired and afterwards there was this really nice reception. But onto the special dinner, I'm not sure how to describe my feelings about it, but imagine being in a room with multiple people whose work you greatly admire and strive to one day be a part of. Yup. I was quiet, embarrassed by my blue hair and very underdressed, but the experience was wonderful. I'm also uncomfortable because I am at the cusp of exactly where I want to be and I feel a shift coming.
Yes, I do understand that in a space of immense privilege, I need to take a step back and examine what it means in the context of others and where I came from. I must understand the dynamics that go in perpetuating oppression and silencing of voices. But hey, I have a year.
I never really feel good about staying at home because then I start thinking about it. I'll start thinking about it. Just a small glimpse of him sets me off. Then what? What do I do from there? What can I say about idleness? Here [in America] idleness is not okay. However, idleness in Vietnam is an amazing feeling. I reveled in idleness there and felt really good about it. Being still. Here idleness makes me feel guilty and sadness seeps in. Idleness is not okay but isn't it? When will it go away? This worries me.
Stop wasting time thinking about it.
I often study in a quiet naturally sunlit room on the 4th floor. My exhaustion was starting to make me feel sad and loneliness was starting to creep in, thoughts about him in particular. But just then, I receive an email of research that I'm very interested in - the light started to shine exactly on me and nowhere else. I found this rather moving and am not sure what to make of it. Perhaps they are just telling me that everything will be okay.
---
I just watched a commercial about ne-yo and his creative process in writing on youtube. It was surprisingly inspiring! Yes, this blog post was inspired by ne-yo.
---
Vessels. I forget this all the time (which is probably why I blog so much.) but I forget the vessel of experiences that I hold and what this means as a person who intertwines with others. I sometimes am so earthly that I forget the spiritual aspect of things that keep me uplifted.
Yes, I do understand that in a space of immense privilege, I need to take a step back and examine what it means in the context of others and where I came from. I must understand the dynamics that go in perpetuating oppression and silencing of voices. But hey, I have a year.
I never really feel good about staying at home because then I start thinking about it. I'll start thinking about it. Just a small glimpse of him sets me off. Then what? What do I do from there? What can I say about idleness? Here [in America] idleness is not okay. However, idleness in Vietnam is an amazing feeling. I reveled in idleness there and felt really good about it. Being still. Here idleness makes me feel guilty and sadness seeps in. Idleness is not okay but isn't it? When will it go away? This worries me.
Stop wasting time thinking about it.
I often study in a quiet naturally sunlit room on the 4th floor. My exhaustion was starting to make me feel sad and loneliness was starting to creep in, thoughts about him in particular. But just then, I receive an email of research that I'm very interested in - the light started to shine exactly on me and nowhere else. I found this rather moving and am not sure what to make of it. Perhaps they are just telling me that everything will be okay.
---
I just watched a commercial about ne-yo and his creative process in writing on youtube. It was surprisingly inspiring! Yes, this blog post was inspired by ne-yo.
---
Vessels. I forget this all the time (which is probably why I blog so much.) but I forget the vessel of experiences that I hold and what this means as a person who intertwines with others. I sometimes am so earthly that I forget the spiritual aspect of things that keep me uplifted.
29.9.13
Ideas on a Sunday.
Perhaps I should start crafting quotes on pretty paper for my favorites and loves as the scissor, exacto knife and needle are my best friends. After all "Kim" means gold and needle at the same time. Time no time, I can do it.
Some of my favorite literary sentences of all time:
Some of my favorite literary sentences of all time:
When I was suddenly catapulted into the leadership of the bus protest in Montgomery, Alabama, a few years ago, I felt we would be supported by the white church. I felt that the white ministers, priests and rabbis of the South would be among our strongest allies. Instead, some have been outright opponents, refusing to understand the freedom movement and misrepresenting its leaders; all too many others have been more cautious than courageous and have remained silent behind the anesthetizing security of stained glass windows.
In spite of my shattered dreams, I came to Birmingham with the hope that the white religious leadership of this community would see the justice of our cause and, with deep moral concern, would serve as the channel through which our just grievances could reach the power structure. I had hoped that each of you would understand. But again I have been disappointed.
-MLK, Letter from a Birmingham Jail
"Your silence will not protect you"
-Audre Lorde
27.9.13
Let's make this happen.
I find it delightfully interesting, flattering, and amusing the things that remind people of me. My good friend Aileen sends me a video of a girl dancing around on a public ferry. She tells me that things like that make her think of me. Punctuating the stagnant normalcy of routine, she dances in their face, makes people smile, or downright uncomfortable. She ignores it and proceeds to dance her way all around the boat. My ex-boyfriend once made me a playlist of songs that reminded him of me, they were for the most part whimsical uppity upbeat xylophone interjecting songs. I'm happy that I emanate that energy out to people when I am at my best.
Laughter makes me happy, but I feel like the last few years have pulled my energy down. Let's make this happen, let's keep the energy up.
---
"Keepin' it "Real(ism)" - ad on bus stop
Laughter makes me happy, but I feel like the last few years have pulled my energy down. Let's make this happen, let's keep the energy up.
---
"Keepin' it "Real(ism)" - ad on bus stop
I love
"my mama told me" songs, because the men singing it are of course listening to the main woman in their life - their moms!
25.9.13
"Dentel, I'm a turtle"
"My home is on my back. And yet I feel the most real home I'll ever have is the space where our roads merged and traveled along together...for a time. Probably I'm wrong to leave."
Oh god that was so adorable!!! My good friend Aline lent me this graphic book to read and it's about a very adorable turtle name "Chunky Rice" who leaves home (not for any reason in particular, but the book hints that he is meant for more than just the small town). But he is in love with a mouse (who can't leave because she is "lowly") name Dentel. Dentel tells him to leave and that's what he tells her while she's sleeping.
He eventually leaves, packs everything up, sails the sea and meets interesting people along the way. I'm not doing the book justice, but I just really like it. In the end, it says "there is no goodbye, chunky rice" as a message bottle she sends into the sea hits his ship.
Which makes me think about my friendship vibe theory, in which when I think about my friends they come back into my life in one way or another because they "hear" me thinking about them.
---
I am on my period. I feel like Chunky Rice.
Oh god that was so adorable!!! My good friend Aline lent me this graphic book to read and it's about a very adorable turtle name "Chunky Rice" who leaves home (not for any reason in particular, but the book hints that he is meant for more than just the small town). But he is in love with a mouse (who can't leave because she is "lowly") name Dentel. Dentel tells him to leave and that's what he tells her while she's sleeping.
He eventually leaves, packs everything up, sails the sea and meets interesting people along the way. I'm not doing the book justice, but I just really like it. In the end, it says "there is no goodbye, chunky rice" as a message bottle she sends into the sea hits his ship.
Which makes me think about my friendship vibe theory, in which when I think about my friends they come back into my life in one way or another because they "hear" me thinking about them.
---
I am on my period. I feel like Chunky Rice.
23.9.13
I say goodbye at airports.
True story. This has happened twice to me which is more than I expected. The likelihood of these events seem minute, but then again when you see where I've been and the nature of my purposeful floating, it's also not that surprising. I find it rather strange but very appropriate. As I traverse the borders of the unknown, I sacrifice their love. Sometimes I wonder if I sacrifice my own in the process, but in the end of it all, I do what I love and that's what keeps me flying.
Shake off the nightmare.
Little bird have you got a key?
Unlock the lock inside of me
Where will you go?
Keep yourself afloat
Feeling old until the wings unfolded
Caught me a long wind
Where will we go?
Keep ourselves afloat
I caught a long wind
A long life wind
I got to know the sky
But it didn't know me
Got to see the light
And land on top of the sea
And be the bird, be the key
And now the current tells
What the wave withheld
And then the lightning say
Oh where light will lay
Where will you go?
Keep yourself afloat
I caught a long wind
A long life wind
Like a swallow
A night owl
A little chickadee
Sad sparrow
Good morning bird
Good nightingale
I took a deep breath
And caught a long wind
-Feist, Caught A Long Wind
---
Life occurrences build you up and what's magical is that you get to go through it.
18.9.13
17.9.13
Come to think of it...
Had I never made the leap to Vietnam, had I never been by myself and single for that matter, I don't think I would of fully embraced my experience in Vietnam like I did. I don't think I would of made the relationships had I came back a year earlier or perhaps missed someone back home. I'm not saying that to find meaning that you shouldn't be with someone, but at the same time, it was the fact that I was on my own, that I had the freedom to be with other people, to build with others and to create friendships. My mind was focused. At the same time, I won't deny love if it comes my way, but love takes lots of energy. In Vietnam, my love was to the country, to the people, the staff, and particularly to the young girls who live in the deep border regions. That was the type of love that made you realize it can be your life's work and dedication. To see where I was to be originally from, where my mom is from, where my dad is from and the rest of my ancestors before they came from China. And as I dive deeper into the connections and research at Hopkins, I'm returning to the roots that brought me here. What I notice more and more from the Professors and faculty is that they are immensely passionate about their topic and what they are teaching. You can truly tell that they love and breathe it. I can't help but want to be focused on things that I think I should be studying like economics and all that jazz. At the same though, what was it that brought me here in the first place? It was the fact that I think all girls especially those in rural areas should have a chance of reaching their full potential. It was their resilience.
And so I trudge forward.
---
Now, my parents, including my aunt Mommy are going back to Vietnam and I'm insanely jealous. I LOVE VIETNAM and I miss it so. What I would do to return there and do some work with my favorite people.
---
For most of last week, I kept falling asleep with all the lights on. I did this a few times in Vietnam, and perhaps I was so exhausted without my knowing that I flat out knock out in a deep slumber once I decide to lay my body down. This is my admission that I'm exhausted, my mind is exhausted and I must find ways to balance and not make myself so exhausted.
And so I trudge forward.
---
Now, my parents, including my aunt Mommy are going back to Vietnam and I'm insanely jealous. I LOVE VIETNAM and I miss it so. What I would do to return there and do some work with my favorite people.
---
For most of last week, I kept falling asleep with all the lights on. I did this a few times in Vietnam, and perhaps I was so exhausted without my knowing that I flat out knock out in a deep slumber once I decide to lay my body down. This is my admission that I'm exhausted, my mind is exhausted and I must find ways to balance and not make myself so exhausted.
16.9.13
Sunday.
Sometimes, when I stare at my screen before I write I feel like I'm running towards the Ugly waving my sword forward. The pen is mightier than the sword as they say. In this case my sword is my pen and instead of my pen, it's my keyboard. Not as sexy, but hey it will work. Instead of kicking the ass out of my enemies, I instead reflect, heal, and spill my heart out.
touché.
---
My life is a work in progress.
And this is going to take a while, I'm going to feel sad a few times, I'm going to be happy a few times, and I'm also going to feel very very fortunate. I'm in a bit of an incubated circle at Hopkins, school work ties me down, and sometimes I forget to breathe.
I'm going to try to balance this week. This week is like every week, but I'm going to try to approach it differently from the former week. I'm going to exercise at least once, I'm going to not stress out about my quiz and I'm going to spend time with people. I hate saying no to fun things - sometimes I wonder if its really necessary to say no to people. Saying no and staying in means a potentially missed opportunity and I struggle with this idea. Sometimes, I just need to calm down and not think.
Yup, I'm going through heartbreak and it's going to take a while. I was paroling the internet and saw this post from Shannon Holloway which I thoroughly enjoyed. "just because you can doesn’t mean you should"
I'm going to be okay with my decisions and stand firm with them because that's all I got honestly.
---
I'm full of color can you see it? Can I see it?
---
I hear that Paris is a beautiful city.
13.9.13
Thoughts on a Thursday?
Love is sorta this irreplaceable strange weird thing - a perk of being human. And while my heart drives me crazy I can't help but love love, what it is and what it is capable of. It's all really simple you see. I do believe that love finds its ways to creep into your life. I also like thinking about love, past love, missed love,
---
One of the reasons why I loved my time in Vietnam was that it allowed me to spend time with people one on one. We had nothing else to do really.
---
One of the reasons why I loved my time in Vietnam was that it allowed me to spend time with people one on one. We had nothing else to do really.
10.9.13
8.9.13
Thoughts on a Sunday: Fuck being sad.
And those are my post waking thoughts as my eyes meet the sunrise. Initially, my brain thinks about him, school and other stressors. Then I pounce up and say fuck this shit and start about my day breathing and living. Happier that I am healthier than I was 24 hours ago.
I'm really absolutely ridiculous. I don't know why I take myself so seriously nor do I fully understand why my stress and anxious levels are up the wazoo.
Actually, I take that back, I partially do.
When there are many things thrown at me at once, I tend to crumble into the black abyss of mopiness. Its happen to me throughout my lifetime. I wouldn't call it depression because it isn't. Depression is different. Depression is not something that goes away. I just get mopey and sad about life as any human being would. Usually staying in on Friday and Saturday nights will do it for me. This reminds me that I must incorporate fun into my schedule. I think I've done a good job of it last semester. I would make the time, go out, and not study so hard. I wouldn't give up my social life for studying and it worked out swimmingly. After all there is so much studying that one can really do. I received decent grades at the end of it all with a few A's sprinkled in. There is so much studying one can do. It's a balance between knowing what you have to do to get things done, balancing yourself, and focusing when you need to. Hourly scheduling helped me lots last semester. Saving my Fridays and weekends for social things really helped me. For a girl whose traveled thousands of miles, crossed muddy walkways, crumbled roads, stick bridges, whose gone to the best universities, who wanders around the world, who colors her hair blue, you'd be surprised at how fucking scared I am of everything on a daily basis.
I'm surprised that I still harbor fears of rejection, not doing well, and just general fears as well. Fears of exposure, this wall that builds around you, fears of not being accepted. Those are my fears and they consume me at times. Relationships are difficult for me because they force me to face lifelong fears. I felt it in the previous one pretty hard. I feel that wall that surrounds me and it silences me unable to really expose that inner self of who I am to that person out of who knows what. I felt it many times during my previous relationship, I was holding back and there was something deeper about it but I didn't want to go there. And I think for me to overcome somethings in my life I will probably have to go to that place that I don't want to go and reach deep down inside to let it out. I'm not too sure what it is. I'm being really vague because I honestly don't know what it is. It sorta feels like a cat caught your tongue sorta feeling. This internal push and pull that occurs when something doesn't freely flow. When a bird doesn't fly.
Perhaps I should think of my next lover as my blog. A person to which I can express myself freely and not feel judgement. That's a good way to strangely put it. If I could express myself to a person as I do here perhaps he will be it. I laugh because this is ridiculous but really true at the same time.
I told him to read my blog many times. I don't think he ever did actually.
Actually, fuck lovers, perhaps I should think of my whole world as my blog. A world where I can express myself freely and not feel judgement. This will take some time.
Fascinated with the idea, but not the person.
I'm really absolutely ridiculous. I don't know why I take myself so seriously nor do I fully understand why my stress and anxious levels are up the wazoo.
Actually, I take that back, I partially do.
When there are many things thrown at me at once, I tend to crumble into the black abyss of mopiness. Its happen to me throughout my lifetime. I wouldn't call it depression because it isn't. Depression is different. Depression is not something that goes away. I just get mopey and sad about life as any human being would. Usually staying in on Friday and Saturday nights will do it for me. This reminds me that I must incorporate fun into my schedule. I think I've done a good job of it last semester. I would make the time, go out, and not study so hard. I wouldn't give up my social life for studying and it worked out swimmingly. After all there is so much studying that one can really do. I received decent grades at the end of it all with a few A's sprinkled in. There is so much studying one can do. It's a balance between knowing what you have to do to get things done, balancing yourself, and focusing when you need to. Hourly scheduling helped me lots last semester. Saving my Fridays and weekends for social things really helped me. For a girl whose traveled thousands of miles, crossed muddy walkways, crumbled roads, stick bridges, whose gone to the best universities, who wanders around the world, who colors her hair blue, you'd be surprised at how fucking scared I am of everything on a daily basis.
I'm surprised that I still harbor fears of rejection, not doing well, and just general fears as well. Fears of exposure, this wall that builds around you, fears of not being accepted. Those are my fears and they consume me at times. Relationships are difficult for me because they force me to face lifelong fears. I felt it in the previous one pretty hard. I feel that wall that surrounds me and it silences me unable to really expose that inner self of who I am to that person out of who knows what. I felt it many times during my previous relationship, I was holding back and there was something deeper about it but I didn't want to go there. And I think for me to overcome somethings in my life I will probably have to go to that place that I don't want to go and reach deep down inside to let it out. I'm not too sure what it is. I'm being really vague because I honestly don't know what it is. It sorta feels like a cat caught your tongue sorta feeling. This internal push and pull that occurs when something doesn't freely flow. When a bird doesn't fly.
Perhaps I should think of my next lover as my blog. A person to which I can express myself freely and not feel judgement. That's a good way to strangely put it. If I could express myself to a person as I do here perhaps he will be it. I laugh because this is ridiculous but really true at the same time.
I told him to read my blog many times. I don't think he ever did actually.
Actually, fuck lovers, perhaps I should think of my whole world as my blog. A world where I can express myself freely and not feel judgement. This will take some time.
Fascinated with the idea, but not the person.
6.9.13
UUHHHH!!!
I'm so tired of coughing. It has returned. Try going through 8 hours of lecture with an itching cough that won't stop. I coughed during my trip. I cough during class. I cough through the night. I cough everywhere and it's difficult to function.
Fuck.
This is my blog and I'll cry if I want to.
---
On a lighter note I started a job as a research assistant and I'm really loving the opportunity. It is so nuanced, connected, great people and I'm really excited to start it. Out of everything this is what I look forward to doing - getting my hands dirty with literature review. I will be helping with the Key Populations Project at the Center for Health and Human Rights they conduct research with HIV issues among MSM, Sex Workers and Injection Users.
Lots of things are happening and moving fast. At the same time my illness is putting a pause to it. It's interesting when life moves quickly around you but when you are not physically able or your energy is super low then it becomes exceedingly difficult. Health is so important in life. When you don't have it - you can't live it as you used to. Today I canceled on a friend because I couldn't stop coughing and thought my body needed a break. This sucks. I'm trying to keep my head up but at some point I can't help but feel I may fall and break down. Trying to avoid that or perhaps I am in denial and it has/is already happening. Maybe this is what life is. This up and down roller coaster. This is what life is. Trial after trial which is what brings flavor to life.
Lately, I've been staring at facebook and getting depressed at how great everyone's life is. Then I realize that facebook is stupid. The other day I went to see Nick Offerman perform at a theatre. (It's Ron Swanson from Parks and Rec for those that don't know.) He went on a few rants, or rather his entire performance was a rant with his chuckle that he only does when his character is excited about something. One of his rants was how he was addicted to his phone and how stupid that was. It's stupid and I don't know how to step away from it sometimes. Sometimes I just put my phone away.
I want to feel energy and happiness! I think this school and money stress is starting to get to me and I need to find ways to balance stress, energy and my happiness. Perhaps it is because there are so many things occurring at once, so many people to connect to, that I don't have time to process it all. The support is there. The smiles and hugs. The people. Just need to reach out and be open.
Enjoy the simple things.
Fuck.
This is my blog and I'll cry if I want to.
---
On a lighter note I started a job as a research assistant and I'm really loving the opportunity. It is so nuanced, connected, great people and I'm really excited to start it. Out of everything this is what I look forward to doing - getting my hands dirty with literature review. I will be helping with the Key Populations Project at the Center for Health and Human Rights they conduct research with HIV issues among MSM, Sex Workers and Injection Users.
Lots of things are happening and moving fast. At the same time my illness is putting a pause to it. It's interesting when life moves quickly around you but when you are not physically able or your energy is super low then it becomes exceedingly difficult. Health is so important in life. When you don't have it - you can't live it as you used to. Today I canceled on a friend because I couldn't stop coughing and thought my body needed a break. This sucks. I'm trying to keep my head up but at some point I can't help but feel I may fall and break down. Trying to avoid that or perhaps I am in denial and it has/is already happening. Maybe this is what life is. This up and down roller coaster. This is what life is. Trial after trial which is what brings flavor to life.
Lately, I've been staring at facebook and getting depressed at how great everyone's life is. Then I realize that facebook is stupid. The other day I went to see Nick Offerman perform at a theatre. (It's Ron Swanson from Parks and Rec for those that don't know.) He went on a few rants, or rather his entire performance was a rant with his chuckle that he only does when his character is excited about something. One of his rants was how he was addicted to his phone and how stupid that was. It's stupid and I don't know how to step away from it sometimes. Sometimes I just put my phone away.
I want to feel energy and happiness! I think this school and money stress is starting to get to me and I need to find ways to balance stress, energy and my happiness. Perhaps it is because there are so many things occurring at once, so many people to connect to, that I don't have time to process it all. The support is there. The smiles and hugs. The people. Just need to reach out and be open.
Enjoy the simple things.
3.9.13
Warming up back to life.
I was pretty much falling apart by the end of summer term. My ankle was sprained, my heart was broken, and I was terribly sick. 10 days later, I've traveled over hundreds of miles, flew on a plane, rode on a bus, hopped on a subway, and went on car rides. I won't say that I am completely over it, but time has a way of helping you forget. There is only so much that our minds can store. Let's choose the good memories.
18.8.13
You know that moment when you feel really stupid?
And your ex boyfriend gets a new girlfriend in what seems to be a short time period and you have no idea why you feel stupid and heartbroken but you do?
Bluntly speaking. What a blow to my week. It's human nature, to feel hurt and sad. My friend says "that's what single people tend to do" At the same time it's not that simple and I know I'm being dramatic, but the complete obliteration of my existence from his memory is what makes me even sadder. I'm being dumb, I know. I'm not obliterated from his memory. I can't really know for sure, but for the fabric of his life, I probably made some sort of manageable dent in it. I was never really the one to be in a relationship so they come few and far and this one had an effect on me because I whole heartedly trusted him (this is a big deal). Although I have physically relocated, I admittedly think about him daily perhaps because I am holding onto the memory of things. I hope that he is in a good place - I must be present and I know that I must move on because that's what this was all for.
You know that scene in Garden State where they scream their lungs out at the infinite abyss. I need that.
It feels to matter, it matters to feel. The reason why people are a mess most of the time is because they want to matter, they want to be purposeful - sometimes this comes in the form of feeling purposeful to someone else. This reaches beyond romantic relationships but also any other kinds.
Deep down inside, I must remember that he let me go for a reason and I didn't fight back for a reason. But then things started to hurt and I didn't expect that. I heard it in his voice one of those nights, in a shortened version I believe he told me he didn't want to hold me back. And for that I can't expect to hold him back either. One of the things that is always in the back of my mind is that I had told myself a few years ago, I would live in LA for a bit to never go back. I still feel that way although LA tried to change that. It tried to give me a serious relationship, tried to make me settle, gave me people that I miss dearly, and allowed me to have a life there. But I felt life calling me forward to what I believe to be my purpose and I must follow that.
---
One of my favorite authors in the world is Bill Bryson. My friend Linh from Des Moines, Iowa let me borrow his book after I started reading it when she left it on the counter. She let me have it actually because I had spilled a whole bunch of food on it because I couldn't put it down even while eating. She told me she's usually really anal with borrowed books, bothered by folded corners and such, but she said that she knew I was so into it due to all the food stains on it so she let me have the book. He writes about traveling through life and the things he sees. He captures it so beautifully especially through the eyes of a young boy traveling with a quirky family. At its core the book is about love and wander and it captures that naiveness of trying to understand the world so well. I'm really excited to visit the midwest, both Madison and Chicago in the coming weeks. I play on visiting museums, eating cheese and chatting up with people and visiting my favorite friends. I plan on laughing, on hugging, seeing new things, shapes and patterns and doing what I LOVE doing most - staring off into the sweeping scenes of life as it passes me by.
---
In the last few days, people have been popping into my life and checking in on me. They have been calling me, writing me emails, and asking me for my address so they can send me things. For that I am forever grateful. Thank you for taking your time to tell me that I exist, that I meant something to you. That I meant something to someone. Sometimes I get sucked into sadness over my former love, but knowing that you all exist in my life, that you make me laugh and enjoy my company is what keeps me going. Life is a battlefield. Life is a blank canvas. Life is a mystery. Life is weird and I will be alright.
---
Be purposeful to yourself. I've got too much love to feel down.
Bluntly speaking. What a blow to my week. It's human nature, to feel hurt and sad. My friend says "that's what single people tend to do" At the same time it's not that simple and I know I'm being dramatic, but the complete obliteration of my existence from his memory is what makes me even sadder. I'm being dumb, I know. I'm not obliterated from his memory. I can't really know for sure, but for the fabric of his life, I probably made some sort of manageable dent in it. I was never really the one to be in a relationship so they come few and far and this one had an effect on me because I whole heartedly trusted him (this is a big deal). Although I have physically relocated, I admittedly think about him daily perhaps because I am holding onto the memory of things. I hope that he is in a good place - I must be present and I know that I must move on because that's what this was all for.
You know that scene in Garden State where they scream their lungs out at the infinite abyss. I need that.
It feels to matter, it matters to feel. The reason why people are a mess most of the time is because they want to matter, they want to be purposeful - sometimes this comes in the form of feeling purposeful to someone else. This reaches beyond romantic relationships but also any other kinds.
Deep down inside, I must remember that he let me go for a reason and I didn't fight back for a reason. But then things started to hurt and I didn't expect that. I heard it in his voice one of those nights, in a shortened version I believe he told me he didn't want to hold me back. And for that I can't expect to hold him back either. One of the things that is always in the back of my mind is that I had told myself a few years ago, I would live in LA for a bit to never go back. I still feel that way although LA tried to change that. It tried to give me a serious relationship, tried to make me settle, gave me people that I miss dearly, and allowed me to have a life there. But I felt life calling me forward to what I believe to be my purpose and I must follow that.
---
One of my favorite authors in the world is Bill Bryson. My friend Linh from Des Moines, Iowa let me borrow his book after I started reading it when she left it on the counter. She let me have it actually because I had spilled a whole bunch of food on it because I couldn't put it down even while eating. She told me she's usually really anal with borrowed books, bothered by folded corners and such, but she said that she knew I was so into it due to all the food stains on it so she let me have the book. He writes about traveling through life and the things he sees. He captures it so beautifully especially through the eyes of a young boy traveling with a quirky family. At its core the book is about love and wander and it captures that naiveness of trying to understand the world so well. I'm really excited to visit the midwest, both Madison and Chicago in the coming weeks. I play on visiting museums, eating cheese and chatting up with people and visiting my favorite friends. I plan on laughing, on hugging, seeing new things, shapes and patterns and doing what I LOVE doing most - staring off into the sweeping scenes of life as it passes me by.
---
In the last few days, people have been popping into my life and checking in on me. They have been calling me, writing me emails, and asking me for my address so they can send me things. For that I am forever grateful. Thank you for taking your time to tell me that I exist, that I meant something to you. That I meant something to someone. Sometimes I get sucked into sadness over my former love, but knowing that you all exist in my life, that you make me laugh and enjoy my company is what keeps me going. Life is a battlefield. Life is a blank canvas. Life is a mystery. Life is weird and I will be alright.
---
Be purposeful to yourself. I've got too much love to feel down.
17.8.13
And I write because I have lots of pent up energy and it's Friday and I have no idea why I went home early.
Lining the hallways of my university there are photos from all over the world. My school is really renown for its international work and it is one of the sole reasons I chose Hopkins over other programs. I am in love with the hallways and enjoy walking through them. The photos, the departments, the history of the building and the school. The school is known for the eradication of smallpox and so much more. A few years ago, I never imagined myself to be in such a prestigious university, so lucky to be surrounded by the most amazing people who can heal and help people with their hands and knowledge. In the midst of running around from lectures, to lunch, to studying - the photos provide a nice break and reminder of why I'm spending so much of my resources to attend this school. There are photos of children. Photos of adults. Photos from Africa. Photos from other countries I have never been to but want to.
And then, there was this photo of a woman, clearly from Vietnam, with her conical hat squatting and rowing a boat. Her eyes facing the photographer. I passed by it for only a second, but it quickly flashed back a flood of memories of the brilliant girls of a scholarship program who would lead me to their homes during program home visits through the mekong channels in the exact same fashion. The same girls who inspire me to go back to school so I can better figure out ways to improve their lives. It was such a strong feeling. It was a strange one, one mixed with longing and nostalgia all together. I miss them, I miss that work, and most importantly, I miss being out of my element - in an element of awe.
You see, sitting on the boat with the girls who would row me to their homes, I had never before experienced that. If events had been different, if there was no war, and nothing else, that might of been my life, but it wasn't. So me being on a rowboat is quite the event. First of all, it reminded me of how different I was. It's extremely difficult to squat in that boat, let alone a row boat. I remember squatting, wearing a huge helmet, holding all my papers and interview sheets, staring at my converses, amused by the green squash underneath me, hoping for my dear life that I wouldn't fall into the water. And the girl, she does this every day. Her balance is impeccable. Her smile even more so. And while it may seem that the world and all its ugly forces are against her - poverty, hunger, and inequality - at that moment I realize she knows so much more than me, she's guiding me and feeding my soul in ways that I could never thought possible.
I think about the green rice paddies a lot. I don't think anyone really understands the calming effect of green rice paddies. I'm not sure what it really is, perhaps its the color, the breeze that floats above them, but the rice paddies I am in love with.
Sometimes I find it hard to be at Hopkins because I start missing people who were in my life but then aren't due to distance and some other complicated matters. I miss them and the comfort and warmth they gave me and then I get sad because I feel miserable from studying so much. Prolonged exposure to wracking my brain around environmental toxins, population dynamics and epidemiologic methods tends to do that to me. I think about things that I want but can't have at the moment. And while I'm writing this I remember why I'm here, I remember that my gut is all I have. I clear my head a bit, and I realize that my gut feeling is always right. That to life there is no wrong answer.
My favorite things in the world have nothing to do with the things I stress about on the daily. I realize that my need to control things is probably having an effect on me and my life is all about a balance of those things that make me anxious and of the things that make me happy. Of the things that make me happy are not even in my life but are still things I fondly remember - cartoon newspapers on sunday, rice paddies, the mekong delta waters, the simple moments in life when you're not stressing out about things. When you're just living and letting it be. When everything is okay and you are not super conscious of things. When people's laughter at your comments warms your heart. When you're mistakes are funny to people. I constantly have a difficult time trying to be social and being safe - and those two things conflict with one another. I regret things, I think about things a lot, wish I had more friends and made friends easily, I make mistakes but am too ashamed and proud to admit it.
After a lifetime of controlling my image and who I am, I feel like I'm starting to forget who I was and the feelings that are true to who I am. I've suppressed it so much over the years that I forgot about that one time when I was little I had a crush on a person for two whole years and didn't tell him until I had to. For the most part, I ALWAYS want to be your friend. I also enjoy awkward, kind people and wish I stood up for people more. I also wished I called out people. If they're shitty and stupid - than I'm probably right. And I wish first impressions aren't everything because I'm not so good at it. This year I want to be more connected to myself and my feelings and to validate them for what they are at the moment instead of worrying about what others think about me. This is going to be extremely difficult - but hey, what isn't.
And then, there was this photo of a woman, clearly from Vietnam, with her conical hat squatting and rowing a boat. Her eyes facing the photographer. I passed by it for only a second, but it quickly flashed back a flood of memories of the brilliant girls of a scholarship program who would lead me to their homes during program home visits through the mekong channels in the exact same fashion. The same girls who inspire me to go back to school so I can better figure out ways to improve their lives. It was such a strong feeling. It was a strange one, one mixed with longing and nostalgia all together. I miss them, I miss that work, and most importantly, I miss being out of my element - in an element of awe.
You see, sitting on the boat with the girls who would row me to their homes, I had never before experienced that. If events had been different, if there was no war, and nothing else, that might of been my life, but it wasn't. So me being on a rowboat is quite the event. First of all, it reminded me of how different I was. It's extremely difficult to squat in that boat, let alone a row boat. I remember squatting, wearing a huge helmet, holding all my papers and interview sheets, staring at my converses, amused by the green squash underneath me, hoping for my dear life that I wouldn't fall into the water. And the girl, she does this every day. Her balance is impeccable. Her smile even more so. And while it may seem that the world and all its ugly forces are against her - poverty, hunger, and inequality - at that moment I realize she knows so much more than me, she's guiding me and feeding my soul in ways that I could never thought possible.
I think about the green rice paddies a lot. I don't think anyone really understands the calming effect of green rice paddies. I'm not sure what it really is, perhaps its the color, the breeze that floats above them, but the rice paddies I am in love with.
Sometimes I find it hard to be at Hopkins because I start missing people who were in my life but then aren't due to distance and some other complicated matters. I miss them and the comfort and warmth they gave me and then I get sad because I feel miserable from studying so much. Prolonged exposure to wracking my brain around environmental toxins, population dynamics and epidemiologic methods tends to do that to me. I think about things that I want but can't have at the moment. And while I'm writing this I remember why I'm here, I remember that my gut is all I have. I clear my head a bit, and I realize that my gut feeling is always right. That to life there is no wrong answer.
My favorite things in the world have nothing to do with the things I stress about on the daily. I realize that my need to control things is probably having an effect on me and my life is all about a balance of those things that make me anxious and of the things that make me happy. Of the things that make me happy are not even in my life but are still things I fondly remember - cartoon newspapers on sunday, rice paddies, the mekong delta waters, the simple moments in life when you're not stressing out about things. When you're just living and letting it be. When everything is okay and you are not super conscious of things. When people's laughter at your comments warms your heart. When you're mistakes are funny to people. I constantly have a difficult time trying to be social and being safe - and those two things conflict with one another. I regret things, I think about things a lot, wish I had more friends and made friends easily, I make mistakes but am too ashamed and proud to admit it.
After a lifetime of controlling my image and who I am, I feel like I'm starting to forget who I was and the feelings that are true to who I am. I've suppressed it so much over the years that I forgot about that one time when I was little I had a crush on a person for two whole years and didn't tell him until I had to. For the most part, I ALWAYS want to be your friend. I also enjoy awkward, kind people and wish I stood up for people more. I also wished I called out people. If they're shitty and stupid - than I'm probably right. And I wish first impressions aren't everything because I'm not so good at it. This year I want to be more connected to myself and my feelings and to validate them for what they are at the moment instead of worrying about what others think about me. This is going to be extremely difficult - but hey, what isn't.
8.8.13
I hope my heart settles down a bit.
It's been through a lot in the past few months and sometimes it beats funky.
---
Despite doing rather poorly on recent exams, I'm incredibly happy to be here. Hopefully everything (including my grades) will be OKAY. I sometimes get sad when the dust settles, but in the scheme of it all I'm happy to be in this amazing place with amazing people with amazing opportunities. It's pushing me in the way I like it. Life's a bit more colorful that way.
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Despite doing rather poorly on recent exams, I'm incredibly happy to be here. Hopefully everything (including my grades) will be OKAY. I sometimes get sad when the dust settles, but in the scheme of it all I'm happy to be in this amazing place with amazing people with amazing opportunities. It's pushing me in the way I like it. Life's a bit more colorful that way.
4.8.13
Whew.
Channeling the good vibes of the spirits of who knows what...that everything will be okay...that I am here for a reason and that I listened to my heart despite all the nonsense and tugs it put me through.
24.7.13
23.7.13
22.7.13
Morning madness.
Not really.
I thought I'd try to write something interesting while I'm sitting in a Hopkins lounge eating my yogurt, granola and strawberry. I've discovered the magic of making my breakfast and bringing it to school to finish. That way I arrive to school on time, am not rushed, and have time to veg out before class starts. I also realized that I have time to write. This past weekend has been emotionally difficult for me, perhaps something triggered it, but I began to miss certain persons and I was feel miserable. The emotion was very strong and I wished that it would go away but it lingered for several hours. I trudged on trying to do my assignments. I began to get distracted with looking up flights, when my vacation time was and etc. Then I began to listen to some really good music and it lifted my spirits up - reminding me that everything will be okay.
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| The beginning of my favorite kind of firework! |
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| Staring at Nevada while standing in California side. |
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| Eating cupcakes, staring at napkins. |
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| Two favorites in D.C. |
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| Found Natty Boh in D.C. |
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| Attractive talking right there. |
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| The things I love. |
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| 'Muricuh. |
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| CSS @ 9:30 Club in D.C. - A funky band from Brazil with a lead singer who is half Asian and German. |
Thoughts on a Sunday.
If you want, I'll come home to you.
---
Vulnerability feeds the soul but where has the good place gone?
---
Grimes says that her song "oblivion" is suppose to represent a sense of vulnerability. What a creative genius, I love her to death, she's not scared to be herself, be really awkward, and most importantly stick to her creative spirit. She emanates it in all her interviews.
Her music is keeping me sane in the midst of this roller coaster life of mine.
---
---
Vulnerability feeds the soul but where has the good place gone?
---
Grimes says that her song "oblivion" is suppose to represent a sense of vulnerability. What a creative genius, I love her to death, she's not scared to be herself, be really awkward, and most importantly stick to her creative spirit. She emanates it in all her interviews.
Her music is keeping me sane in the midst of this roller coaster life of mine.
---
14.7.13
Thoughts on a Sunday.
Life is really weird. My brain tends to fluctuate from okay, to stressed, to happy, to weird, to what the hell, to you know...the other stuff in life.
Sometimes I get hurt or insecure about things and then it preoccupies for a good while. I must keep my mind on the light. As this young boy shouted out while running up the super long (seriously) stairs of dc's metro ways, panting arduously, yet continuing with determinination, "I see the light!"
As silly as the scene was (it put a smile to my face), it really spoke to me. Life is just one long struggle to understand yourself and others. It is full of regrets, mistakes, moments of happiness, and good people.
I think I must focus my energy on just getting shit done instead of stress. I just need to DO IT and listen to my heart right at that moment. I know I think to much, but that is something that I can't help. React in the moment, do what you want, and don't regret it.
The other day I bought two pairs of shorts at Jcrew. I know this is an incredibly mundane story but buying two pairs of shorts at jcrew is a big deal. Perhaps I musn't make such a big deal about it but I will because I can.
I've been wanting shorts for a while now. My friends make fun of me a lot because I don't like to show my skin. It hurts my feelings sometimes but I know they do it out of fun gesture because it is so very strange to be insecure about it when really I have nothing to be insecure about (I'm pretty and I know it!). It is something that is frequently brought up. I'm not sure why I cover myself so much, I think it's because I don't like to draw unwarranted attention from strangers and men. (Which is probably the OPPOSITE of what I should be doing since I'm single, but that's besides the point.) So I decided recently, because I am in America, because I am in a new setting, that I should show some fucking skin and become comfortable in my own skin. Also, it's really hot in Baltimore, I am not in a working professional setting and I am not in Vietnam - so I can dress however the hell I want.
I walk into jcrew after doing a study group and find that they have a sale. I find two pair of shorts that fit me perfectly, are decently priced (at $18 a pop) and from a brand I really like. I decide to buy them but this overwhelming sense of guilt overcomes me (being poor growing up and my parent's relentless frugality) and causes me to spiral into a fleeting state of panic for a few seconds or minute or two. "Should I buy this?" "I definitely don't have the money to be spending on something like this" "What am I doing?" "I should be studying"
"But I fucking want these shorts!" So I bought it.
I realize that I can't let this strange habit of mine of getting really guilty at purchasing and buying things get the best of me and take over my ability to make decisions and do what I want. I definitely have the funds to purchase them (other than my looming school debt that is slowly amassing as I am typing away at my keyboard NOT studying)
I also joined fucking zipcar AND bought a ticket to a thao nguyen concert! I can do what I want because everything is going to be okay. It's not like I'm not a responsible individual who doesn't pay her bills on time. I definitely do and I definitely saved in order to have some cushion to enjoy life.
I'm not sure why I'm in Baltimore studying public health at the number one public health school in the nation. I'm not sure why the fates of whatever in outer space brought me here but it did and I am here now. I am balancing fun with studying and it's an interesting task. It feels very different from undergraduate where I tend to panic much. I am trying my best not to panic in grad school but to really enjoy it for what it is. To learn and to socialize with a great bunch of people who care about the same things as you do.
What this means is that I must reach out to others. This is a great shift in my usual pattern of passivity where I wait for people to reach out to me. Perhaps I will make little goals for each week and see how I do. I gotta do this baby step stuff because I'm horrible at keeping up with goals.
BIG Goal for next week:
1. Hangout with someone new in a fun setting outside of school
Sometimes I get hurt or insecure about things and then it preoccupies for a good while. I must keep my mind on the light. As this young boy shouted out while running up the super long (seriously) stairs of dc's metro ways, panting arduously, yet continuing with determinination, "I see the light!"
As silly as the scene was (it put a smile to my face), it really spoke to me. Life is just one long struggle to understand yourself and others. It is full of regrets, mistakes, moments of happiness, and good people.
I think I must focus my energy on just getting shit done instead of stress. I just need to DO IT and listen to my heart right at that moment. I know I think to much, but that is something that I can't help. React in the moment, do what you want, and don't regret it.
The other day I bought two pairs of shorts at Jcrew. I know this is an incredibly mundane story but buying two pairs of shorts at jcrew is a big deal. Perhaps I musn't make such a big deal about it but I will because I can.
I've been wanting shorts for a while now. My friends make fun of me a lot because I don't like to show my skin. It hurts my feelings sometimes but I know they do it out of fun gesture because it is so very strange to be insecure about it when really I have nothing to be insecure about (I'm pretty and I know it!). It is something that is frequently brought up. I'm not sure why I cover myself so much, I think it's because I don't like to draw unwarranted attention from strangers and men. (Which is probably the OPPOSITE of what I should be doing since I'm single, but that's besides the point.) So I decided recently, because I am in America, because I am in a new setting, that I should show some fucking skin and become comfortable in my own skin. Also, it's really hot in Baltimore, I am not in a working professional setting and I am not in Vietnam - so I can dress however the hell I want.
I walk into jcrew after doing a study group and find that they have a sale. I find two pair of shorts that fit me perfectly, are decently priced (at $18 a pop) and from a brand I really like. I decide to buy them but this overwhelming sense of guilt overcomes me (being poor growing up and my parent's relentless frugality) and causes me to spiral into a fleeting state of panic for a few seconds or minute or two. "Should I buy this?" "I definitely don't have the money to be spending on something like this" "What am I doing?" "I should be studying"
"But I fucking want these shorts!" So I bought it.
I realize that I can't let this strange habit of mine of getting really guilty at purchasing and buying things get the best of me and take over my ability to make decisions and do what I want. I definitely have the funds to purchase them (other than my looming school debt that is slowly amassing as I am typing away at my keyboard NOT studying)
I also joined fucking zipcar AND bought a ticket to a thao nguyen concert! I can do what I want because everything is going to be okay. It's not like I'm not a responsible individual who doesn't pay her bills on time. I definitely do and I definitely saved in order to have some cushion to enjoy life.
I'm not sure why I'm in Baltimore studying public health at the number one public health school in the nation. I'm not sure why the fates of whatever in outer space brought me here but it did and I am here now. I am balancing fun with studying and it's an interesting task. It feels very different from undergraduate where I tend to panic much. I am trying my best not to panic in grad school but to really enjoy it for what it is. To learn and to socialize with a great bunch of people who care about the same things as you do.
What this means is that I must reach out to others. This is a great shift in my usual pattern of passivity where I wait for people to reach out to me. Perhaps I will make little goals for each week and see how I do. I gotta do this baby step stuff because I'm horrible at keeping up with goals.
BIG Goal for next week:
1. Hangout with someone new in a fun setting outside of school
7.7.13
Right now I'm listening to awesome music
to keep this awesome feeling I have going.
What a week, honestly can't wait for the next, and the next, and the next. All the ups and downs and all of it mixed between. I am exactly where I want to be.
---
I have 57 un-posted blog posts. Wow.
What a week, honestly can't wait for the next, and the next, and the next. All the ups and downs and all of it mixed between. I am exactly where I want to be.
---
I have 57 un-posted blog posts. Wow.
Sometimes I am conflicted with what I see in the world.
I am conflicted because I am pretty sure life is not to be lived in certain ways. The possibilities are endless, the magic and change that can happen are there, yet so many individuals in the world choose not to tap into the magic of life. Instead they sit idly and let life take the best of them. These last few days I have been meeting many individuals who you can feel, want to make magic happen. We've got miles and miles of flights between us, oceans, continents, life changing experiences, and a kindness that I am surprised/not so surprised to interact with.
I can post this on facebook but I really don't feel like it. I don't like putting every aspect on my life on facebook because these aspects I hold dear to me. They are not to be reduced to a facebook status and validations through likes. They are meant to be shared through words, thoughts, and the magic of writing. I am to share it through my being, through the individuals I surround myself with. I am not to reduce it to some social media platform. Yet, I am conflicted, as facebook is used as a vehicle for people to share with one another. I often ask myself what is it that I want to share, and more importantly who do I want to share it with?
Do I want to share it with my family and best friends in my life, or to the formula of friends that facebook assigns my statuses too. This is difficult because the two things are not always separate. Sometimes my best friends are up to date with my facebook, but some are not, some do not see what I update. So how do I include those other individuals in my life in these amazing experiences I am going through.
Of course, I am just procrastinating. But this is what I keep a blog. Another outlet for my thoughts. Another outlet for my experiences that allows a richer platform to share. I really want to learn to write for newspapers and other means as I am pretty poor with it and find it rather boring. Perhaps I am just scared of it, like many things.
I can post this on facebook but I really don't feel like it. I don't like putting every aspect on my life on facebook because these aspects I hold dear to me. They are not to be reduced to a facebook status and validations through likes. They are meant to be shared through words, thoughts, and the magic of writing. I am to share it through my being, through the individuals I surround myself with. I am not to reduce it to some social media platform. Yet, I am conflicted, as facebook is used as a vehicle for people to share with one another. I often ask myself what is it that I want to share, and more importantly who do I want to share it with?
Do I want to share it with my family and best friends in my life, or to the formula of friends that facebook assigns my statuses too. This is difficult because the two things are not always separate. Sometimes my best friends are up to date with my facebook, but some are not, some do not see what I update. So how do I include those other individuals in my life in these amazing experiences I am going through.
Of course, I am just procrastinating. But this is what I keep a blog. Another outlet for my thoughts. Another outlet for my experiences that allows a richer platform to share. I really want to learn to write for newspapers and other means as I am pretty poor with it and find it rather boring. Perhaps I am just scared of it, like many things.
4.7.13
Battling the inside, but hey outside is nice.
If you look out my little window, you will see a city flanked by the sweat of the brave. Brave because the sweltering sun is not forgiving. The buildings' hungry vines reach across red crusted bricks to escape the shade. All the buildings are made of history, color, and age.
I am in a city that I did not expect to find myself. I did expect myself to be on the east coast which I accomplished. Check. Returning to humidity makes me miss Vietnam.
---
Free write:
I want to help young girls around the world reach their full potential. Hundreds, thousands at a time. If they had the chance to learn, if they had the chance to speak English, if they had a support system, then perhaps they too could be like me. Instead, our pathways led down different avenues. I'm not exactly sure what I want to do with the MPH and am a bit overwhelmed with the crazy options and experiences of all the people in my program. If I listen to my heart, what it will tell me is to go with my vague gut instinct. After all, that's really all I have, this vague, unclear gut instinct of mine that took me to Berkeley, that took me to Vietnam, that took me to LA.
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Lately, I've been trying to channel my inner frontwoman (of a band). It helps, since I secretly have wanted to be a rockstar all my life.
I am in a city that I did not expect to find myself. I did expect myself to be on the east coast which I accomplished. Check. Returning to humidity makes me miss Vietnam.
---
Free write:
I want to help young girls around the world reach their full potential. Hundreds, thousands at a time. If they had the chance to learn, if they had the chance to speak English, if they had a support system, then perhaps they too could be like me. Instead, our pathways led down different avenues. I'm not exactly sure what I want to do with the MPH and am a bit overwhelmed with the crazy options and experiences of all the people in my program. If I listen to my heart, what it will tell me is to go with my vague gut instinct. After all, that's really all I have, this vague, unclear gut instinct of mine that took me to Berkeley, that took me to Vietnam, that took me to LA.
---
Lately, I've been trying to channel my inner frontwoman (of a band). It helps, since I secretly have wanted to be a rockstar all my life.
When you talk what makes you ramble?
When I begin to ramble excitedly about something (as I have done for the last few days meeting new people left and right) I am realizing that rambling on excitedly is exactly what passion is. I spoke to a nurse who went to Africa and was asked to be a midwife (which she is not trained in), delivering hundreds of babies to the world. When she spoke she was passionate, excited, and you can tell that her lived experience really affected her. I don't like talking about myself, but I've made an effort to share my background and experience with others. It's the only thing we have. When we share what makes us excited, when we share what makes us happy, when we share those crazy things that happened to you that's when people experience it through your words. Who gives a crap if they don't like your story?
You fucking like your story so just say it! Ramble ON.
People who are uninhibited when they talk are my favorite people. Yes, they can be annoying but damn you're expressing everything you want to and I love that. I'm starting to realize that I don't give a fuck and I'm just going to say what's on my mind when I feel like it. Yeah, I'll make a mistake or two, offend people, or whatever it is but hey, at least I said it. At least I put it out for the skies to hear me. This won't happen overnight. Unfortunately I am an overly conscience person when I speak. I strategically say things, I only express when I feel comfortable, and I am insecure about who I am and my experiences. Go figure. Preach to the choir. Uncomfortable situations, as uncomfortable as they are, it feels pretty damn good when you get over it and it all works out. It feels pretty damn good when you continue to walk, when you realize the sun will rise tomorrow, and that air still flows through your airways. You can sigh, you can cry, you can dance really weird in your room to that song that you absolutely love. And that's it. That's life.
People who are uninhibited when they talk are my favorite people. Yes, they can be annoying but damn you're expressing everything you want to and I love that. I'm starting to realize that I don't give a fuck and I'm just going to say what's on my mind when I feel like it. Yeah, I'll make a mistake or two, offend people, or whatever it is but hey, at least I said it. At least I put it out for the skies to hear me. This won't happen overnight. Unfortunately I am an overly conscience person when I speak. I strategically say things, I only express when I feel comfortable, and I am insecure about who I am and my experiences. Go figure. Preach to the choir. Uncomfortable situations, as uncomfortable as they are, it feels pretty damn good when you get over it and it all works out. It feels pretty damn good when you continue to walk, when you realize the sun will rise tomorrow, and that air still flows through your airways. You can sigh, you can cry, you can dance really weird in your room to that song that you absolutely love. And that's it. That's life.
24.6.13
In a foreign land.
For some reason, I feel really compelled to write in this blog again. This time, I crossed lands instead of oceans and find myself living on the east coast for the first time in my life. It's been a long dream of mine to move over here and it was quite the arduous process. Now that I have arrived, I am certain that I will need writing to keep me sane. I will also need my writing to revisit, reflect and process. Fuck that, I just need to stop being lazy, "overwhelmed," and write again. I had another blog and I did something weird to the html and am annoyed with the layout. LA overwhelmed me. Being an adult overwhelmed me. And as a result my writing waned. I was distracted with the drive, the freeways, the numbers, the sheets, the things I had to do. I want to say that I am free now, but I don't think that's the case. I've always been as free as I want to be, but I chose otherwise. I have a choice: to live my life the way I want and change or be the same. I choose the former.
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What does your spirit look like? Some may never know. They spend their whole lives trying to figure it out. Others know. They know and they spend every fucking waking minute of their lives telling the world what it looks like because if they don't, their spirit might just forget.
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What does your spirit look like? Some may never know. They spend their whole lives trying to figure it out. Others know. They know and they spend every fucking waking minute of their lives telling the world what it looks like because if they don't, their spirit might just forget.
---
The most beautiful colors chase the sun
They wrap her trail in a taunting gesture
That seems to sing out loud,
"this is what you're missing"
-Sun Hands Local Natives
